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To wonder if I've been naive

(17 Posts)
Bigblug Thu 30-Mar-17 19:38:32

Bit of a long one, don't want to drip feed so bare with me.
Me and dp have been together 10 years, have two children. For our whole relationship he's struggled with finding/keeping work as he has one real passion in life, and hates doing anything else. It took me a little while to come to terms with it and be supportive, So now I'm sole breadwinner with no hope of him getting a 'proper' job. He became the stay at home parent while I earn enough to sustain us.
We've been bobbing a long rather nicely for the past 3 years, with our situation being mutually beneficial to us both once we were settled in our own routines. But a year ago, he had a breakthrough. And now, although he's not earning much money at all, he's finally making the headway into the profession he's dreamed about since he was 5 years old. He really is good at what he does, but in truth I don't think I ever believed anything would come of it as it's such a tough industry to get into. And now, he's never home if I am. I can't take on extra hours, so we're more skint than before, as well as using family money on top to fund and further himself to make a bigger impact. He's in demand, and while I have no doubt he'll soon be earning money, he's become emotionally unreliable, physically unreliable, and when he is home he's on his laptop working.
Perhaps this sudden change in his availability, meaning he's not around when I need him, and his emotional distance is making me wobble on our relationship. I've supported him for so long, and now i feel forgotten about. Or should I remain supportive and ride this out? I don't know.

SongforSal Thu 30-Mar-17 19:58:18

Ride this out. It's great life has been mutually beneficial, but things change. If this is his passion, and he's going in the right direction, then fantastic! Support him, maybe pencil in some couple time a few weeks from now, and use that time to talk about things. You may find life's settled down into more a routine by then. If like you said OP this has been his dream for many years, he must be feeling so many things trying to finally achieve his goal. Hopefully in the future it will benefit you all.

user1490634864 Thu 30-Mar-17 20:00:37

What's the dream profession?

Bigblug Thu 30-Mar-17 20:02:33

Writer/filmmaker/theatre/editor. Basically moving media. I can't say too much incase it outs me 🙈

highinthesky Thu 30-Mar-17 20:12:45

I think it's reasonable to ride it out, this is the darkest hour before dawn.

As long as there's no risk of him being unfaithful, but that's a separate discussion.

SomethingBorrowed Thu 30-Mar-17 20:18:55

I would at least have a serious discussion about what will the money he might earn be used for, ie savings/housing/... and that it is not going to be play money for him.

DesignedForLife Thu 30-Mar-17 20:23:31

Ride it out, but have a serious chat about the emotional distance between you. That doesn't follow, is he very stressed by making it work?

MamaHanji Thu 30-Mar-17 20:25:10

I sympathise with how difficult it must be. But I think you should ride it out. If it is his dream coming true, then he wouldn't let you stand in your way so ride it out with him, so he doesn't need to make a choice between you and his dream career.

Bigblug Thu 30-Mar-17 20:38:42

I've spoken to him a few times and asked him to set aside just one night a week for us just to watch a film together before 10pm. For the past 4 weeks on our designated day, he's either had to quickly 'pop out or he's gotten into the flow with his writing and just forgot. I'm honestly not trying to get in the way of his dreams, but unfortunately he's getting in the way of mine. Once I got used to the idea that we would never be a two income family in the traditional sense, I decided to do something for myself and started an open university degree. It's now taken a back burner, with me falling behind, because he's been unavailable for me to study and it's been hard juggling the children and work and his work commitments. Once again I've had to sacrifice my own happiness for his dreams!

MamaHanji Thu 30-Mar-17 21:02:32

In that case, he needs to know their needs to be compromise in both your ambitions and that his do not supersede yours.

MamaHanji Thu 30-Mar-17 21:02:47


highinthesky Thu 30-Mar-17 21:09:07

Bigblug you have described the perils of living with a creative perfectly! In that sense he fits the mould to a tee.

MamaHanji I love your username.

foxyloxy78 Thu 30-Mar-17 21:44:59

He has been waiting for this opportunity for his whole life. Ride it out. Support him. It will get better. flowers

PeaFaceMcgee Thu 30-Mar-17 22:10:22

No, fuck that. This is not a partnership. There's no guarantees he'll earn any money at all and he's been using family savings. Furthermore he's not able to consider you for even an hour or two, one evening. No, just no. Not reasonable behaviour.

PeaFaceMcgee Thu 30-Mar-17 22:12:13

Just read about your course - what a fucking catch he is hmm

LynetteScavo Thu 30-Mar-17 22:26:22

But what would you gain by splitting up? The possibility of a new relationship?

I'd ride it out. because if he gets rich and wins an oscar you'll be kicking yourself if you split

Littlecaf Thu 30-Mar-17 22:44:27

I think you need to explain to him what you have explained here - that you've had to scarifice your happiness for his dreams and you want a bit of balance.

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