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if I tell DD to get rid of her boyfriend?

(100 Posts)
JumpingJellybeanz Thu 30-Mar-17 16:54:12

He's polite. He's gentle. He shares everything he has with her. He does lots to support he. They've been together for about a year, living together in her student flat for 6 months. He's also a student on the same course but 3 years behind.

The problem is, he used her computer to do an assessed piece of work. Except instead of doing it himself he found a copy of DD's best friend's saved from years ago and submitted that. No he, DD and her now ex best friend are all facing disciplinary procedures and are at risk of being chucked out or suspended.

She has AS and has overcome so much to reach this point. Her poor friend is just a few weeks off doing her finals.

He's been a fucking idiot and he knows it. Is it forgivable and AIBU if I strongly encourage her to pack his bags. I'm so angry, I can't think straight.

*We're not in the UK if it's of any relevance.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 30-Mar-17 16:56:34

I think you should keep your nose out!

What is concerning is that you are speaking as if the choice is actually yours??!!!

Does her AS mean you get to decide?

SpiritedLondon Thu 30-Mar-17 17:02:34

I think she needs to sort out the disciplinary issue and then consider the relationship. What did your DD know? Did she know that he was going to submit the friends piece of work? Did the friend know? If not then it was seem supremely unfair for either one of them to be penalised in any way. I would hope that if he was a half decent bloke he would take all responsibility and ensure the discipline board / college are in no doubt about who should take the blame. Hopefully there will be no repercussions then for your DD and friend. Once it's sorted your DD then gets to decide if she wants to be with him anymore.

JumpingJellybeanz Thu 30-Mar-17 17:02:52

I'd love to keep my nose out but as I'm the one who will have to pick up the costs when it all goes tits up, I can't.

I'm also the one who gets all the calls through the day and night and has to deal with the tears and emotional fall out.

ThePiglet59 Thu 30-Mar-17 17:03:20

I think that you should tell her to dump him.

I don't think there is a single case in history where a daughter has been told to dump her boyfriend and she has refused to do it.

It certainly won't drive her closer to him.

EC22 Thu 30-Mar-17 17:03:43

If he just happened across this essay like he says then he needs to take full responsibility and face the music. Your daughter didn't submit a plaigerised piece of work so why should she suffer.

He's made a stupid lousy mistake, which may cost him dearly,he will have learned his lesson and you really need to keep your nose out!

pasturesgreen Thu 30-Mar-17 17:05:00

Two words: butt out.

They're grown ups, at university, living together. It's for your DD to decide.

lljkk Thu 30-Mar-17 17:05:05

You have to support her to make the right decision for her.
fwiw on the disciplinary procedure, (I have some experience), your DD needs to submit all the evidence she can that she did not knowingly collude in this plagiarism, as does the other friend. And he has to confess to himself acting alone without their knowledge. Then he probably will get kicked off but the others may escape sanction. That's about as good as it gets.

She is not the first person this kind of thing happened to.

If she can forgive him.. well, I wouldn't tell her whether she should or shouldn't.

ImperialBlether Thu 30-Mar-17 17:05:22

I think you should keep your nose out!

That is really offensive. The OP is clearly worried about her daughter. If her daughter didn't want her to know about it, she wouldn't have mentioned it to her.

SookiesSocks Thu 30-Mar-17 17:05:28

Not your call to make.
She is an adult.
What makes you think she will listen?

JumpingJellybeanz Thu 30-Mar-17 17:05:32

Neither her or her friend knew anything until they received the letter summoning them to the disciplinary meeting.

Sodomeyes Thu 30-Mar-17 17:05:38

I'm an academic. Your DD, her friend and boyfriend are very very very unlikely to be chucked out.

Every year I have students (like the boyfriend) who have very blatently cheated that I would love to see chucked out and every year they make excuses and get away with it. Students have tonnes of power at Universities.

TBH, I don't see why your daughter needs to be involved at all. He submitted a piece of work which was a perfect match for a piece of work submitted three years previously (the friend). Policy-wise, your DD doesn't come into it.

However, I can see how she has been implicated. Your DD needs to get her story completely straight. She needs dates, conversations, any text or email exchanges they had about his using her computer. Write this all down, save it. She needs to just keep constantly repeating this story and reiterating that she had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

The same goes for her friend.

It's up to the boyfriend to prove that they were colluding. He was the one who submitted the report last so the focus is on him and if DD and her friend are adamant that they weren't colluding and your DD keeps repeating the story that he went behind her back, then there's not much the University can do to her.

She needs to get the students union involved in this. If there are any welfare structures in place (like college or personal mentors) then she needs to get hers on her side. I think alerting her personal academic advisor to what's going on and getting them on side would also be helpful (they can't really do much but the plagiarism panel might ask for a 'character reference' type of thing and the academic advisor would be able to say how out of character it was).

All of this goes for the friend as well.

TBH, it'd look better for her case if she split up with him and cited this as the main reason.

SpiritedLondon Thu 30-Mar-17 17:07:54

Perhaps she should write a timeline of the events - if she knows nothing then it will be short. She should include details though of how she comes to have her friends work on her computer. Once she has events straight she might feel better equipped to state her case calmly and clearly. Presumably her friend will be pleading ignorance too and will support her account. Fingers crossed the BF takes full responsibility and there is no further action.

Sodomeyes Thu 30-Mar-17 17:07:58

Sorry, I should have said your DD and her friend are very very very unlikely to get chucked out. The boyfriend probably won't be chucked out but will very likely fail this piece of work. He'll probably be offered the chance to resubmit but with his mark being capped at the pass grade (40% or 50%) which will drag his overall score down and not look good on a final transcript.

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 30-Mar-17 17:09:02

I think you're entitled to give your opinion and say you think he's bad news, but if she stays with him there's nothing you can do.

JumpingJellybeanz Thu 30-Mar-17 17:09:03

What makes you think she will listen?

She asked me. But I don't know if my answer was reasonable or anger driven.

Sodomeyes Thu 30-Mar-17 17:09:11

Neither her or her friend knew anything until they received the letter summoning them to the disciplinary meeting I don't understand why your DD received this letter. Unless the boyfriend had been asked about it and he'd suggested that all three were colluding. In which case, he needs to go.

SpiritedLondon Thu 30-Mar-17 17:09:57

Oops cross post. What Sodomeyes said!

DeleteOrDecay Thu 30-Mar-17 17:10:18

I don't think it's any of your business. Yes he's been a complete idiot but he generally sounds like a nice lad who messed up. Your dd and him should be able to work things out between them.

notanurse2017 Thu 30-Mar-17 17:14:32

I think he sounds awful. I would be so worried if it were my DD in this situation. But you need to let her come to her own conclusions. Good luck to her and her friend, hope at least the bf tells the truth.

Graphista Thu 30-Mar-17 17:14:55

"I'm an academic. Your DD, her friend and boyfriend are very very very unlikely to be chucked out. "

I disagree - unis in U.K. And overseas are very hot on plagiarism now I know at least one person kicked out for this (in U.K.) and certainly USA and Canadian unis are very strict on this (for fear of being sued by the person who's work was stolen! Plagiarism IS theft!)

Yabu to expect to be able to TELL her to dump him, but I'd be very surprised if the relationship lasts anyway, he's betrayed your dds trust after all. Plus if he is (as he should be) kicked out then presumably he'll have to go home and will be geographically distanced from dd?

JumpingJellybeanz Thu 30-Mar-17 17:17:27

Sodomeyes the reason they think DD was involved was because she had the original, her computer was used and, the main reason, he translated it to English in the belief it would get past the detection software. DD is the only native English speaker so they think she did the translating.

Sodomeyes Thu 30-Mar-17 17:17:34

OP, disciplinary panels are very scary for students. I don't know if she's been told about the details of what will happen but in ours, three or four academics sit one side of the table with the student on the other and the student is grilled about whatever the problem is.

Most students come out shaken. It's designed to shit them up even though most often nothing happens afterwards.

Hopefully, your DD will realise that it's this fuckwit boy who put her in this situation, and made her look a twat in front of her lecturers, and she'll take the logical decision and tell him to fuck off.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast Thu 30-Mar-17 17:17:48

I would guess they want the daughter and her friend available, so that they can speak if the boyfriend says at the hearing that they were involved (rather than have to adjourn it, to get them, so that they can respond). Has he already had a meeting, or made a statement about what happened? If so, she might want to ask the uni for a copy of what has been said so far (I would ask them, not him, because he may fib, and also to send them a message that she is not closely colluding with him). I think its reasonable to ask that.

I don't see that getting her to dump him (always supposing she would,listen, and do as you asked) would do much good in this situation.

Much better to be advising her about how best to get the information together to prove that she had no part in this, and telling her that she should be telling him, in no uncertain terms, at he MUST take 100% of the responsibility for what he did, and must make it clear that neither your dd nor her friend had anything to do with his plagiarism.

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