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DH 40th and FIL

(81 Posts)
MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 16:36:12

Name changed as mentioned this to a few people, also a bit upset so be gentle (yes I've know this is AIBU!)

Might be long.

DH is turning 40 soon. He has 3 brothers and we don't get to see them much. I decided to see if we could do a family thing over Easter. We usually go to MIL. MIL and FIL are separated (for around 30 years now). Whilst they are amicable, FIL is quite a strong character and I know MiL finds him tricky.

So I decide to suggest we stay at MIL for Easter, see who of his brothers and their families are around and then organise an Easter Sunday meal with the wider family e.g. FIL and cousins in the area local to MIL which is fairly easy for everyone to get to.

Anyway I contact the DBs and all of them are up for coming. Seeing as they all have partners and kids this is a lot of people so they suggest we organise a cottage as we won't all fit at MILs and it's unfair for her to c after for us all, I suggest this to MIL who also thinks it is a good idea.

MIL lives fairly central UK (us/FIL are london and rest of family spread over U.K.).

I start to try and find a cottage to host all/some of us and realise I haven't done this soon enough and places are either booked as it's Easter or £££ (I've been given budget of £200 per family by cash strapped BIL - impossible to do!).

Anyway, I do an airbnb search and eventually find somewhere west wales which can fit (with airbeds) all four families plus MiL. No spare room at all but it's the only place I could find that was available.

At this point I scrap the wider family idea as it's so far away for most people to travel for a meal, and as it's near surfing beaches the DBs decide to take boards as DH will love that. MIL will see friends in the area, all very laid back.

I feel a bit bad about FIL but he doesn't drive, is on a pension, and lives in London, so I decide to arrange a separate day out in London. I emailed him to ask (yes a bit wimpy I know) and also tell him about wales.

He didn't answer my email but immediately called up MiL saying he should be coming and he never sees his DGC (not true for us as we see him a lot, had him for Xmas etc, but there are some DGC it's harder for him to see practically).

Obvs an awkward position for MiL as I have organised this, so she called me to tell me.

I've just had a phone conversation with FIL who told me it was a cock up and that if all the family get together he should be there, DH will think it's wrong he's not there (I know DH and I think he'll find it strange if he was coming to stay with us and MiL tbh). He's told me to send him the address and he'll see what he can do. I've already checked other accommodation in the village and there is no availability at all. As he doesn't drive it all makes it very tricky.

Obviously I now feel really bad, but there are so many reasons it doesn't work.

I was just trying to do something nice for DH, genuinely don't know if this is a massive fuck up on my part? I understand that he would like to see everyone, but surely when you are separated you know it's more difficult?

Fwiw us and DBs and their families do sometimes all manage to meet up at a holiday location every few years (another surfing location) and it wouldn't occur to FIL to be part of that. In my mind I was organising something similar. In FIL mind I've excluded him sad

So AIBU? Should I have given up on the family idea and not booked somewhere so far away?

TheMythOfFingerprints Thu 30-Mar-17 16:48:49

Meh, if your fil wants to see those other dgc then he can arrange something surely?
He is a great big grown up person with the internet and a phone, you have done your besr to organise a get together at short notice, and have done really well to find something that suits within budget.

UrethaFranklin Thu 30-Mar-17 16:53:27

Is this a get together mainly for DH's 40th because if so, I can see why FIL is miffed at being left out. Do you normally include him in the Easter get together?

MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 16:54:39

No not for Easter usually, it would be just visiting MIL.

But yes, this is specifically for DHs birthday (and it's a surprise).

MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 16:56:12

SILs know and agree it wouldn't have occurred to them to invite him. But maybe they ABU as well!

Cynara Thu 30-Mar-17 17:00:01

To be honest, I think it's unfair to leave him out. If Dh's mother and brothers (and their families) are going, it's very unkind to exclude their father. Especially as he has asked for the address and is willing to see what arrangements he can make. If you couldn't find accommodation for everyone it would have been kinder to make alternative arrangements altogether.

pasturesgreen Thu 30-Mar-17 17:00:42

A bit off to tell FIL after it was all done and dusted imo. I can understand why he was slightly put out.

The fact you and DBs and their families sometimes go on holiday together is neither here nor there as I presume MIL doesn't come along to those holidays, so it's more something between the DBs and their families.

Still, not much you can do about it now.

witsender Thu 30-Mar-17 17:04:57

I think it is very off to not invite/make allowances for your husband's father at his 40th birthday. Of course he will want to be there with the rest of the family!

brassbrass Thu 30-Mar-17 17:06:38

But it's not a random holiday get together it's his son's 40th.

You have excluded him because it didn't fit your late search for accommodation in the area. Whether he drives or not is neither here nor there at this point.

Why not just be honest about that instead of making out FIL is the problem? He's right to be upset. All his family are getting together to celebrate a milestone birthday for one of his children and he's not invited. Put yourself in his shoes.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Thu 30-Mar-17 17:11:29

It's his sons 40th celebration, all other immediate family will be there apart from him-yes I think YABVU.

CoolCarrie Thu 30-Mar-17 17:13:03

YABU to not include your FIL. He should have been invited, it's his son too.

rookiemere Thu 30-Mar-17 17:16:03

Where are you staying ? Is it possible to pay for FIL to stay in a BnB nearby.
I do feel for you - organising these things is always a thankless task but at the end of the day it is his DF.

ThePiglet59 Thu 30-Mar-17 17:18:16

I could see why he is pissed off. I can see myself being in his situation.
I don't really think that you should be taking the flak though OP.
Can't one of the adult brothers help the FIL find somewhere to stay?

StewieGMum Thu 30-Mar-17 17:18:36

What do you mean by 'tricky'? Is he a total jerk to MIL? If he is, leaving him out is fine. I wouldn't want to holiday with someone who treats me like dirt. I get along with my ex and would be upset if he were left out in such a situation. I also know many men who I would be utterly shocked at their inclusion due to their behaviour. It really depends on if tricky is short hand for annoying or shorthand for total dickhead who we only tolerate because we're related to him.

wowfudge Thu 30-Mar-17 17:21:27

Can another family member give FIL a lift? He should be included and evidently wants to be included.

witsender Thu 30-Mar-17 17:21:35

FIL isn't 'wider family'. He is immediate family, same as MIL.

Italiangreyhound Thu 30-Mar-17 17:22:56

I do hate to say this, and I rarely say it, but you are being unreasonable.

I guess it is now a done deal and the house is booked. I am assuming you have no room in the car for your FIL.

If it is not a done deal then I would re-think but as it appears to be I would suggest you assist him in booking a train or whatever and collect from the station at other end, or get one of the other siblings to collect him.

Then you make a space for him in the cottage, e.g. airbed in the living room or whatever.

Being separated or divorced should not mean you miss out on your son's 40th.

MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 17:23:43

There isn't any other accommodations in the near vicinity. There possibly is driving distance away but I don't know the area at all so assume it will involve driving him round rather than public transport.

Would you honestly not find it weird to go and stay in a cottage with your divorced parents?

Anyway I'll admit I got so stressed by trying to find somewhere we could all fit I didn't really think about FIL at time of booking. Wouldn't of occurred for me to include him in our accommodation and there wasn't anywhere with enough bedrooms anyway. It wasn't til after I booked it I thought shit, id better tell him.

I kind of wish I hadn't bothered now to be honest. MIL agrees with me about it all but she would I guess! I've just spoken to her and he's already called again and asked if she can collect him from Bristol and drive him around. It's a 5 hour round trip and she's visiting friends in the area so she doesn't want to!

Anyway we are all BU I see that. Families are complicated. I've given him a link to accommodation in the nearest town and apologised for the cock up.

MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 17:29:47

Gah lost a post.

Tricky as in he cheated on her (and had a baby behind her back with someone else). So whilst she is polite and it's amicable she doesn't really want to spend time with him! And all DH and his DBs love him of course, but in small doses. We see him far more than anyone else, invite him over all the time, had him for Xmas etc. Always try and include him in or lives. It honestly didn't occur to me it would be appropriate in this sort of setting (family cottage).

I would find it super weird to have my divorced parents staying together!

Anyway clearly I've fucked up. I've apologised, sent link to b&bs in nearest town (nothing at all in the vicinity I checked already). He called MiL and wanted her to pick him up from Bristol (5 hour round trip) but she doesn't want to! None of us have room in our cars so I've given him train details.

MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 17:30:13

Oh shit didn't lose the post! So stressed

diddl Thu 30-Mar-17 17:33:58

Yeah, can't see why it would occur to anyone to invite someone's father to their 40thgrin

You were initially trying to accommoate FIL, weren't you?

MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 17:38:38

Well I initially had a vague plan of a meal for everyone grannies/FIL/cousins but that never got off the ground due to all DBs being available (this is so rare I didn't expect it).

It wouldn't occur to me to have my DF at a family cottage for my 40th if my mum was there with us. Too weird and my DF wouldn't expect it either.

Anyway I've admitted I'm wrong just feel a bit gutted about it all as I just wanted DH so spend some time with his bros and MiL (who we don't see often).

brassbrass Thu 30-Mar-17 17:39:32

it's kind of more awkward then isn't it? You see more of him than anyone else yet he's still not invited.

He might have been more understanding if it was one of the DC he didn't see very often.

Italiangreyhound Thu 30-Mar-17 17:40:46

"Would you honestly not find it weird to go and stay in a cottage with your divorced parents?"

I've no idea but as this is a surprise you will have to decide for your dh. I kind of feel either way this may bite you on the bum, if he comes or not, so I may well tell my dh, ask him to keep it a secret that he knows and be guided by him as to whether to include dfil or not.

"It's a 5 hour round trip and she's visiting friends in the area so she doesn't want to!" Your MIl definitely does not need to do any favours for your FIL because of this. Please talk to your dh. Sadly, this has gone a bit tits up and it was a good idea so you now need to enlist your husband on the best way forward with this because it is his birthday and his parents.

"So whilst she is polite and it's amicable she doesn't really want to spend time with him!" Make sure you tell your MIL you don't expect or want her to do anything for her ex that she does not want to do.

"And all DH and his DBs love him of course, but in small doses." I do feel it is time for your husband's brothers to step up and assist in the ferrying him around, for the sake of your husband, whose big birthday it is, and for the sake of their own mum.

You've done the leg work in planning this, time for some of the blokes who are not turning 40 to step up!

"We see him far more than anyone else, invite him over all the time, had him for Xmas etc. Always try and include him in or lives." Sounds like even more reasons why your husband's brothers should step up!

If FIL can find accommodation in a local town then he can join you for days and one person needs to stay sober to take him home each night, not that big of a deal, surely.

OP chill out, talk to your dh, it seems better to get this right now rather than for it to be a surprise. Get the brothers on hand to drive. You have tried to do a nice thing, remember that.

(PS if you told us what a shit your FIL was we may all have been less accommodating from the start!)

MotherDidYouSayKellogs Thu 30-Mar-17 17:41:03

Why is it so bad that I tried to arrange something separate with him though in London? Is that awful?

It's not us he's gutted about (he said this!) it's the other GDC that he doesn't see often. I can't help that!

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