Please help me find direction(7 Posts)
I know I come across as UR, ungrateful and probably need a slap but I'm just feeling so down and lost.
I've just had my First D.C. Not too long ago.
Previous to that I had a successful but unfulfilling career. I took a break before having D.C. And my dh was very supportive and I'm a sahp now. I love my DS to bits, however Im not sure what's going on with me.
I should have nothing to complain about. I have a lovely mortgage free home, my DS is healthy, a lovely dh, very financially well off, full time help, we've just purchased a new dream home. This life is a complete turn around from how I grew up. Horrific emotional abuse by my dm, suicide by my df, being a victim of a horrific crime, just so much pain before meeting my dh and things slowly started turning around.
I now have the things I dreamed of, prayed about - a stable home life, unconditional love and support from my dh, a healthy and loving ds, yet I feel so empty. I can't talk about this to anyone because I know how ungrateful I sound. I can't explain it.
I feel as if the journey to get here has drained me so much that I now exist rather than live life. I feel as though I'm keeping it together, and I would rather not be here. I wouldn't do that to my dh and DS though.
Sorry if I sound awful, just putting down some thoughts that's all jumbled up in my head. I'm not in the U.K. But have lived there for many years before moving back home. Not sure what I'm asking. Thanks for reading
Have you ever had counselling for your horrible childhood.
It might be it's all catching up with you because you're now in a place you don't need to fight anymore. You've relaxed and content and in happy place so your brain thinks now time to start processing that shit.
Get to a counsellor
You don't sound awful!
You sound as though you need help untangling the jumble in your head. Try your GP, phone Samaritans or seek recommendations for a counsellor/therapist. Or all 3. There isn't a one size fits all type of help out there and there's no harm in exploring all the options.
Samaritans won't give you advice but they will listen and, hopefully, help untangle some of it to see if there's a clearer path for you.
Well done for doing the first part - asking for help. It's often the hardest first step to make.
You say you should have nothing to complain about, then "Horrific emotional abuse by my dm, suicide by my df, being a victim of a horrific crime, just so much pain before meeting my dh".
Sounds like you have plenty you could complain about! Just because it happened a long time ago doesn't mean it cant still affect you now. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot - please be kind to yourself. If a friend told you those things, would you say "Oh, but you have a lovely life now so don't complain"? Of course you wouldn't.
You are financially comfortable - use that money to help you recover from your past. Get yourself a good counsellor to talk everything through with and give yourself the best chance of being able to enjoy the happiness you deserve.xx
You don't sound UR at all.
I am so glad you have this life now.
It is perfectly natural to find that just when everything is perfect, these feelings come rushing in. It happens physically too when people who have worked very hard stop for a holiday they might suddenly get ill.
Another aspect can be, that you were so accustomed to abuse and great difficulties, that to some extent what you have now seems strange and uncomfortable.
Also, when you have your own child, your subconscious begins to remember your own childhood.
It might help you a lot to have counselling for your childhood, and for possible post-natal depression. As you have no money worries, you should be able to get counselling you pay for straight away without a long wait, but perhaps your GP could help you find someone good.
With your baby, see if you can get out and about to baby groups etc so you do not become isolated and lonely.
You honestly don't sound unreasonable or ungrateful, so stop beating yourself up! It sounds like now you've got to a good place in life that you're naturally reflecting on your path there - and it's all catching up with you. Reminds me of that thing when folk who work hard and finally get a holiday always fall ill and end up spending it in bed! In this case, it's your mind, not your body that's finally dealing with past trauma and stressors. Probably very normal. This would be a very good time to go talk to a counsellor or therapist to work through it all. X
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