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AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

(716 Posts)
LaLaCascada Wed 29-Mar-17 21:06:28

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

CosyCoupe88 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:08:22

I would say yabu. After all she cleared up your urine, poo and vomit for YEARS. I would have done it for my mum

DellaPorter Wed 29-Mar-17 21:09:27

I think that's pretty mean. He probably wished the ground would swallow her up. You should have discreetly sorted it out without embarrassing her further. She's your mum, has done a lot more for you!

CosyCoupe88 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:09:30

Maybe get some of those maternity or puppy pad things for the car? I had them when I was heavily pregnant just in case!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 29-Mar-17 21:09:39

I would have expected her to clean it up. And to be seeking medical attention/wearing pads to avoid problems.

DellaPorter Wed 29-Mar-17 21:09:39

She, I meant

MrsJaniceBattersby Wed 29-Mar-17 21:09:52

I would have just discreetly cleaned it , then spoken to her about going to the Drs

witsender Wed 29-Mar-17 21:10:00

I would have done it for my mum. She's not a puppy whose nose needs rubbing in it.

ShelaghTurner Wed 29-Mar-17 21:11:17

Yeah actually I think you were pretty mean, sorry. My mum is 71 and is pretty fit and able but I wouldn't make her clean up, no. It would have taken you two minutes and no humiliation needed. Sounds like you made a big deal out of it for no real reason.

littlefrog3 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:11:35


I am sure she wouldn't have weed herself on purpose just for shits and giggles. Wouldn't hurt you help her; she in her 70s' FGS! Poor woman. Have a heart! sad

thebakerwithboobs Wed 29-Mar-17 21:12:00

Your mum has lost her dignity already, I'm not convinced you needed to make it worse. She gave you birth and cleaned your accidents. I would have given her sympathy and compassion.

Happyandhungry Wed 29-Mar-17 21:12:33

No YANBU what kind of woman WOULDN'T feel mortified and go and clean their wee up?! And what kind of woman with that sort of problem doesn't go out wearing big tena lady pads just in case (if she was choosing to live with it rather than have it treated). Glad she is now getting it sorted.

FirstSeemItThenBeIt Wed 29-Mar-17 21:12:53

So basically you humiliated her. For what reason? Are you under the impression she did it for fun?confused

backtowork2015 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:12:57

I think I would have cleaned it up in a kind of 'oh no, don't worry about it, it's really nothing to worry about, as long as you're ok' way. Id have felt I was punishing her if I made her do it but odd she didn't offer to herself. Mum and I would probably have been fighting for the cloth

QueenArseClangers Wed 29-Mar-17 21:13:12

I would've done it for my DM. She is, however, the kindest most wonderful woman.
She's cleaned up my messes and my kids' wee and poo. It all depends on your relationship with her though I suppose.
She hardly pissed herself on purpose though.

ineedamoreadultieradult Wed 29-Mar-17 21:13:44

I cant imagine standing there and demanding my Mum clean the car I would have done it myself and then maybe taken the car for an internal valet. I would have spoken to her about seeing her GP but I couldnt have stood over her and demanded she clean the car!

QueenArseClangers Wed 29-Mar-17 21:14:08

If she has a bladder urge problem (as stated in OP) does she not routinely wear pads?

GerardNoWay Wed 29-Mar-17 21:14:12

Gosh, OP, that sounds a bit mean and humiliating for your DM.

You pretty much frog marched her to the car and stood and watched her whilst she cleaned up. I would be mortified if it were me.

I think you were unreasonable, your poor mum.

gamerchick Wed 29-Mar-17 21:14:15

I'm a bit torn. It does seem a bit mean but if cleaning it up made her face it and take action then some good came out of it. No one should suffer from peeing issues if they can be helped.

I don't think I could have done it though, maybe a professional clean (which if it's only been kitchen rolled will probably still need) and a ban from the car if she won't see a doc is as far as I could go.

AprilSkies44 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:14:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 29-Mar-17 21:14:23

Aww, that was a bit mean OP.

It must be pretty embarrassing to have to admit to your adult daughter that you wet herself in her car. Then you went out of your way to make her go out and clean it up! There was no need for it.

YABU. Be nice to your mum.

PinkDaffodil2 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:14:52

I'm sure she's cleaned up after you plenty - also her pelvic floor was presumably a bit trashed by you and your sibling - it would have been kind to discreetly deal with it, then nudge her towards seeing a doctor.

BubbleBed Wed 29-Mar-17 21:14:54

Yabu. You shamed and humiliated her. There was no need for it. It was an accident, you could have cleaned it. She's 70 fgs.

CosyCoupe88 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:15:01

Your post has made me feel really sad for your mum. Read it again and you're saying you're annoyed as have to sit there tomorrow. She didn't do it maliciously. ..It was an accident. As a daughter I try and act in a way that I won't regret when my mum is no longer around... Even if that does mean sometimes going well out of my way for her. That said I have a lot of making up to do for what an arse I was as a teenager haha. Be kind to your mum.. you only get one

confusedat23 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:15:13

I think your mother hardly intended to wet herself in the car.

God get a grip OP it's your own mother! The fact that she is elderly and has an incontinence issue just makes the fact that you made her clean it up even worse!

I hope my own children treat me with more respect and dignity than you do with your mum angry

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