AIBU to not rearrange evening and go to see PIL?

[PandasRock]

This is going to be long, sorry. I'm not expecting any solutions, particularly (there aren't any), just need a rant.

I have been no contact with PIL for about 6 years now, and before that was virtually no contact for another couple of years.

They are toxic, and 8 years ago, following verbal abuse of my dss, I told H they were no longer welcome in my house, as I couldn't trust them to not do the same with our dc (then dd1 - has severe ASD and, with the best will in the world, is difficult and challenging - and dd2 - also on the spectrum; we have since had ds, who also has ASD, who they haven't ever met (their choice, as there have been a couple of occasions where they could have, but chose not to))

H was low contact for a long while, but has recently been talking to them more. Relations between H and me are strained (not related to this issue).

PIL came up with a grand plan to visit. H says he told them in no uncertain terms that if they did come to stay nearby (they live at other end of the country) then any visit would have to be organised with the dc in mind, putting their needs first. Whether he did, and they haven't listened, or he didn't actually put his foot down as firmly as he said he did, I don't know, but the reality of the visit is farcical.

H and I spoke about it last week, when he said he wanted us to meet them for dinner today and tomorrow. Should be fine, except the dc don't get in from school on those two nights until 6pm (ds is only 4!) and just need a quick tea before wind down and bed. Dd1 is also having a tough time at the moment, and while previously having dinner at a restaurant was ok, it is difficult to achieve currently, so not a great plan to try it when she is tired after a day at school and hanging around waiting for siblings to finish after school clubs etc. Not to mention when she is having to meet relations who will not make many adaptations to include her. I mentioned all this, and H was adamant that we should try to meet PIL as they had 'come all this way' etc.

Fast forward to today, and I find out that actually, we're not seeing them tonight (find out at 5.45, so need to come up with a quick plan for tea! Great communication from H - instead, he is going to have dinner with them by himself), but H still wants to go ahead with tomorrow night.

I don't. It will be a hellish time. Dd1 and dd2 have not seen PIL for 6 years, and even that was only a quick half hour chat in a café. They quite literally have no idea who they are (dd1 is 12, dd2 is 10). Ds has never met them. PIL are not great with small children (should be seen and not heard), and awful with disability (will have no idea how to engage with dd1, and worse, will expect me and H to focus on PIL, rather than letting us get on with settling and keeping dd1 occupied etc.)

H is in a strop because I am saying no. He is playing the 'but they've come all this way' card (I didn't ask them to, and did actually say it wasn't a great time to visit as dc in school, after school would be difficult etc).

To top it all off, I am actually supposed to be going out tomorrow night (only a school mums meet thing, but I don't get many nights out!) but H is feigning ignorance, and claiming I never told him. I know I did.

I hate this. I don't want to be manipulated into seeing people I don't like, just because they have decided they suddenly want to take an interest in their grandchildren, but there is no way around it. Either I go, or it won't go ahead (all my fault, PIL have put themselves out etc, etc), or H will attempt to take all dc out on his own, and none of them will enjoy it (dd2 has already asked that if they are going to meet their grandparents, I go too as otherwise 'daddy will just get cross with dd1 and I don't like that')

So I get to jump now that manipulative, toxic PIL have pulled the strings.

Bollocks.

[TheHouseOfIllRepute]

Go for your night and let H take the kids to meet his parents
There will be fallout no doubt but you will still get your night and avoid PIL

[Allthebestnamesareused]

What Houseofillrepute said.

Let H sort out kids and PIL and deal with all fallout

[Mulberry72]

Definitely let DH take the DC on his own, you've been NC for a reason, there's no need for you to cancel your night out.

As House said, there will be fallout but surely that's preferable to a meal out with the IL's?

[PandasRock]

That's just not possible at the moment.

All 3 dc have ASD. Dd1 (severe ASD and learning difficulties) is being particularly challenging currently, even without adding in disapproving relatives; dd2 is wavering about meeting them anyway, hates change, new things etc. Ds will just be ds, which is ok, but probably won't be able to speak to PIL at all.

It would be an unmitigated disaster, and would have long reaching implications - e.g. on dd1's behaviour in public.

[ScarlettFreestone]

Could you invite them to have a meal (takeaway?) at your house.

Less stressful for the children and you could say a polite hello for 20 mins or so and then leave for your night out.

[PandasRock]

Even with both of us trying to take all 3 dc out is difficult at the moment, due to dd1's challenging behaviour. Let alone to a restaurant (lovely and echoey for when dd1 starts shouting, and impossible to leave without creating a huge disturbance if she does kick off).

[Leeds2]

You go on your night out. Could DH possibly cook PIl, and the DC, dinner in your home so that the DC will feel more comfortable and will be able to amuse themselves in a familiar environment once the meal has finished?

[PinkDaffodil2]

Go on your night out, and trust your husband to make appropriate plans around the children. They may have to re-arrange or just meet for a quick coffee / cake with the children if that's more manageable, but make this his responsibility not yours if you think he'd manage.

[ExplodedCloud]

Yy to Scarlett's suggestion. Or would that be an invitation to nosey about?

[ExplodedCloud]

You could even leave early to avoid them

[PandasRock]

Scarlett: that is technically possible, but it's another manipulation in PIL part. Back when the NC started (was instigated by H, btw), the stipulation was that they were not welcome in our house unless and until they apologised to dss for what happened. They never have, have glossed over it, minimised it, and expect it to be swept under the carpet. FIL has never taken responsibility for verbally abusing (and coming close to hitting) 15 yo dss (who also no longer speaks to them).

If they come around here, whilst it is the best solution, it does just feel like they can carry on sweeping it under the carpet. They will absolutely take it as acceptance from us (me, I guess, since H is back on speaking terms with them anyway) that I/we were the unreasonable Ines over what happened with dss.

[Msqueen33]

I've got two with asd. My youngest wouldn't be able to handle it. But I'd suggest that your husband has them over to your house for a takeaway rather than taking them out. I'd be tempted to let them take them and have him deal with them but I know for a lot of asd kids that one meal could have a huge impact on future goings out.

What does your husband suggest? That you miss a night out? He should see if that if his parents have come along way they'd want to see the kids regardless of where they see them but frankly some people are arseholes who don't have a clue about disabilities and that's how they want to stay.

[JaniceBattersby]

Well if he can't take them all alone, that's that then. Just tell him you are NC with them because they are abusive and you're not prepared to see them,

[Bluntness100]

Well he's clearly trying to repair relations with his parents, which is understandable as they are his parents, people do try.

Personally I'd suck it up and go and be polite, but only for my husbands sake, and he'd do it for me if I asked. However let him take the kids himself if uou can't tolerate it and you go on your night out. Reassure your kids dad won't be mad and he should do the same explaining your not coming for no other reason than you have other plans.

[ExplodedCloud]

Not if you're pointedly out. That sends a message that they aren't accepted by you.

[Bluntness100]

Actually getting a takeaway in is a good idea.

[ModreB]

So what if they came a long way? Were they invited? No, then they have to fit in with you and your pre existing plans or entertain themselves. Your H needs to be a parent and deal with it, not your problem.

[PandasRock]

The night out isn't really the issue, tbh.

Yes, I'd like to go, but even if this nonsense with PIL wasn't happening, it wouldn't be a given (as clearly H hadn't remembered it was supposed to be happening, so if PIL weren't here, I doubt he have been back from work in time anyway)

It's Hobson's choice though.

If I go out, then H will invite PIL around here - possible nightmare with behaviour, as I bet they wouldn't keep out of the way at eg bedtime, would want to have a look around (they've never been to this house before) and wouldn't respect dd1 saying she didn't want them in her room, H would probably try to include them in bedtime routine which would stuff it up for dd1 etc.

If I don't go out, then no reason not to go out for dinner with PIL and dc (well, apart from all the good reasons I've already said to H, but he doesn't seem to think they are good enough reasons, despite us not being able to mange dd1's behaviour at the best of times at the moment!)

[Bluntness100]

What do you want to happen op? They are his kids too and it's understandable if he wishes them to see his parents, he will probably not view his parents as you do.

[PandasRock]

H won't be a parent and deal with it, that's the problem.

And yes, it will potentially have a huge impact on future going out if it goes wrong. To be clear, dd1 has severe behavioural issues. She is at a SN school, and has full time 1:1. We are struggling with keeping her calm and manageable at the best of times, and that's with the two of us solely focusing on the dc.

Bluntness: in a better marital situation I would absolutely suck it up. But relations between H and I are strained, and we will be separating as soon as we can. I don't particularly feel inclined right now (but admit that I might be being a bit UR about that)

[ExplodedCloud]

Perhaps it'll be the end of their interest though. 1 evening for years of NC to come

[TheCakes]

I think H wants to see them, and as they are his parents, that's his choice. It's his house too, and if he's happy to have them round, and do any cooking, ordering or general arranging that's required, then that's his choice.
You go out and keep your beef up.

[travellingfamily]

Could H go out with 1DC (DD2? - suitably bribed if need be?) What person thinks a school night is a good night to go out to dinner with a 4 year old?

[ExplodedCloud]

Sorry it sounds like I'm being flippant but I have a dc with ASD and NC ILs

[PandasRock]

What do I want to happen?

I don't want my dc to be made to see people who are at best narcissistic, and at worst emotionally manipulative and abusive. They were abusive to H and is brother growing up, and when they started on dss, H put his foot down (and I supported him).

In a typical screwed up parent-child way, he has mellowed over th years, but mostly through guilt. He knows (and admits) that his parents aren't particularly nice people.

Imo, it would be better for the dc (all vulnerable and not great at reading even the most straightforward social situation, let alone able to work out if they are being manipulated) not to have a relationship with them, as they will undoubtedly try to control them, and will blow hot and cold as the whim takes them, and think nothing of dropping the dc if they do not behave as PIL would like. Damaging, and avoidable a small it's not as though the dc know them, nor will ever have any kind of meaningful relationship,with them.