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To ask if you would warn a friend their partner is planning on cheating on them?

(35 Posts)
user53738496 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:02:17

To my knowledge the cheating has not taken place yet but I think possibly the dilemma is the same.

A couple I know, been married for approx 13 years, two children, the husband had cheated before. Wife has forgiven him but I don't believe fully trusts him.

Husband nearly cheated again two years ago but didn't go through with it. There is reason to believe he may go through with it within the next month as the person he nearly slept with is back on the scene temporarily.

Wife knows nothing about the last time it nearly happened so no reason to be cautious this time.

Would you warn the wife if you were her friend? Or stay well clear? Would you want to be told if you were the wife in the scenario?

PurpleDaisies Wed 29-Mar-17 17:06:17

Nearly cheating isn't cheating though. I'm sure many people are tempted but if they don't actually cheat surely that's a good thing?

What would you say to your friend? Your husband didn't cheat on you two years ago but I think he might now? confused

PodgeBod Wed 29-Mar-17 17:06:38

How can you know all of this for certain? Would the wife believe you?

cingolimama Wed 29-Mar-17 17:07:29

Is this for real? If so, FFS, stay out of it. Nothing has happened. What exactly does "planning to cheat" mean? Have they discussed it with you in detail?

I've "planned to cheat" many a time. But as Antonio Banderas never actually crossed my path, it never happened. Glad there wasn't a friend like you to warn my DH.

Monsterpage Wed 29-Mar-17 17:09:08

I'd keep your nose out of their marriage.

user53738496 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:09:19

I know the couple and I know the possible OW. It didn't happen last time because she backed out of it, she wouldn't this time. It's a specific circumstance which I can't go into much detail about.

I want to stay out of it, I do not want to get involved. But can't decide if I'm doing my friend a disservice by not saying anything.

FooFighter99 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:11:33

It's a tricky situation, you can't really warn her that he might cheat. But you also don't want to wait until after he has as it's too late by then.

Can you not tell him that you know about the last time when it nearly happened and you're not going to cover for him should it happen this time and you WILL be telling his wife if he cheats?

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would even contemplate cheating on me, so the wife might appreciate the heads up, I know I would!

How well do you know the wife? Is it a conversation you would feel comfortable having?

user53738496 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:15:40

He knows I know about the last time. It is not a happy marriage by all accounts, I don't think the wife knows just how the husband speaks about her, he is frankly a bit of a shit.

I am as certain as I can be that something will happen this time around. I know the ow and she has been warned off by others, it hasn't worked.

x2boys Wed 29-Mar-17 17:16:13

i think the fact the husband didnt go through with it says alot presumably his relationship meant more to him then the opportunity to cheat?

user53738496 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:17:25

x2boys - he didn't go through with it because ow backed out, not him. He wasn't happy about it.

x2boys Wed 29-Mar-17 17:18:43

so hw would have cheated then given the opprtunity thats slightly different although i think i would stay out of it.

x2boys Wed 29-Mar-17 17:19:48


PurpleDaisies Wed 29-Mar-17 17:20:29

Presumably you're getting this from the would be ow. How can you trust she's telling the truth about what did or didn't happen?

NC543212345 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:20:47

I absolutely would. Be prepared for her to shoot the messenger though, unless you do it anonymously but then there is a chance she won't believe it

user53738496 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:22:31

x2boys - yes, that's it. I should've made that clear in the beginning, sorry.

I feel like I can't say anything because it's not as if I'm informing her of anything that's actually happened.

PinkHeart59156816 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:22:37

Nearly cheating is not the same as cheated.

It depends what you've been told I guess, if Jane at the school gates has said I saw him smiling at Sue that mean he will be cheating soon. I'd probably forget it
If you know a hotel has been booked for 8pm Saturday and it was a good friend I'd mention it.

If all you've got in he said she said and idle gossip I'd say nothing, if you've seen something with your own eyes to suggest his cheating/going to cheat I'd say something

nineanimals Wed 29-Mar-17 17:22:38

I think you should tell the husband what you know about the situation and say if he does cheat with this ow you will tell his wife.

You can't say anything to his wife before he's done anything.

user53738496 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:26:20

Ow is telling me the truth, I am 100% certain of that. But I saw and heard enough from the husband the last time around as well.

Papafran Wed 29-Mar-17 17:31:05

I would wait until it happens tbh. Then I would tell the wife. But can't you tell the OW that this is a married man with children and that she should have enough self-respect to keep away? I would also tell the husband that he is a lowlife and that if he cheats, you will tell his wife.

BarbarianMum Wed 29-Mar-17 17:31:24

If you know the other woman well enough for her to confide in you, why not tell her what a shit he is? Do you really believe his wife thinks he's a Prince?

PinkHeart59156816 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:33:38

I'm not sure you can trust anything an ow says tbh, let alone be 100% sure she's telling the truth.

What do you want to say to his wife at this stage " your dh might cheat on you" and............

Ginkypig Wed 29-Mar-17 17:34:10

I would want to know but I'd also be really really angry that you sat on the other time for so long, I'd feel like a fool that for two years everyone knew and I was around you all thinking I had a decent marriage.

To make her understand why you know about this time you will have to tell her about last time. So the whole story will have to come out.

To be honest I'd want out of the marriage.

user53738496 Wed 29-Mar-17 17:35:37

Ow has been warned off by other people, it hasn't worked. I can (and probably will) try again myself but I doubt it will do any good.

Bit sad really, wife has very low self esteem and already puts up with more than she should. I suspect she knows she's married to an arse (being kind).

MrsTwix Wed 29-Mar-17 17:36:45

I think I'd talk to him and tell him the other woman has a nasty dose of something sexually transmitted your concerns and that you will have to talk to his wife.

diddl Wed 29-Mar-17 17:47:39

If "ow" baked out before, why are you so sure that she would go ahead this time?

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