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to want a very low contact relationship with my inlaws?

(20 Posts)
bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 29-Mar-17 14:17:03

I have nothing against dh and the dgc seeing them, but I don't wish to. The reasons are quite long and complicated. There has been no massive falling out but I don't like them very much and I find our visits a monumental chore.

Dh has seen his parents twice since Christmas without me. Now a visit during the Easter holidays is proposed. I really don't want to go! Can I just say "I don't want to go" again? My dh is well aware of my issues with his parents, but chooses not to talk to them about everything. Understandable, of course, because he loves them. But in that case, should he not be willing to see them on his own (or with the children)?

CoolJazz Wed 29-Mar-17 14:21:46

Depends obvs, on the long complicated reasons hmm.
And whether this impacts on your DH.

If reasons very deep and serious yanbu.

If, it's more I don't really enjoy it much yabu.

Then
If your dh is cool with you not going yanbu.

If you are making your Dh very sad and negatively affecting your relationship and family yabu.

BonnyScotland Wed 29-Mar-17 14:31:54

you are absolutely not being unreasonable... why must you visit people you do not wish too.... your DH and DC are happy to go see them... that's fine... I stopped 'doing the right thing' for everyone else's sake a very long time ago... it feel great x

brownpurse Wed 29-Mar-17 14:34:27

Hard to tell when you don't really give any reasons.Lots of things in life are a chore . It doesn't mean we can stop doing them all.

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 29-Mar-17 14:37:51

I did say "very low contact" not "no contact". Imo that would be seeing them once or twice a year, max. Whereas my husband probably sees them 5-6 times a year.

CoolJazz Wed 29-Mar-17 14:42:03

Are your Dh and Dc happy with you having that level of contact?
If so that's fine.

Kentnurse2015 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:44:30

Surely it's impossible for us to say really? If you can give us reasons that might help. If you just 'don't like them' then YABU for the sake of your family!

MangoSplit Wed 29-Mar-17 14:47:44

Agree with others.

If you find them boring / irritating / mildly intrusive etc then YABU and should suck it up for the sake of family harmony (I'm not saying you should go every time, but say 2 out of 3 visits).

If they have been so very hurtful that you feel it is damaging your mental health to go, then YANBU.

R2G Wed 29-Mar-17 14:50:16

My sister in law chooses to have pretty much no contact at all. We're all grateful for it. Family occasions are now fun and light hearted without her sat in the corner clock watching. (There's more to it all obviously). Perhaps they feel the same about you. Not a jibe - just saying do what's best for you and your family, it's the son and contact with the kids they are bothered about.

xStefx Wed 29-Mar-17 14:53:37

The reasons are quite long and complicated. There has been no massive falling out

Its hard to form an opinion without knowing your reasons. agree with PP, if Inlaws have been hurtful then of course YANBU but if its just normal pain in the bum in laws stuff then I would agree to suck it up and take one for the family and go :-)

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:57:41

No need to feel bad if if staying home is what you want.!!

bibbitybobbityyhat Wed 29-Mar-17 14:59:36

I think you've got it R2G. Dh and I have been married for 22 years. I always quite liked them but their habits and they way there are has increasingly wound me up over the years. Familiarity breeds contempt. I can now see some really awful sides (to mil in particular) that have gradually become apparent over the years. Now I find I can't tolerate them as people and get no pleasure in their company. I strongly feel the feeling is mutual. If I was married to them I'd want a divorce!

Obviously dh has his relatively happy childhood and shared history with them to act as a buffer to their increasingly selfish and miserable behaviour and feels more of a sense of duty than I do.

I have my own obligations to my own mother and step-mother and dh certainly doesn't involve himself in all my dealings with them.

WorkingBling Wed 29-Mar-17 15:01:48

It depends on what dh wants. As it's clear you just don't like them
Very much, if he feels your attendance at Easter is important, you should go. Sometimes we have to suck it up. And as you have missed the last two, this doesn't seem such a big chore.

dustarr73 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:03:23

I think it's fine to go low contact.As long as you don't mind your dh going low contact with your parents.

CoolJazz Wed 29-Mar-17 15:05:13

Is your Dh OK with you having low contact?

This is an issue for 2 married people to work out together. If he's fine with it, there's no problem. If he isn't, why? is it reasonable of him to expect his Dw to tolerate his parents 4/5 a year for his sake?

I'm using question marks because those are questions without clear answers.

Depends. On how upset or not it makes your DH. On whether he's expecting things from you he doesn't give back i.e. tolerating your family.

and many other factors we just don't know.

user1476185294 Wed 29-Mar-17 15:09:36

Sounds like DP is LC with your DM & DSM, if that's also because of similar issues or even less then I don't see any problem he could have with you doing the same.

Something that needs to be decided between the two of you.

PoorYorick Wed 29-Mar-17 15:09:59

If there's been no massive falling out or major incident, and it's just that they're boring and annoying, well, welcome to family gatherings. They use obligation to get you there for a reason. Nobody does it for fun.

Lingotria Wed 29-Mar-17 15:53:12

As long as you're not preventing your kids from having a relationship with their grandparents then fine. Similarly don't be disappointed if eventually they start leaving you off important 'family' guest lists & stop trying to involve you.

Huldra Wed 29-Mar-17 16:03:15

Agree with others, it really depends on what the issues are. If they're just dull, they wind you up and you wind them up, then see them every few visits. For the shorter ones, not week long ones where you can't escape each other.

All my sil's see my mother very rarely these days because my mother makes it very clear that she dislikes them. I don't blame them for only turning up when they really have to!

Floralnomad Wed 29-Mar-17 16:13:50

Do whatever you want . I never got on with my Inlaws and finally about 19/20 yrs ago ( 9/10 years into knowing them) DH had a word with them about some issues and they chose to not speak to / see me again . It's been bliss , originally the DC would go visit with DH but both have now stopped visiting for their own reasons although they would be polite if they met MIL somewhere . We've been married 28 yrs this year and I doubt our marriage would have survived if we had carried on as we were .

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