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To suggest maybe he could just see a doctor and see if there's a simple solution to the problem that's going to break us up?

(48 Posts)
PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 11:14:36

I'm pretty sure I'm not but his reaction suggests I might be.

My partner and I are both late twenties and have been together 5 years. For most of those years we have struggled with his low sex drive. We were averaging 5-6 times a year, though it's slightly gone up recently. It seems been horrible and heartbreaking, I've felt constantly rejected and sad that just about anything seems more important to him than having sex with me. We are very loving and affectionate with each other, lots of cuddling and kissing, but it rarely turns into sex and usually needs to be planned in some way when it does. I've come to realise it's not me that's the problem but it doesn't always feel that way. I love him and want to spend my life with him, but have seriously considered leaving over this. He has repeatedly refused to consider therapy, seeing a doctor to see if it's something physical etc. He's definitely not gay. We have talked and talked (and then not talked about it for a long time because 'it's too much pressure') and he always says he'll try harder but never does. He just doesn't want it very often and I don't want to force him into it.

I've been doing some googling and have come across some studies that show that diabetic men can have lower testosterone levels. He's been Type 1 diabetic since childhood. I've asked/begged that could he go to the doctor and just ask if they'll test his testosterone levels. It might not be that at all, but what if it is and it's easily fixable? Apparently I've ruined his day and put him in a bad mood. He doesn't want to go to the doctor, I'm totally unreasonable for even suggesting it. I know this might not be the answer but couldn't he just try and find out?

AIBU for suggesting he go to the doctor and possibly find a solution to the only problem in our relationship before I can't take it any more and leave? I really really don't want to break up, I just want things to be better.

MrsTwix Wed 29-Mar-17 12:01:14

I don't think it's at all unreasonable, and from what I know, (not a doctor) it's probably the diabetes.

However men can be a little fragile about anything medical or anything penis related. You have hit him with a double whammy. I suggest you back off for a little while and give him time to think about it. Leave it be for a few days so he can process the idea and then very gently ask him if he has had chance to think about going to the doctor.

Sunnymeg Wed 29-Mar-17 12:15:02

Yes. It probably is the diabetes that is causing the problem. There may be a medical solution, or there may not. It is not uncommon for type 1 diabetics to have problems getting and maintaining an election. Nothing to do with you, just a side effect of the disease. If he is having problems, then he may well shy away from initiating intercourse. Type 1 diabetes can also impact on fertility, which you need to think about looking ahead. He really needs to go and get everything checked out.

Sunnymeg Wed 29-Mar-17 12:15:47

Election! I'm sure you know what I mean .

PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 12:39:37

Thanks both. He's already calmed down a bit and said he'll give it some thought so will leave it for now. We are aware of the potential fertility issues and do have it in mind.
He doesn't generally have any problem getting and maintaining an erection, except once or twice when his sugar levels have suddenly dropped. He does also have some tummy fat (although he's not overweight) which also apparently can be a sign of low testosterone.

I hope he does come round to going to the doctor, I just hope they don't dismiss the suggestion if he gets there because he'd never go back then.

LadyPW Wed 29-Mar-17 12:43:21

Have you researched what the doctors could possibly do if it is diabetes-related? It's one thing knowing that something might be possible, but totally different knowing exactly what. He might think they need to stick needles in delicate places when actually it's a simple pill or whatever. Knowledge is power. If you can give him some facts he might be more willing to go see the doctor - less terrifying.

PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 13:07:07

If it is low testosterone it would usually be treated with injections, but not in delicate places. He's not generally worried about needles as he injections insulin several times a day.

isupposeitsverynice Wed 29-Mar-17 13:08:53

It sounds like a knee-jerk reaction. I cna imagine a lot of men interpreting low testosterone as "You're not a REAL MAN" and getting upset. Must be stressful for both of you. LadyPW suggestion a good one.

Meekonsandwich Wed 29-Mar-17 13:32:54

Does he know you're willing to leave him over this?? Because if it's a case of a 15 minute trip to the doctor and maybe a blood test over losing you?! Unless he's secretly fed up with the relationship he should be there in a heart beat.

I'd lay it all out on the table, "I'm sorry but unless you get this sorted im leaving you"

Laiste Wed 29-Mar-17 13:39:56

meekon's suggestion seems harsh but i agree actually.

This has been going on for 5 years already. Not like it's cropped up last week or something. He needs a jolt to go and get sorted. If OP feeling inclined to leave him over it doesn't do it nothing will.

Happyandhungry Wed 29-Mar-17 13:45:26

Wow you're really forgiving to stay with someone for so long at your age only having sex 6 times a year! Sounds like you've cracked it, i can see why he got annoyed but glad hes now seen why you suggested the GP to him. If he actively wants to improve your sex life to keep you then he'll do something about it but if its been going on 5 years and he hasnt already booked a doctors appt i dont see much hope there. Personally I would move on NOT because of the lack of sex but because of his lack of wanting to do something about it.

PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 13:47:54

He does know I'm willing to leave yes. I've come close to it before, but in my heart I know it's not what I want. I've tried to just reduce my expectations in that department to as low as possible. Everything else in our relationship is great.

It's been different so far because it wasn't necessarily something that could be sorted, it was just him. It's only the possibility that is something medical that's put that on the table IYSWIM

PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 13:49:05

I'll leave him to the end of the day and then broach it again.

YerAWizardHarry Wed 29-Mar-17 13:53:15

I could have written this post except me and DP have only been together a year and a half. He is also type 1 diabetic. We've had sex once in the last 8 months and that was a drunken fumble on holiday in November sad he's the best in every other aspect of our relationship and has said he will go to the doctor but it hasn't actually materialised into anything yet.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Wed 29-Mar-17 13:54:05

I'll leave him to the end of the day and then broach it again.

I'd give him a couple of days. Mentioning it again today could seem like nagging or aggression.

Kiroro Wed 29-Mar-17 13:54:31

I'd lay it all out on the table, "I'm sorry but unless you get this sorted im leaving you"

I think I would moderate that with "I'm sorry but unless you try to get this sorted im leaving you"

I have zero time for people who don't seek treatment for health issues.

loobylouloos Wed 29-Mar-17 14:03:37

What if he doesn't have low testosterone? What if he just has a low sex drive and there isn't anything wrong?

Sometimes people aren't compatible in the bedroom. There's nothing wrong and it is no ones fault.

waterrat Wed 29-Mar-17 14:07:35

OP, if you don't have sex and it makes you unhappy - please don't feel bad about leaving him. You can be friends - but imagine trying to get pregnant with a man so uninterested in having sex.

Also, if you actually say you are leaving he will have to decide if he is prepared to put the work in to make changes.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

The person who said they have only been in a relationship a year and a half and it's already gone to no sex - please...leave! sort your own life out and be happy.

PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 14:08:01

YerAWizardHarry
Sorry to hear you're also going through this. We were fine for the first 6 months and then it just got harder and harder. We never broached doctor that early on, I thought t might just be who he is or possibly anxiety (I'm much more experienced than him) maybe if we had it wouldn't have gone on so long.

Kiroro
I would generally agree with you, I suppose it feels different to another health issues in that not tackling it doesn't pose a risk to his physical health. Ultimately it may not be something we can do anything about, but I do believe he wants things to change.

LadyPW Wed 29-Mar-17 14:10:02

I have zero time for people who don't seek treatment for health issues.
But health issues can be downright scary. It's the not knowing what it could be or what treatment would be involved.

PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 14:10:41

The fact that it might just be who he is is what I'd already been trying to come to terms with. It does make me sad, but being without him would make me sadder. Sex is important but it isn't everything, having a kind, supportive partner who would be with me through anything is just as important.

Rubies12345 Wed 29-Mar-17 14:40:26

It says its caused by poorly controlled diabetes so maybe he can go to the endocrinologist and focus on his blood sugar control without discussing his elections.

PaperdollCartoon Wed 29-Mar-17 14:44:55

He has no problem controlling his diabetes, his doctors are very happy with his levels and hasn't had a single proper hypo or hyper in the whole time I've known him. He takes his diabetes care very seriously.

Nothing I've found has suggested low testosterone in diabetic men is the result only of poor control over sugars.

sparechange Wed 29-Mar-17 14:52:35

Would be an option for him to discuss this with his Endocrinologist instead of his GP?
If it is testoserone, that's an endo issue anyway, but they are much much more likely to be up to date on the research and treatments than a GP (which isn't GP bashing at all, but they can't read all the research on every condition)

It also means he gets to talk to someone he always has a doctor-patient relationship with, so it could be easier for him?

amusedbush Wed 29-Mar-17 14:59:45

This is very interesting.

DH and I are also late 20's, been together since we were 21 and we haven't had any sort of sex in almost three years (I'm embarrassed to admit that, actually). That is ALL down to him. I know that he masturbates because I've found his porn but he is so anxious around sex with me, and he has built it up so much in his head that he can't maintain an erection. I've begged him to go to the GP but he's terrified of needles/medical procedures so won't go. I've almost left over it but I don't want to.

He has a fair bit of tummy fat and he has a family history of diabetes. He insists that his issues are all anxiety/mental health induced but I wonder if there could be a testosterone-related cause.

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