grand-parenting

[strawberrychunk]

AIBU to be furious at my parents?
quick back story:
I have 7year old twins boys, my parents should pick up from school and keep for an hour or 2 around twice a weeks. My parents have no concept of healthy living and we regularly butt heads over them giving kids sweets, biscuits etc.
Back to now:
Now one twins' behaviour at school has become difficult to manage (fiddling/disturbing others/lack of focus etc)he is on report and school are talking about isolating or excluding him. I suspect ADHD, but dont want a diagnosis so am desperately looking ways to manage these 'symptoms'/ behaviours. I decided to try him on gluten/additive/preservative and colouring - free diet for a while to see if it helps as they are known causes. Told mum and Dad, asked them to not give sweets/biscuits etc just stick to natural ie fruit, veg whatever- I dont even think they need to give food as theyre only there for an hour or 2 max. Anyway, we all had a big discussion about it and agreed they would not give 'junk' anymore.
Fast-forward to today;
Just spoke to Dad on phone who said 'oh yes, forgot to tell you gave him Pizza last night' ...I asked why? to which he huffed and replied 'It's fine, it was pizza Hut'...so i explain AGAIN about gluten, additives etc then he says 'alright, alright!' in a stop being so silly tone and then rememberz 'Oh and a biscuit', I said but I thought we weren't doing that anymore, he says ' it's fine- they were Oreos' FFS!I would laugh if I weren't so pissed off by it! AIBU????

[strawberrychunk]

damn spell check! my parents *usually pick up (not should)

[greenlipstick]

If you suspect ADHD why don't you want a diagnosis?

[chipsandpeas]

Find other childcare and why don't you want to get a diagnosis

[greenlipstick]

Without that your child will miss out on help and support.

[2014newme]

Pizza and biscuits don't cause adhd.

Is there an after school club you could use instead if your parents care doesn't meet your standards?

My mother hasn't bothered to see my kids for 6 years. Your parents sound kind.

[wizzywig]

I think (op correct me if im totally wrong) op is trying to exclude any other posdible reason behind the behaviour before seeking a diagnosis

[2014newme]

You need a diagnosis so your so can get treatment and support. Without that he will end up just being labelled as naughty and you a shit parent

[xStefx]

AAH my parents drive me nuts too sometimes when it comes to my DD, I sympathise with you OP.

[strawberrychunk]

I am trying to exclude possible causes behind the behaviour thanks @wizzywig that is right. I don't use my parents as childcare, I don't actually need childcare as I have a very flexible job- they get them for the time together not to help me out. I have been able to access interventions through school without diagnosis so currently do not feel like we need one.

[strawberrychunk]

thanks xStefx !

[strawberrychunk]

a diagnosis won't stop him being labelled as the naughty kid or me as a shit parent unless I broadcast it to all parents and other kids in the school which I wouldn't do anyway.

[ZilphasHatpin]

If you suspect your son has ADHD pleas seek a diagnosis! You don't have to do anything with the diagnosis but it isn't yours, it's his he may feel when he is older that he needs more support with things and if he has to go in waiting lists to access support he could have been receiving all along then that's not fair. The diagnosis isn't for you, if you suspect then you should do the right thing by your son. If you suspected he had diabetes you wouldn't just leave it would you??

[strawberrychunk]

@zilphasHatpin a diagnosis isn't something I am ruling out but at this point I want to explore all other options first. I think learning to manage his behaviour with him will be far more beneficial long term and I don't think putting him through the process of trying to get him diagnosed will help him right now as he is so anxious and fed up of being dragged to meetings at this point

[Carolinesbeanies]

So youre self diagnosing and then demanding the world responds to your demands. YABU.
Are you so forthright with your twins or is it just your inadequate parents (who your happy to dump responsibility on twice a week). Personally, if I were your parents, Id tell you to sling your hook re childcare, or are they terrified you may get forthright about when they can then see their grandchildren?

Its 2 meals a week..... convenient for you if you can blame them for their shocking dietry influence creating your sons ADHD. Start looking at whats going the other 160 hours a week.

[SuperBeagle]

I think without a diagnosis, telling your parents he can't have x, y, z because of something he "might have" is a bit baseless and YWBU to do it.

Get your son assessed for his own sake.

[MrsTwix]

You seem to have 2 threads going.

[strawberrychunk]

@carolinesbeanies I don't dump my responsibilities on anyone, the twins love seeing grandparents and vica-verca so I encourage that. Also the kids only have meals at home not at parents but thanks for taking the time to reply to a parents post in such a supportive way- i love when women boost each other with their caring spirits.....

[StewieGMum]

Get your son diagnosed - whether this be ADHD or dietary. However, pizza doesn't cause ADHD. Gluten doesn't cause bad behaviour. It can take several years for an appropriate diagnosis to be made. It's a hell of a lot kinder to your son to get a formal diagnosis that it is for you to do as-hoc diagnosing online.

[EveGarnett]

Carolinesbeanies please read the full thread before being so rude to the OP

[StillDrivingMeBonkers]

Good radio article yesterday on gluten intolerance. You do know that removing gluten from a diet willy-nilly will store up health problems and increases the risk of cancer later in life.

ADHD is a bone fide medical complaint. But you don seem to want to seek help for it, or investigate it appropriately.

Far be it from me to judge but you seem a bit, well, "alternative"

[Carolinesbeanies]

You dont want him "labelled as a naughty kid" !!!! Perhaps he is. Get a grip. 7's a great age to start pushing boundaries and affecting how grown ups react around you.
If its ADHD he needs professional intervention and support, but to be frank, school would have flagged this up way before threatening exclusion. They dont tend to 'fail' a child first, then look for reasons second.

[strawberrychunk]

@MrsTwix I tried to edit it and it reposted....im new to this! oops also Just to add, this is all new, just started at the age of 7 and I am trying to figure out whether we think this is ADHD, anxiety or another cause.....it's early days yet and I am trying to muddle through this parenting thing like I am sure many others are. Not perfect I know but all I can do is follow my instincts. I also didn't mention the other twin is autistic (diagnosed) and I have a newborn so going through every other option with a fine tooth comb is definately not easy but I want to do the best I can

[BathshebaDarkstone]

Please get a diagnosis. DS2's school and I are fighting CAMHS for a diagnosis right now.

Having said that, if you think certain foods are triggering your DS's behaviour, then your DP should respect your wishes and not give him those foods. If he had a nut allergy, would they give him nuts?

I've cut right down on DS2's chocolate and fruit intake, as they seem to make him worse.

[ZilphasHatpin]

a diagnosis isn't something I am ruling out but at this point I want to explore all other options first.

The waiting lists are long (I'm going through this right now) get him referred and continue to rule out everything else whilst you wait. Seriously. I've been waiting a year for an autism assessment. You don't want to rule everything else out and then have to wait another year or longer after that. Get him in the list now.

[strawberrychunk]

thanks @bathshebaDarkstone I have asked for CAMHS input numerous times over the last few weeks, apparently he doesn't reach the threshold for them to even look at his case!