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Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

(268 Posts)
Brighteyes27 Tue 28-Mar-17 23:12:48

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

SaucyJack Tue 28-Mar-17 23:15:48

How long was she married to your FIL for?

highinthesky Tue 28-Mar-17 23:18:21

YANBU but at the same time MIL needs support. So do your own thing with DC and let DH keep his mum company at home. He can also make Easter lunch for everyone.

It's predicted to be a lovely warm weekend and you'll find it flies by if you make use of the garden.

Brighteyes27 Tue 28-Mar-17 23:22:28

Ages something like 30 odd years. She has three children including DH. DD lives locally. She also moved into flat with fil 3 or 4 years ago in a housing scheme so she has started to socialise with some of the other women there. So it isn't that she doesn't see anyone and she has various brother and sister in laws visit her. Plus also stayed at her DS's house about an hour away from her for a week and also a long weekend but they have a massive house so she has her own bedroom ensuite and their are three or four living areas there.

Swirlingasong Tue 28-Mar-17 23:22:34

What does your dh think? I'd be tempted to let her come as being alone at Easter would be miserable but cancel at least some of your leave so that you don't get resentful that it has all been used up with the visit.

We are in a similar situation when MiL visits (too long for me, limited things to do and no evening) and it is hard so I feel for you.

Brighteyes27 Tue 28-Mar-17 23:24:13

DH will want to come out too. The kids like more energetic things such as Fell walking, long country walks, climbing walls etc. MIL likes reading sleeping and going to garden center for coffee and cake.

TheFlyingFauxPas Tue 28-Mar-17 23:30:47

It's only march. She's lost her husband of 30 odd years in the lady what? Month? two months? Show some compassion and let the poor woman spend Easter with her family.
How do you think she'd feel if she read what you'd written about her? How would you feel if someone wrote the same about you?
What if your dh had died and you wanted to spend Easter with your son and his wife and family?

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Mar-17 23:31:22

I would either say you'd booked a surprise trip away, or that your husband and children could visit her for the day instead (if that's possible.)

It's very difficult, I know, if she's recently widowed.

wiltingfast Tue 28-Mar-17 23:33:49

Mil is actually part of your family. And she has suffered a bereavement. Plus i don't understand why you can't still do some of your own thing. Bring mil for coffee, bring kids later for hike. Meet up again at dinner. Etc.

She is one of the family, just treat her like that.

Swirlingasong Tue 28-Mar-17 23:37:30

Would she be happy to stay with you but relax at home while you all went fell walking or whatever on a couple of days? That way she would still see you all and have company but you might find it less intense.

Astro55 Tue 28-Mar-17 23:46:50

Depends on how much looking after she needs

I have lots of visitors - some want constant interaction and entertaining - son slope off for the afternoon.

It's hard when you've made plans and they are turned upside down

I don't think you are being unreasonable - you've offered the week before or after - so you disnt say a complete no!

Assuming she's retired I don't see how this would be a huge impact on her

May09Bump Tue 28-Mar-17 23:47:21

I do feel for your MIL, with the loss of DFIL - but she has been with you the month before easter and will be with you the month after. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first - if your feeling burn out (we are in the same boat). It's draining, my DH has done the london commute / long hrs for 20 yrs and I've took up the slack at home / work too - we are coming to a breaking point and I've put my foot down to say we just can't do everything.

Try and visit MIL around some downtime, but do take the time you need.

Brighteyes27 Wed 29-Mar-17 00:14:17

Thanks MIL lives 2.5-3 hours away so not really a day trip visit. DH has applied for another job 5-6 hours away as little around locally so he would be living away Mon-Fri for at least 6 months so stressing about that. I wouldn't mind as much if she asked but almost feel we have no option. She was like this when FIL was alive would ring at last minute and we were expected to change plans etc. We're all on a short fuse at the minute (or DH and myself are) and I always feel like I have to explain what I am doing all the time when she is here (as she shouts x what you doing now-emptying the washing oh, what you doing now x just taking some washing upstairs, oh, what you doing now x just going upstairs to the bathroom) and feel guilty on the rare occasions I do sit down. As soon as my bum hits the seat have you done x yet what are you doing for our tea x. I like x with it. Grrrr! I could just sleep standing up I just want to get tea made and over with I can't be arsed shopping for, looking how to cook and preparing some fancy vegetable at this time of night. I think I will maybe ask her if she will come Easter Saturday then at least we can be off together and do something on Good Friday and we will have the morning of Easter Saturday. So we won't mind too much having a lazy day on Easter Sunday and I will cancel my leave and she can go home when she wants, DH fine with it as he does his own thing and immersed himself in some unnecessary diy project or makes several visits to the tip

Casschops Wed 29-Mar-17 00:36:16

I know people are saying that your MIL IS part of your family which she is but if you haven't got enough room in your house a week it's a very long time. You need to spend time doing what you want with your annual leave. I know how it feels to have to spend my summer holiday carrying for an elderly MIL who only likes watching telly and garden centres too and it's grim especially if you are outdoor people. I am in the no camp. Could you spend an odd day visiting her or arrange a couple of days together?

Brighteyes27 Wed 29-Mar-17 07:22:44

I almost forgot about the day time TV, tea time tv and the early evening soap operas with her feet up on the couch so if we're in I can't even get gets of technology to watch a film !!! I can't put the hoover on before 10.30 so the house will be filthy again (we have a hairy dog so we really need to hoover every other day). I will no doubt be waving them off on an outing while I spend a day tidying up. She spent a week with us around Valentine's Day we spent the evening having a meal for three and sitting on the couch with her in the middle of us (asleep much of the night but staying up until 11.30/12). A two day visit to her wouldn't really work as she lives in a one bed flat her living room is tiny and stuffed to the gills with furniture cabinets and bookcase but only a two seater couch and one arm chair and very little floor space so a half hour visit with us all in the same room is hard work so we'd still be staying in a hotel so wouldn't see her that much with her complaining she hadn't seen much of us etc. And two days wouldn't really be enough for her. She wants what she wants with no compromise. DH doesn't mind whether she comes or not but he's not the one entertaining her and he wouldn't dream of saying no. I feel mean for thinking and saying all this but I just feel backed into a corner but as people have said I wouldn't like to think of her spending a long weekend all alone but don't see why it should fall to us either when her other DC's both have 5 bedroom houses but I see this happening every bank holiday. Whilst they are away every bank holiday weekend. She is retired so could visit anytime.

highinthesky Wed 29-Mar-17 07:24:12

If DH feels the same way as you then he should be the one to deliver the news.

Brighteyes27 Wed 29-Mar-17 07:32:33

DH doesn't feel the same way as me but if I suggest doing x when she visits he will want to come and won't want to sit in the house with her or go to a garden centre.
I quite often just wing it with meals on a day to day basis but find myself having to be organised and plan a menu around mil. Who has quite traditional food tastes. We often have one of my concoctions but don't often follow a recipe and most times it turns out edible she would never have beans on toast or frozen pizza etc.

Penfold007 Wed 29-Mar-17 07:38:45

Yes MIL has recently bereaved by so has DH and the rest of the family. It sounds as though your nuclear family have a lot of stress in your lives at the moment and really need some down time. Your DH needs to deal with his DM, it is perfectly reasonable to say no she can't come foe Easter. He needs to tell her that you have a weekend's fell walking planned but she can come the week before or after for a couple of days. Her other children are entitled to Easter off and so is DH.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 29-Mar-17 07:45:06

Can you leave her at home to cook the meal? That way you go out and enjoy yourselves and she gets to feel useful? All the fretting and asking have you done x and y yet is perhaps because she'd like to do it herself but can't as it would be too fretful. She can peel veg while sitting on the sofa for example and do it at her leisure. What I'm saying is to find creative ways to get her to fit in with you.

Adsss Wed 29-Mar-17 07:45:43

If it was your mum what would you do? If your DH said what you have above , would you let him have his way or insist that she could stay? Role reverse for a second then decide together, although I suspect this is one of those few times when one partners needs trump the other's wants. If so ,move your days off so you don't resent taking them . Remind him that he needs to be the main host for the visit. Then do your best to have a lovely break with her.
You say you weren't first choice of relation for her to stay with. Perhaps she is being considerate of the situation and had tried the easier options first and the fact she had seen her son recently. , but when it came down to it she needs family support? Just a thought...

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 29-Mar-17 07:47:54

And if you'd rather it was the following weekend because of the children going stir crazy, put her off and do it then instead. She needs some flexibility. My stepdad died two weeks ago and my mother would be flexible, she lives a fair drive away and stays. But can be very needy too. She was married for 26 years. Life is a difficult to balance, isn't it?

Astro55 Wed 29-Mar-17 07:48:52

Your DH doesn't mind because he isn't affected by her visit by the sound of it! Your running around after her and he's just doing his own thing!

He needs to step up and give you some down time while he entertains or you need to be unavailable so he has to deal with her.

DH you can cook Saturday and do the washing and take her out in the afternoons

AromatAddict Wed 29-Mar-17 07:50:04

SIL was ready with an answer when she answered the phone that day wasn't she? grin I can see both sides but you have to take care not to set a precedent here OP. If you are not careful this will be the norm for MIL's Easter year in and year out.

Crunchybadger Wed 29-Mar-17 07:51:29

Your elderly slightly tricky MIL visits and DH avoids/abdicates responsibility? He does his own thing, and doesn't want to MIL-sit while you entertain the kids?

You have a DH problem. Push responsibility back onto him. Make it clear that if he invites her, he amuses her, he cooks.

At the moment, he won't say no to her because her visiting doesn't impact his life but makes yours difficult. He needs to step up and not leave it to you.

highinthesky Wed 29-Mar-17 07:52:19

So now we get to the crux of the matter. DH cannot have it all ways.

If his DM comes to stay, he should also be the one to make some sacrifices. Insist on this - he keeps up with her demands and misses out on family time as a consequence - and he might think twice about "not minding". It's a hard lesson to dish up when he is bereaved and stressed, but if you don't do it now you'll find precious family weekends very scarce in future.

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