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To find her jokes about me offensive

(193 Posts)
isitreallyjoking Tue 28-Mar-17 21:35:42

Just to lessen any confusion I will say now that DW and I are both women.

DW has a cousin who is also her very close friend. Cousin has a habit of saying things about me which I find offensive but she always says are jokes or sometimes advice. For example she will say oh God why are you wearing that or if you just spent 20 more minutes on your hair it would probably look half decent and lots of jokes about how I'm punching above my weight with DW. She also quite frequently says no offense but ... usually followed by something a bit offensive , like no offense but my granddad would wear those shoes.

I find these quite offensive however DW and her family tell me it's just how she is and she is like that with everyone.
But whilst she may make one or two comments about others at an event she always makes at least 8 or 9 about me. Once or twice DW or I have pulled her up on it but she shrugs it off as she was only joking and I need to learn to take a joke.
We only see her in person about 5 times a year and DW is close to her so I tend to just try and ignore it.

On Sunday we all went out to dinner for DW aunts birthday (cousins mum). Most people were drinking quite a bit including cousin. So cousin had already made her usual comments about my outfit/appearance. Everyone was sat around the table waiting for food including DW and our DCs and a conversation started up about mothers day and how people celebrate. One of the guest said they thought it was commercialised.

Cousin then pointed at me and said I bet you think it's commercialised how did you used to celebrate it with your mum.
My mum died when I was in primary school so I don't really remember celebrating with her.
However people quite do sometimes forget my mum died when I was young so I just assumed cousin had.
I told cousin that I don't remember what I did with my mum.
Cousin said oh my God I can't believe you don't remember what you did with your own mum how could you forget.
Aunt then whispered to cousin I didn't hear but I assume she reminded her that my mum died when I was young.
Cousin then said oh God yes sorry though I guess that explains why you are the manly one. Everyone was completely silent which was really awkward.
Cousin then said come on I was only joking, because she had no mum she never learnt how to be a mum or a women herself that was the joke. See its funny now I've explained it to you. Cousin then sighed and said God you need a sense of humour and walked off laughing to herself.

The food came shortly afterwards and everyone ate and cousin came back and everyone was joking with her and it was forgotten. As soon as we ate I told DW I wanted to leave. She agreed and we didn't speak to cousin again. We said goodbye to everyone else and no one mentioned it.

We got home and I told DW that I was upset about the comments. She agreed they were mean and she messaged cousin to ask her to apologise.

Cousin messaged DW today and said she was sorry if I was upset but she had been drinking and it was just a joke and everyone else didn't think it was a big deal.

DW thinks that she was drinking and has just made a bad joke and its all ok now because she apologised. I think she wants me to just forget about it. But I don't think it was a funny joke and I don't think she meant her apology. I am still a bit upset about it but everyone else seems to think I should just accept it was a joke.

So AIBU to think that her jokes are just offensive or should I just accept that it's a joke and go along with it.

ethelfleda Tue 28-Mar-17 21:38:27

YANBU - she sounds like an utter twat. That is not funny.

Mu123 Tue 28-Mar-17 21:39:46

YANBU She sounds like a right dick

TheWhiteRoseOfYork Tue 28-Mar-17 21:40:20

It was a horrible thing to say, and not at all funny. I would not be able to forget it in your position. Your DW can do what she likes but I would be telling her that I personally do not want to see the cousin again.

Floridasunset Tue 28-Mar-17 21:40:39

She sounds awful. Even if she thinks they are harmless jokes, you have said that you're offended therefore she should stop. As any decent person would.
I wouldn't find them funny either

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Mar-17 21:40:52

Your wife doesn't have your back, does she?

Her cousin is very, very offensive. She knows she is and your wife knows she is.

Are you happily married? I would hate to be married to someone who didn't have my back.

Happyandhungry Tue 28-Mar-17 21:41:41

You need to stand up for yourself when she does it these things. As soon as the first inappropriate comment comes out her mouth give her a very direct "I do not want to hear anything else from you directed at me for the rest of the day" or something else to publicly shame her and/or make her realise it is NOT a joke. How you kept your cool I do not know! I would go NC with her completely and I would expect your DW to back you up on this one OP.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 28-Mar-17 21:43:09

That wasn't a genuine apology because she's not sorry. I would decline to see her again.

luckylucky24 Tue 28-Mar-17 21:43:41

I think I would stop engaging in conversations with her. A polite "hello" and move away if possible. If you have to stay and listen to her comments I would just repeat "thanks for letting me know/thanks for sharing".
It really gets on peoples nerves so she may stop.
Example "My Grandad would wear those shoes"
"Thanks for letting me know"

"If you spent more time on your hair it would look okay"
"Thanks for letting me know".

Say it with a smile. She will get the message.

Rainydayspending Tue 28-Mar-17 21:43:48

It's not a joke. She's a shallow (clothes appearance etc) bitch who possibly resents you having your loving relationship with her best friend?
Quite frankly it doesn't matter what her problem is because she's not a nice person. Noone is joking when they say 'no offence' they're being nasty.
You need to either avoid contact with her or start outlining her rudeness every single time.

Gingernaut Tue 28-Mar-17 21:44:48

Anyone who starts off with "No offence, but...." knows that they will offend.

She's a bully using "It was a joke! I didn't mean any harm!" to get out of apologising properly.


She's a spiteful cow.

BrutusMcDogface Tue 28-Mar-17 21:44:56

Imperial is right. Your wife needs to stand up for you. Her cousin is a dick.

laureywilliams Tue 28-Mar-17 21:45:26

Cousin is a cow

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 28-Mar-17 21:46:03

She sounds horrible. But your partner doesn't seem to care about how it's left you feeling, and that's much worse. If she doesn't support you over something this clear cut, then I hope she's more supportive over any big challenges you'd face.

Fauxgina Tue 28-Mar-17 21:47:11

She sounds like a truly horrible person and I would be so upset to not be supported more by my wife.

I'd spend as little time in her company as possible.

AmysTiara Tue 28-Mar-17 21:47:40

Cousin is nasty and your wife isn't much better

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 28-Mar-17 21:48:22

But if you can resist stating 'no offense, but you're a bitch. Joke.' Every time she opens her mouth in your direction you're a better woman then me. Hope your DW steps up.

Notwhatiexpected Tue 28-Mar-17 21:50:58

She sounds awful. Sorry you have someone like that in your life. flowers

MortalEnemy Tue 28-Mar-17 21:51:02

She's a disgusting homophobe, and thick as the proverbial pigswill with it. The homophobic 'wisecrack' about your mother is unforgivable. If I were your wife I would have eviscerated her. Why is she so unconcerned about these continual attacks?

If you decide to kill the cousin, let me know, and I'll come with you and hold your coat.

Astro55 Tue 28-Mar-17 21:51:12

God how awful!

Fancy realising your mum died when you were little and then continuing to be 'funny'

I would've walked earlier or said something back! Repeat what she says.

I agree she's a bully probably always has been -

MaudLyn Tue 28-Mar-17 21:51:59

YANBU. She's a cunt.

woodhill Tue 28-Mar-17 21:52:04

It's always at someone else's expense though. Yanbu.

I used to work with someone like that who didn't like it if you made jokes back about them.

Meekonsandwich Tue 28-Mar-17 21:53:20

She is a prize dick.

That's disgusting, making a joke out of your mother's death.

I would want to cut all contact to be honest you don't need that shit from her.

Mumzypopz Tue 28-Mar-17 21:53:23

Next time she criticizes your hair/clothes/shoes, just say " take you've never looked in the mirror" ...See if she finds it so funny then.

BitchPeas Tue 28-Mar-17 21:54:56

She's an utter cunt. And your DW needs to have you back a lot more. I would not tolerate a member of my family speaking to DH like that.

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