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People who don't realise that you plan around what they say....

(25 Posts)
blackteasplease Tue 28-Mar-17 18:36:04

A general moaning thread inspired by many threads.

STBXH is one of the worst culprits, which is one of the reasons he is stbx. Always wants to keep options open. Out when he says he'll be there and there when he says he won't be...

I've had friends like this from time to time too.Don't realise that if you put a day or weekend (or evening or whatever) aside to be with them, you have probably given up chance to do something else etc.

Any good stories about people like this?

Pseudonym99 Tue 28-Mar-17 19:04:43

Having you told them? Perhaps they think you are just making small talk rather than making a definite arrangement? Are you making it clear to them that you are making arrangements around what they are telling you?

Wolfiefan Tue 28-Mar-17 19:05:34

I bloody hate people like this. And I seem to know a lot of them.

Thegirlinthefireplace Tue 28-Mar-17 19:12:09

I know a few like this and I just take a "if you can't beat them join them" approach. Normally I am one to stick to plans no matter what but with a proven flake if I make plans and then can't be arsed or something better comes up I will flake myself without guilt because if the arrangement is loose for them, then I'll keep it loose for me.

shitgibbon Tue 28-Mar-17 19:33:06

I'm one of those people who doesn't plan. I will schedule things with friends and I will stick to that and show up, but otherwise I don't plan my days ahead of time bar attending appointments etc.

I might say I'll be out all day Saturday but when Saturday comes around and feel like spending the day at home then I'll spend the day at home. If it doesn't directly affect someone else then it shouldn't be a problem.

CigarsofthePharoahs Tue 28-Mar-17 19:37:23

I have known people like this. It is frustrating.
Its not so much that its a casual mention of something, but when someone definitely says they're doing X on Y day and it would be great if you could be there....
Only to find out very last minute they've changed their mind. It doesn't occur to them that you've said no to other things on the same day, or shifted round things you usually do.
Nah, they don't care.
I can imagine being married to someone like that is a very frustrating existence.

TinselTwins Tue 28-Mar-17 19:40:03

some people who are like this are worth it for other reasons/characteristics, but I make sure to only make plans with them that are "tag ons" - i.e. I'll arrange to see them somewhere I am going anyway with or without them so that my plans aren't dependant on them turning up.

ExplodedCloud Tue 28-Mar-17 19:41:02

I know one in particular and she let me down on a significant day. She'd suggested the whole bloody thing on that particular date and blew us out at 9.30am as I was getting ready to leave with a change of plan that she'd left already for. I was very hurt and now I assume she will flake every time. I like her but she seems to think she's a free spirit who follows her whims hmm

Laiste Tue 28-Mar-17 19:49:24

I agree it's rude to make proper arrangements and then cancel on a whim.

However, i admit that there are certain people with whom i am stubbornly 'vague' with. Vague with info about myself. Vague about when i'm going to be in or where i'm going to go, ect. It's normally because they have a tendency either to 'latch on' uninvited, or to try an organise your time for you around them.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus Tue 28-Mar-17 19:53:52

Yanbu. DH 's family are like this and it's infuriating. You make a plan, stick to it only to find they've decided to do something else without telling you. Grrr (think this thread has hit a nerve! )

Maxandrubyrubyandmax Tue 28-Mar-17 19:58:26

Ooh I know a couple. One I now assume will back out of plans I'm normally one of those oncecwe have made arrangements I stick to them people. Now I don't even think twice about backing out on her if it's more convenient not to go.

pandapop17 Tue 28-Mar-17 20:08:22

YADNBU I hate this kind of thing. I have friend who does this and also refuses to make plans in advance. If you ask her to do something more than a couple of weeks away she says "I don't know what I'll be doing then, I can't think that far ahead ". Well write it in your diary and then you will know!

SquinkiesRule Tue 28-Mar-17 20:49:33

Yeah I've met some of those "free spirit go where the wind blows" types. I wasn't friends very long.
Cancel on me once I can see, cancel as something better comes along, you can fuck right off and don't come back, I hear the far side of fuck is the place for them.
My time is just as precious and important as theirs. I make a plan with you I stick to it unless I break my legs or crsh the car and can't phyically move.
Loyalty and reliability are important to me.

TinselTwins Tue 28-Mar-17 21:46:42

oooo sqinkies I HATE "free spirit" types. Their "freeness" almost always inconveniences others and makes those around them less free and poorer as they're usually shameless scroungers as well as takers Their idea of friendship is blowing in whenever there's something you can do for them but they won't put themselves out to return the favour, although they will sometimes make a big performance of doing something for you that suits them and make a big thing of virtue signalling what a good friend they are for doing it!

TinselTwins Tue 28-Mar-17 21:48:47

Like "I'm going to take you to my favourite place for a late birthday present"
4 months after your birthday
when it's not your thing
and you have to drive you both there and they don't chip in for petrol
and you split the bill when you get there

but they treated you to sharing their special place with you hmm because they needed a lift

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Tue 28-Mar-17 21:51:49

I've got a friend like this. She would sometimes text at the last minute to change or cancel plans. I just think she's oblivious to the staggering rudeness of it. It does make you feel like second best after a while. Like she's got a better offer. I've done it to her once or twice now and she's not so bad now so perhaps she got it.

thatorchidmoment Tue 28-Mar-17 22:13:02

I have a sister like this. She will double or triple book herself as she seems incapable of using a calendar, then flake on the less interesting options.

She has no children and tries to make grandiose plans for meeting up (we live 150 miles away, have three children, eldest is in school and DH has complicated rotas that need advance warning to plan leave). She gets very snotty and aggrieved if we can't just drop our lives to go and do her expensive activity which is entirely unsuitable for young children!

Mind you, she is a moody cow when we do manage to meet up and manages to create much drama at any given chance. It's amazing how these fraught interactions end up documented on Instagram with a filter and a gushing caption about what a wonderful time she had with family and niece/nephews! Clearly my perceptions are totally wonky...

Sorry to derail thread. As you were.

Whosafraidofabigduckfart Tue 28-Mar-17 22:21:32

DH had a friend like that - didn't turn up at our wedding (with his wife) and never even texted sorry - let his mother apologise for him the following day. Still waiting for that apology.

He emigrated to Australia (and back 3 times - didn't realise how hot it would be 😜 the first time)

Last time wife and kids stayed here and he trotted back by himself

dobbythedoggy Tue 28-Mar-17 22:58:21

My in laws are awful for this.

Make plans with us and don't turn up or turn up very late and get offended by the fact no one is there waiting for them as they have gone home or got on with what was orginally planed, don't always carry their phones and can't be relied on to answer them.

Attempt to change plans at the last minute to something completely diffrent to what they agreed to. Dd is a winter birthday and we live near the coast, we decided to go to a local seaside town for fish and chips to celebrate her first birthday. Invited in laws along as mil and fil both off work that day. Day of birthday mil calls dh to try and insist we change plans as it's windy and raining. Dh says no we've planned x. Then trys to pin us down to when we'll be back so she could see dd. Second birthday invite issued declined by text as we were due to meet them. Third and fourth birthday no invite made.

Make plans for us and don't even tell us and get very upset when we are all unable to come. Move times of family gatherings so really impractical with small children, family bbq at 2 becomes bbq at 8. Decide to come visit and send message via bil the day before and be upset we already have plans as they have planed to visit 2 weeks before hand! And can only possiably visit when they know we are busy.

The up shot being they are never considered for baby sitting as will likely make the entire thing stressful and cancel without notice. My parents are lucky to have flexibility in work so can cover hospital appointments we both need to attend. Get invited to very little and never just personal invites. Have a granddaughter who raves about granny and granddad but questions if nanny will follow through (with the very few plans we let slip) and doesn't know who her other granddad really is.

Ds has been a poorly baby so I have flaked on more than my fair share of plans. I make it clear to friends I do want to do things with them but that I can't be counted on to be there as planed even if things are arranged around me so not to do something just for me. Very lucky to have a few very under standing friends.

OwlinaTree Tue 28-Mar-17 23:07:13

Texting had made this worse. It's so much easier to cancel on someone without having to actually speak to them.

TinselTwins Tue 28-Mar-17 23:12:23

"Texting had made this worse. It's so much easier to cancel on someone without having to actually speak to them."

yup, also for last min cancellations. Before mobiles you'ld be in the shit for leaving someone standing there waiting for ages, but now it's okay, even if you were on your way there, so long as they've "let you know" by the meeting time hmm

DramaQueenofHighCs Tue 28-Mar-17 23:40:12

DS's School is like this! Puts events on the school calendar in advance on the newsletter then changes the date of them once you've already booked time off work etc.
Trouble is, if you were to wait until you got the official letter you would probably be too late to get time off work as is usually a week and a half (if you are lucky as sometimes a week, if you are VERY lucky 2 weeks) in advance of the event. Pisses DH and I off no end and has meant we have missed out on quite a few parent events that we could otherwise have attended and also wasted holiday days.
It's a shame cos it's a great school otherwise.

Stormtreader Wed 29-Mar-17 10:14:27

I have friends like this - we all talked about going to an event, I got my ticket, and then later was told "oh we never made a firm plan, we're doing something else now".

I still have no idea what magic sequence of words constitutes "a firm plan".

nicelymakingway Wed 29-Mar-17 11:16:41

Stop planning around what they say, make your own plans unilaterally (as you are entitled to do) and see how they like them apples. Two can play....and so on.

halcyondays Wed 29-Mar-17 11:21:21

I hate when people come up with vague plans of doing such and such on Saturday, but no actual time is given, so you have to chase them up to find out if it's actually happening and what time.

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