Rude guest or rude host?

[njfhow]

So my brother lives many hours' drive away in Scotland. He works a job which requires night shifts, weekends etc. He is married and 2 DC (8 and 10). We (me, DH and 3 DC) are visiting Scotland for another reason and have something organised during the week so try to take the chance to see him and his family (bearing in mind we haven't seen each other since Xmas 2015). We only have the option of two possible weekends so we suggest a visit either at the beginning or the end of the week we are visiting.

Brother says great, I will arrange shifts etc and have time to see you on X weekend. Come and stay with us (they do have large house). So we arrange plans around that weekend being with brother.

Fast forward and two days before we head off, I message sister-in-law to ask if there is anything we should bring etc and we hope to arrive about 5pm on the Friday. SIL replies that they will not be home as DB is working Friday night shift but is off rest of weekend. She and the DC have sports club and not home until 8pm. They have no food in so we will have to manage with a sandwich.

No problems I say, we will arrive 8:30pm and will have a meal before we arrive so we don't need food Friday night.

SIL then replies - oh by the way we will need you out of the house on Saturday morning as she is working from home and has customers coming to the house and it would be best if everyone out of the way. Can we be up and "go for a walk or something" at about 8:30am till 11:30am. Brother will be asleep and their 2 DC will be going to sports club competition at 8am getting lift from friend.

At this point I think WTF? Speak to DH and he says he is not up for that and we will stay in local hotel for a night and come to them lunchtime Saturday.

So I message back saying change of plan we will come lunchtime Saturday. Which we do. Hardly any food in house so we all eat out and of course we offer to pay. No beds made for us or DC so we make our own. But we get on with it no problem and fairly enjoyable evening. Sunday morning their DC have yet another sports club so we decide to cut our losses and head off as long journey ahead.

I was a bit disappointed to be honest but never mind I think we have done our best and made an effort and a shame we didn't get to see very much of DB and his DC but was nice to catch up on the Saturday evening.

Just spoken to my Mum on the phone and she is saying how upset my DB is about how we wouldn't put ourselves out to stay on the Friday night and how he couldn't believe we would rather stay in hotel and how rude we were for doing that. Was it rude?

[witsender]

Perhaps DB didn't speak to his wife about inviting guests, and this was her way of telling you?

[beautiebyqueenie]

I get the feeling DB doesn't realise how unaccommodating SIL was...she definitely seems the rude one. And you would have thought she would keep their kids home on one of the mornings so they and your kids could spend time together!

[Sciurus83]

YANBU, did your brother know SIL had put those restrictions on you?

[blackteasplease]

I have a feeling this might be about the DB not running things by his DW.

[blackteasplease]

And her not telling him about the restrictions she had stipulated in her turn.

[Asmoto]

You were trying to make things easier for them, so no, it wasn't rude to stay in a hotel. They clearly lead busy lives, which is understandable, but it doesn't sound as though they went out of their way to make you feel welcome even allowing for their other commitments. I'd have expected the beds made up and for the cost of the meal out at least to be split between you.

[Spadequeen]

Pick up the phone and talk to your brother!

[rollonthesummer]

Have you explained all this to your mum and brother?

[CoraPirbright]

I would be straight on the phone to your DB to let him know exactly what your SIL had said and that you were simply trying to not make a nuisance of yourselves by going to the hotel etc. I think he will get the point that his wife was incredibly rude, selfish and unwelcoming.

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

Sounds like only one of them actually wanted you all to visit. .

[honeylulu]

Your SIL is rude and your brother sounds clueless. I also suspect your brother hadn't consulted her and didn't give any thought to food and bedding and she was making a passive aggressive stand.
Was your brother actually aware that she gave you orders to leave the house on Saturday morning despite the fact that he would be cosily slumbering in bed?

[Whocansay]

They were rude. Massively. They were totally unwelcoming.

[Hissy]

Pick up the phone and call your brother.
I think he doesn't know the half of it.

[GotToGetMyFingerOut]

No you weren't rude. She was. I'd contact him by phone call to be honest and just say I spoke to mum and I'm sorry if you thought we were rude we were just trying not to put you out by staying when x said shed need us out 8.30-11.30 due to work and that would also allow you to sleep in peace after your night shift. Being rude was never out intention.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I wouldn't pull my kids out of their sports activities as presumably they sre members of eg a football team. I would however ask uncle and auntie if they wanted yo come to watch.

I think it was a case of your DB announcing you were coming without a discussion with SIL and her leaving him to deal with it hence no beds made up etc.

Personally I would have made up beds, let you stay all weekend but let you know I'd be with client without chucking you out but I would not cancel sports activities.

[bluefeathers]

Very very rude host - your SIL should have done everything she could to accommodate you even if she wasn't fully briefed by DH. Her behaviour was appalling!!!

[museumum]

Send him a message to point out that the hotel at least didn't chuck you out for three hours at 8:30am!

[Astro55]

Wow they are rude!! Seriously speak to your brother and ask how he would've liked it?

Very rude!!

[Butterymuffin]

Definitely speak to your brother (although not sure when given his shifts: can you text some of it?) Sounds like he has been given a 'they flounced off to a hotel' story by his wife. Although I'm not as inclined as others to absolve him of responsibility for that. He should have had some involvement with plans for his family, and I would have thought he would try to get up earlier on the Saturday as a one off since he had family coming.

[Littlecaf]

A bit rude but sounds like it was convenient for him but not for her! Speak to each other and sort it rather than through your mum.

[littlefrog3]

Very rude and unwelcoming. I would not be going.

Bet they make you take your shoes off before entering their home too!

Yes, they sound THAT obnoxious!

[stiffstink]

The not having food is in really rude - she was basically saying that she wouldn't even be showing you where the cereal is!

[LadyMaryofDownt0n]

You haven't seen each other since 2015?! I would say They don't like you & you haven't taken the hint. You should have stayed in a hotel both nights and met for dinner/lunch went about your business.

[ohfourfoxache]

Send your brother the messages between you and SIL - they say it all.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

How bloody rude. I wouldn't make the effort again.