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To feel horrendous about the prospect of having to meet my DM's new partner?

(18 Posts)
Bellabooboo Tue 28-Mar-17 14:25:38

This is a long story but 11 months ago my DF suddenly died. It was a heart wrenching time for all of us especially DM. They were married for 35 years.

DM has met someone online and the concept of meeting someone new is something I support. The concern I have is that they are already after 6 weeks of meeting are in each others pockets and he is a well known womaniser (My DMs friends told me that they are concerned and gave that description of him without my prompting). He repeatedly says to my DM 'I know I've been a naughty, naught boy' so is probably aware of his reputation. There are so many red flags about him- he is NC with one of his children and appears to keep in good contact with a number of people that he's had relationships with in the past. DM turned up to stay at his house the other night and found a woman there who cleans for him but that he had a relationship with in the past (20 years ago). she went on to tell DM that he had a series of bad relationships and showed him a picture of something that previous live in girlfriends have scribed their names and dates they were with him on.

DM seems very impressed with him and says things like 'He's from a very good family' and 'he's got a lot of money'. When I expressed concern about his reputation, she said 'if anything Im not good enough for him!' (their backgrounds are polar opposites ). She also says things like 'He is a man who does not take no for an answer!' 'he is used to getting what he wants, he's in business after all'. He invited her on holiday and she declined saying she had too much on (she is a carer for my grandmother and helps me with my DC) but 2 weeks later she said he insisted on taking her away and they are booked to leave. Unfortunately this trip is due to take place from the day after my DF's first anniversary which is another matter I am upset about as DM and I had talked about doing something that weekend.

I've told my DM to be careful and she retiterates he's 'nothing serious' and i know she is talking to other people online. However I am not sure he would agree, he said to her he was removing his profile (she made me check and he's just taken his pictures off and seems to log in regularly) and he's told her he's a 'one woman man'.

I am just so worried he's a controlling man and that he will manipulative my DM who is quite vulnerable...or perhaps i am the one who'se being controlling and I need to but out? DM says I need to meet him before I make a judgment but I just can't stand the thought of meeting him, the thought of it just gives me a lump in my throat and is just too over whelming.

DH says that he is also concerned as my DM is saying one thing but doing another and agrees she is impressionable and vulnerable thought he says I should just let her get on with it and make her own mistakes. Thinking about it, I don't think I have much choice but to see her broken hearted again would be awful.


JonesyAndTheSalad Tue 28-Mar-17 15:33:18

Can I ask how old your Mum is?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 15:38:44

"Friends close but enemies closer"
Meet him, make him aware you are an important figure in dms life. Seeing them together often will likely give you a bigger picture of who he is. Keeping away will be exactly what he wants if he isn't genuine.

Purplepicnic Tue 28-Mar-17 15:43:27

I think you have to let her get on with it. She won't listen to you and all you'll do is drive a wedge and push her further towards him. I would be super nice and accommodating actually.

Sorry about your dad.

Doyouwantabrew Tue 28-Mar-17 15:44:45

Not a lot you can do but I would meet him as wish says abc make your own judgments here and ignite your mind friends etc.

Avoid criticising him to your dm and just be there to help pick up any peices.

Sorry to say this op as you are grieving your dad but your mum may just want a bit of fun and no strings sex and it may not go any further than that.

helping you with your children and being a carer coupled with her loss might make your mum yearn for a bit of light relief and fun. He might offer her that for now.

Doyouwantabrew Tue 28-Mar-17 15:45:37

Ignore your mums friends not ignite!!!

BestZebbie Tue 28-Mar-17 15:48:16

Do you think that you feel bad about meeting him entirely because of what he is like, or partly because he isn't your DF?
It would be completely reasonable to find that step triggering, even if you support your DM dating in principle.

Bellabooboo Tue 28-Mar-17 16:25:18

Hi. DM is 57 and met DF when she was 18.

I also have been upset that she took down my DFs photos when he stayed over night as she felt uncomfortable. Am I being precious? Am I being precious about her going the day after the anniversary of DFs death? or do i need to get a grip?

Bestzebbie- I can't answer that, part of me feels Id have a problem with anyone but the other thinks he's controlling DM and getting his feet under the table and he's full of his own importance- he seems to brag a bit to my DM about the money he's spent on his business etc.

Bellabooboo Tue 28-Mar-17 16:26:42

Doyouwantabrew- I wish it was just sex but if she's not with me, she seems to be at his and he's met my grandma too as my dm decided to take her to his local pub for lunch and they 'bumped into' him.

DM is quite impressionable and I think a bit gullible. She's got form for rushing into things head on.

JonesyAndTheSalad Tue 28-Mar-17 16:30:47

Your Mum is ten years older than me. OP she has to make her own choices and her own mistakes. If you'd said she was 86 then I might have agreed you needed to step in in some way.

YANBU to be concerned but there's nothing you can do.

RatherBeRiding Tue 28-Mar-17 16:41:13

There's little you can do - she's a grown woman and you can't stop her. I too would have reservations, lots of them, and he doesn't sound ideal at all I'm afraid - but honestly, there's little you can do except be there for her and pick up any pieces.

In your shoes I would grit my teeth and meet him, if only - as someone said above - to let him know that you are an important person in your DM's life, and someone she listens to.

Having met him, if you are still getting a bad feeling then urge her to be cautious and tell her why. Probably won't stop her but at least you will know you've done the best you can.

Doyouwantabrew Tue 28-Mar-17 16:48:56

I understand op it's hard. You obviously are still grieving and of course so is your mum.

I am 7 years younger than your mother and I too met dh at 18.

I think she's feeling the first flush of fancying another man and of being wanted sexually and being a sexy woman. Just because she's introducing him to her family doesn't mean it will last.

And maybe when you meet him you will actually he pleasently suprised. You owe it to your mum to at least meet him and judge for yourself.

There's.not a book for how to act after a bereavement either. If your dm has had a partner all her adult life it's not surprising she wants to replace that camaraderie and doesn't like being alone.

Try not to see her as vulnerable or needy as that might be your impression and your need to protect her. You sound a lovejy daughter flowers

Bellabooboo Tue 28-Mar-17 17:00:43

Thank you very much.

She (and I) have been so much I feel like I should do all I can to reduce any heart ache or mistakes. Im scared of losing my DM too. Really really miss my DF :-( Spent the day in tears today thinking might also be a bit hormonal.

Bellabooboo Tue 28-Mar-17 17:01:35

through so much. I have tried my best to support her, unfortunately I was 5 months pregnant when DF died so felt I couldn't help her as much as I would have liked to.

Doyouwantabrew Tue 28-Mar-17 17:07:01

Of course you do and your worry about your mum is completely understandable snd shows your mum and dad did a good job raising you.

Be kind to yourself and you most certainly haven't neglected your mum and so forced her to look elsewhere for suppprt!!! That's mad. She may just be coping and having some light fun and helping herself to grieve.

You concentrate on yourself a bit op snd take your time to get to know him. Of course he will never be your dad and he may not be with your mum for long but give him a chance and try to judge him for himself. flowers

Bellabooboo Tue 28-Mar-17 18:28:26

Thank you Doyouwantabrew. I did everything from reading my DF's eulogy, arranging the funeral, probate and arranging finances for her but then I was useless when I had DD2. I do want her to be happy but i want the best for her.

Somerville Tue 28-Mar-17 20:14:29

I think it's really important to try to separate out your feelings about this man because of what you've heard/your concerns about your mum, and your feelings about your dad. The first is a very real concern and I'd advise you not to say anything so negative that it alienates her, keep her talking, and keep encouraging her to talk to other men too/have a wider social life/do things with you and the kids, etc.
Whereas, while this situation might be exacerbating your grief about your father, try to keep that aspect separate and seek support from your partner, friends or even a grief counsellor.

Specifically on the timing of the trip away the day after the anniversary: It would seek a huge coincidence. I suspect either he planned it as a distraction, or she took him up on it because the timing will be a good distraction. She's around on the anniversary itself and I would focus on seeing her that day, and supporting each other. Maybe she will indeed want the distraction afterwards of going away on holiday. Or maybe she'll want longer to wallow - there isn't a right way to grieve and it's very personal. You need to take the approach that works for you, and respect it if hers is different, as hard as that is. flowers

I hope you know that on dating, your DM is in no way 'moving on' from your father. She's keeping on going, and finding distractions from the grief and loneliness. I was widowed younger than her so had the distraction of dependant children and learning how to be a single parent, and was still incredibly lonely, but widows I've met in their late 50's often seem particularly lonely - no dependant children yet too young to ah e friends in the same boat. It must be tough for her. (I've also got a friend whose lonely widowed parent is with her almost 24/7 and is driving her barmy - it's a lot of pressure to have a lonely parent.)

Anyway, hopefully that's been a bit helpful. Personally I think it's sensible of you to keep an eye out for her, since she's so recently bereaved and you've heard dodgy things about this fellow, but be careful how you approach it with her.

Bellabooboo Tue 28-Mar-17 20:48:04

Thank you Somerville, that is really helpful actually. You are so right, those two things are interlocking- my concerns about him and also the loss of my DF.

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