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To ask those with 50/50 residency...

(27 Posts)
Chipshopninja Tue 28-Mar-17 09:25:46 do you manage it?

Me and my partner may be seperating. We have one DD age 6.

If we split we will probably go for 50/50 residency.

For those of you who have this arrangement can I ask...

How do you cope not seeing your children everyday?

How do your children cope with it?

How do you split the time?

Any advice on how to make it easier for DD if we do separate?

Carolinesbeanies Tue 28-Mar-17 12:16:23

The biggest question is, is it practical? Whilst clearly in the name of fairness a 50/50 split would be ideal for all concerned, the practicalities may dictate otherwise.

I can only assume therefore, you both have similar life/work demands, and will both live within a reasonable distance. If so, then the 5, 5, 2, 2, arrangement is the fairest of all. You have 5 days each then 2 days each, which means the rota works on a 2 week basis ensuring you both get the fair share of weekend hours and the fair share of weekday school/childminding responsibilities.

Takes a huge amount of grown up negotiating to set up, but once done, its good. Its also not quite as chaotic as it sounds as clearly the school and/or childminder remains constant, its just which parent is collecting/dropping that changes.

Theres nothing to stop you sorting this out yourselves, so Id urge you to try your best to agree.

What I have found in my job though is, so many mums become reliant on child maintenance/tax credits that the whole 'split' time discussion gets thrown out at the first hurdle due to finances. Its mums who then tend to dictate who has the lions share, and its directiy linked to finances and housing.

Chipshopninja Tue 28-Mar-17 12:55:18

Thanks Caroline

Practical? No not really. He works full time so on his days it would have to be before or after school club. Doesn't feel fair to DD

TheKrakenSmith Tue 28-Mar-17 13:07:14

I can't say anything about practicality, but when i was with mum i went to breakfast club and i had to go to after school club with dad. I think her being with both parents is important, it was fantastic for me and my sister. I was a baby when they split so I've never known any difference, but the biggest thing for me was the flexibility and kindness my parents showed each other. It wasn't strictly 50/50 and i went where i wanted whenever by the time i was a teenager anyway. There was always flexibility though and my mum and dad were always outwardly kind to each other. Hope that helps some! I will say, i have a far better relationship with both parents compared to some of my friends with divorced parents, i believe, at least in part, due to this.

May50 Tue 28-Mar-17 13:08:31

Hi Chipshop - why are you planning on going 50/50 - is this your partner's idea, stating it would be fairer? It doesn't sound like you feel the same - your partner works full-time, do you work part-time or around school hours? When I divorced my husband we did every other weekend fri pm - sun pm, and then a wed overnight with pick up from school and direct drop back to school thurs am. This worked really well for us, and I feel worked well for the children. I think this was the standard years back, but now the standard seems to be 50/50 - but is that best for the children? I think if you do go 50/50 then best to keep the same day at same home (for activities and consistency) so Mon Tues at Mum's, Wed Thurs at Dad's and then alternate Fri - Sun - then everyone gets a weekend every other weekend (so that'd be the 5,5,2,2 that Caroline suggests I think)

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Tue 28-Mar-17 13:10:24

When my parents split it was initially 50:50 and was total pita with having to lug all important possessions to another house every week. After a few months I asked to just stay with my dad, and that is what happened.

(I have an "interesting" relationship with my mum, so I'm not sure how useful my anecdote is)

SomethingBorrowed Tue 28-Mar-17 13:18:34

My DSis has a 50:50 with her ex. It works fine for them, DNiece (6) seem fine with it.
They do one week each Mon-Fri.
DN goes to the same school all the time.

They define a yearly schedule: one parents gets even weeks the other one odd weeks. Then they can switch weeks, for ex if one wants two weeks in a row to go on holidays. They did it this way to avoid fighting about school holidays, who gets them etc. I am quite sure they alternate Christmas week.

From what DSis says, she enjoys her child-free weeks, she has started a couple of classes and clubs and meets other singles/divorced there, not necessarily in a romantic way just to socialize.

Lingotria Tue 28-Mar-17 13:25:21

1 week on 1 week off seems good but really depends on your child and how close you live. If different cities then it's better to not have 50:50.

Also who is the primary caregiver, you? If so how would your child cope being separated from you - I don't know many kids that age who could handle a long term arrangement without the primary caregiver (usually mum in my circles).

TiredMumToTwo Tue 28-Mar-17 13:28:12

My ex and I share our DS 50/50 & have done for the last six years. DS is with me Mon & Tues, Dad Weds & Thurs & then we alternate weekends. Works for us, we both work full time so I saw no reason why it wouldn't be 50/50. My ex & I get on well & both are flexible which I think is important. Was really pleased seeing the post above from the "child" in this scenario who felt it had worked out well - I put in a hell of a lot of effort to make it work as I'm sure most parents do.

May50 Tue 28-Mar-17 13:54:44

As DoggyMadMum says - her and her ex get on well, and are flexible. That's the key. It wouldn't have worked with my ExH as he was totally inflexible eg never letting DC go to a party if it fell on his weekend as that was 'his time' (and wouldn't talk to me - absolutely refused to speak a word, any communication by e-mail!). So - does depend on the circumstances. Co-parenting needs two adults who will co-parent, and work together for the best for the child.

youokayhun Tue 28-Mar-17 14:03:58

We have a two week rota...

It goes as follows

Mon: me
Tues: him
Weds: him
Thurs-sun: me

Then the opposite the next week.

We muddle along, I don't particularly like it but either of us are willing to lessen our time with the children. I do think they suffer a little and should be more settled in one home but I think that should be mine and he thinks it should be his 🙄

welovepancakes Tue 28-Mar-17 14:09:47

50/50 often meets the parents' needs better than the child's needs. 50 / 50 requires excellent communication between parents eg re homework & party invitations. More likely to be feasible if both live close to school too.

MrsTwix Tue 28-Mar-17 17:01:32

Same as Doggymadmum here. It works pretty well. We are flexible if there is something going on to swap weekends etc as needed.

chickenjalfrezi Tue 28-Mar-17 17:05:52

Same as Doggymadmum as well.

Works as best it can, were all satisfied with arrangements and XH and I negotiate over difficulties with a little give and take.

Lugging stuff perhaps not relevant yet as DD is 6 but it's very open door - we have keys to each other's homes and will the level of courtesy you would afford a friend we can pop in as necessary to make sure DD has everything she needs.

welovepancakes Tue 28-Mar-17 17:07:48

youokayhun I think what you're describing sounds confusing for a child. I'm guessing your children ar quite young? You may find this doesn't work so well as they get older and more aware of the days of the week

chickenjalfrezi Tue 28-Mar-17 18:40:16

I do the same welovepancakes and there's no confusion. In fact DD has a little giggle when we swap days occasionally because if it's a Wednesday for example and normal Mummy day then invariably something gets left at school by mistake.

I like to also point out that so many parents have complicated childcare arrangements when they are together to cover pickups and holidays that arguably that's harder for children to get to grips with. Due to the 50:50 her Dad and I value the time with her and very committed to her. We don't rely on other childcare as a result.

MrsTwix Tue 28-Mar-17 21:43:33

DSD has her own keys to both houses (she is older obviously) and whilst we try to keep most things she needs at both houses (clothes chargers etc) to avoid her having to carry too much stuff around, we do end up popping between houses sometimes to fetch stuff. I try to encourage her to be organised but I know it's not her fault she licensed in 2 places so we do try to facilitate fetching stuff when it's migrated to the other house. Swimming costumes, stuff like that, not everyday stuff seems to be the problem.

MrsTwix Tue 28-Mar-17 21:44:27

Lives. Autocorrect!

MirandaWest Tue 28-Mar-17 21:53:00

XH and I have a 5,5,2,2 pattern. It involves me having them more as I work from home and live in the village where DD is at school. XH lives where DSs school is although DS generally chooses to get the school bus back here on nights when they're with their dad.

They are with him on Monday and Tuesday nights, me on Wednesday and Thursday and then every other weekend with one or other of us. We're fairly flexible about it when one or other of us needs to have time with/without the DC.

XH pays maintenance based on the CMS levels but as I pay for nearly all things (clothes, clubs, school dinners , all school and club trips etc) then that seems fair to me. If you were doing 50:50 then think about how you'd want the financial side of things to go.

welovepancakes Wed 29-Mar-17 07:55:10

sorry youokayhun I had misread your post. Got it now.

Cindersinsuburbia Wed 29-Mar-17 08:16:50

I have shared care with my Ex H. It took a while to get in the swing of things but it's been 18 months now, my DC are 6 and 9.

Do i miss them? Of course!.
The time i have without them, i enjoy my adult time. I volunteer, go out with friends, sometimes just slouch around and watch Netflix.

I find i am more focused when they are home because i can get things done when they are not here.

They have a great relationship with their dad. But shared care means whilst they're young you would need to communicate with your Ex and him with you more regularly.

It can work if it's right for the children, i know mine would have been devastated not seeing their dad often after the split.

CazY777 Wed 29-Mar-17 08:35:21

My DH and his exW did this -she did 5pm Saturday to Wednesday, he did Wednesday after school to 5pm Saturday, but with flexibility for holidays, weekends away etc. This worked well up until DSD did her GCSEs and started to suffer from anxiety and keeping track of where her books got too difficult so she then lived with her mum full time (her mum has more space than us). But by then they lived about half a mile from us so she would still come to us after school and at the weekends but go back to her mum's to sleep.

Maltropp Wed 29-Mar-17 08:48:39

We do 60:40... Roughly, 8 nights a fortnight with me, 6 with ex H. Kids are with him eow and mon and tues nights, always at mine on a Sunday night... But due to his work he drops them to me before school Tues and Weds and I have them after school mon (til he picks up for cubs) and they do afterschool club tues. We help each other a lot to facilitate a hectic after school /evening schedule of activities so I sometimes do biggest swim pick up at 8pm tues and return him to ExH's, exH does hockey and scout pick up on a weds and returns biggest to my house etc. Kids know the routine, it's consistent every week means minimal spend on breakfast and afterschool club. Between us we both see the kids most days even if just for a bit.

I still miss them on his weekends but used them to do my stuff and see my partner and I still see them v breifly after school on a Fri and know they're home sun avo.

.... I also know they have a great time with exH so that helps. We will both attend weekend sporting fixtures sometimes too.

NeverTwerkNaked Wed 29-Mar-17 09:02:54

We do 10 nights a fortnight with me, 4 with exH. Then 50/50 split of hols.
This seems to work pretty well for the kids. I plan my work so they don't need breakfast /after school club.

I'd be wary of going for a 50/50 split without thinking what is right for your particular child and circumstances.

Ex H is not interested in arranging for school friends to come round or taking kids to sports club etc or indeed anything other than sticking an iPad in front of them

Mine also hate if (due to ExH work) the pattern gets to "bitty" and they are just shuttling backwards and forwards.

Putting children first means not assuming a straight split down the middle is necessarily right.

chickenjalfrezi Wed 29-Mar-17 13:59:33

I would second comments about the type of children you have. My DD manages well. My DSD would not cope at all well with the same arrangement.

Also a PP made a very valid point about attending stuff together. XH do parents evening and other school events together. We both wake up with DD on her birthday and take her out for tea after school together. Things like that are v important.

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