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To think I'm not actually a lazy 'lady who lunches'?

(149 Posts)
Tranquiltess Tue 28-Mar-17 00:01:50

(I'm looking at you, FIL!)

Background: I worked in a professional setting since graduating, right up until my youngest was about one. DH works away a lot, given the nature of his job, he can be away for months at a time and is often away just through the week as well. As this isn't always known well in advance, and isn't constant, full time after/before school care wouldn't be cost effective, short term (short notice) child care is difficult. As my job required work in the evenings and weekends, it was increasingly difficult to juggle everything while DH was away for long periods, as there wasn't anyone to help out with pick up/inset days/sick days, etc. So....

I have been a (mostly) SAHM for the past few years, but regularly volunteer at school AND have always done contract work. This is the bit I wanted to ask about. I am able to do professional contract work in total about 3 months of the year. I really enjoy the mental stimulation, although it is a really intense work period with tight deadlines - I am literally working every waking moment apart from eating/sleeping/organising kids, etc. It's definitely not sustainable long term even if the work was available, and if DH is away during this time it is extremely stressful trying to complete without any adult assistance with kids/household. But I do enjoy it, and it's good money. In fact, the money I make for the approx 3 months is equivalent to what I would earn doing a 3 hour shift 4 days a week in retail (which is the only job I have seen recently that I could possibly qualify for and would fit with our family at the moment) OVER NEARLY 10 MONTHS!
I am completely happy going back to work when the kids are a bit more independent (early primary atm) and/or DH isn't working away as much. I enjoy the contract work, I don't think I would enjoy shift work, which would then come with all the associated difficulties when DH is away again.
However, FIL has expressed his opinion that I'm just a 'lady who lunches' and has implied that I am lazy for not working now, despite earning as above, running the house, and volunteering. Of course, he has only said this directly to me while DH is away. I find his views personally offensive. I don't go out for coffee/lunch every day and spend loads of money, so it's not like I don't contribute financially overall. AIBU, am I lazy, or should I be deliberately making life difficult for myself for slightly more money in a regular job? WWYD?

Tranquiltess Tue 28-Mar-17 00:04:32

Sorry that was a long rant! Thanks if you read to the end!

Didyoumeantobesorude1 Tue 28-Mar-17 00:07:40

Ignore him, it's none of his business.

PickAChew Tue 28-Mar-17 00:11:21

FIL can fuck right off.

Blumkin Tue 28-Mar-17 00:12:25

I'd call out FIL with a 'did you mean to be so rude' and tell him you find his comments offensive and derogatory. If he's rude enough to insult you to your face, then you can be rude back. <shrugs>

Sidenote - I am a sahm too, and occasionally get comments re being a lady that lunches/goes to the gym/has an au pair/whatever they want to judge me on - I initially used to waste my breathe explaining dhs long and irregular hours, having no family nearby to help, and trying to justify how I spent my time. Eventually I realised I couldn't win and now just either shrug it off or counter attack

Lulabell1979 Tue 28-Mar-17 00:12:51

Tell him you've set up on your own contracting and you make so much money you choose when to work. He can piss off!

scaryteacher Tue 28-Mar-17 00:14:12

Get your dh to tell his Dad to wind his neck in.

I worked f/t with dh being away on ops, or in another part of the country, and then abroad, until I jacked in my job and moved to join him. I should have done it sooner. I team lead for an exam board once a year, deal with the letting agent for our house in the UK, and pick up lots of the domestic admin needed which comes with a dh who is away and sometimes uncontactable. I also did the runs to and from the UK for sixth form, and now for university for ds.

I would tell fil that having done a cost benefit analysis, it isn't financially viable for you to work, and I would tell him to direct his remarks to your dh. I would then tell him the matter is closed, and that any comments will result in no contact whatsoever for the foreseeable future.

As for ' lady who lunches', ask him if there is a rule that one shouldn't eat lunchtime?

TeamSteady Tue 28-Mar-17 00:14:26


I have a husband who works similar crazy hours and cannot be relied on at all to help out ever in the week and indeed a lot of weekends (as an example he left the house at 615 this morning and is still not home ). So we made a decision that I would be a SAHM for the foreseeable future. I couldn't cope with being the one who's work always had to suffer if someone was needed at home e.g. ill kids etc, and I just got fed up with doing 100% house and all childcare in the week and working as well.

If you and Dh are happy and it's working for your family its no one else's business

TheABC Tue 28-Mar-17 00:15:37

Ignore. You have a job - you are looking after your children! If FIL does this again, sweetly explain to him you are saving his dear son xxxx in childcare fees.

Justanothergame Tue 28-Mar-17 00:19:00

God what a twat. This sounds like misogyny dressed up in straight talking.

You sound like you're contributing an amazing amount to your family. You have plans for the future. You're keeping your hand in with your career. And your earning a decent amount towards the family finances. What would be the point of doing a regular part time job that would earn you less pro rata, would disrupt your family life significantly and would not really help towards your future career.

What does your dh say about his father? Sounds like a few stern words from him would be in order. How cowardly of fil to only say it when there's no one else around.

semideponent Tue 28-Mar-17 00:20:20

Ignore FIL. He sounds like the kind of man with whom you can never win. If you go to work, he'll lambast you for neglecting his DGKs.

Lingotria Tue 28-Mar-17 00:26:59

He's probably jealous that you earn more in 3 months than a lot of women earn all year.

gettinfedduppathis Tue 28-Mar-17 00:33:06

I'd print out this thread, and send him a copy in the post grin

EffinElle Tue 28-Mar-17 00:34:49

Urgh, what a dick, ignore.

ellencherry Tue 28-Mar-17 00:35:09

Yanbu infact fil sounds like a tosser.

I'm a sahm - get sick of the comments and rather than justifying myself when people ask what do I do all day I sometimes just say 'dunno' grin

belu1 Tue 28-Mar-17 00:35:17

Op, what type of contract work do you do? It sounds ideal. (sorry for sidetracking thread)

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Tue 28-Mar-17 00:38:13

Ugh, he can go eat a bag of shit.

You could not do any work, and do nothing but your nails and the mail man Monday to Friday, and it'd be none of his business.

He's such a big man talking shit when your husband's away. hmm

peaceout Tue 28-Mar-17 00:48:27

so what if you are 'lazy' (I'm not saying you are of course) he doesnt get to stand in judgement of you and how you live your life.

I would wonder why someone felt the need to attack me like that, does he see you as a threat, or does he feel the need to control the lives of other people?

Sounds to me as if he's trying to knock you down and disempower you by suggesting that things you do are trivial

Better a lazy person than a nasty manipulative piece of shit eh

Darlink Tue 28-Mar-17 00:53:15

Well of course you are not lazy

peaceout Tue 28-Mar-17 00:53:50

actually take it as a compliment, in his mind you are a person of some power and influence thats why he feels the need to try and keep you under control and knock you down to the insignificant position that he would like to see you in.

He's worried about what you might do, feed on his fear

tillytown Tue 28-Mar-17 00:59:29

Explain to your FIL that the only reason you can't work full time anymore is because his son has opted out of day to day family life, and its up to you to pick up his slack.
Or just don't bother with the in-laws whilst your DH is away, you sound too busy to be dealing with this crap.

ScarlettFreestone Tue 28-Mar-17 01:06:20

Call FIL on his incredible rudeness and make sure your DH calls him in it too.

Your domestic arrangements are no one else's business.

Lynnm63 Tue 28-Mar-17 01:10:08

He's a knob, what does your dh say?

TapOut Tue 28-Mar-17 01:45:24

He sounds unpleasant but I don't understand why you feel you need to ask Mumsnet if you are lazy when you don't sound like you are. confused. Why would you care what he thinks? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't work, my DC are all at Uni, I have a cleaner 10 hours a week and a gardener. I don't lunch but I'm not wildly productive either. I certainly don't feel I have to justify myself to anyone.

I bet you think I'm lazy wink

Pallisers Tue 28-Mar-17 02:00:40

Next time he says it to you look him straight in the eye, drop whatever you have in your hands, and speak very slowly and say:

I don't care one whit (maybe emphsise whit) what you think of me or my life or how I live it.

Then smile at him. Pick up your fork or your cup of tea and continue as if he never spoke.

repeat as needed.

Tell your dh his father is a rude pain in the ass.

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