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About MIL's poor behaviour

(36 Posts)
Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:18:37

I found out I had a missed miscarriage last week at my 12 week scan. Baby had stopped growing 6 weeks ago. I'm devastated but MIL said she would come and see us all today so my husband managed to get out of work early to go and pick her up and when he got there she was being funny about how long she was staying for. She said she would need to be back for Wednesday at 7.00 as she was having her friend over.

My husband was not happy with this as it would mean taking her back tomorrow night after work due to working. The whole thing just seems like a complete waste of time so my husband said it was probably best she didn't come( as that was her intention anyway) she just said ok but you've come all the way down. She does have form for this as the last time she came down was my moms funeral last year and she had an issue with that as she said someone at the funeral was rude to her, she has also criticised our other children's christenings and birthday party. At our wedding she went home at 5.00 in the evening she got there late and moaned as she was at the back. She also let us down when I had a Caesarian with my last child and cancelled coming down the day before I was scheduled to have baby.

I feel so upset and let down but I shouldn't be surprised. I know she isn't 100% health wise but she offered. MIL also is more interested in her other grandchildren and ours don't get a look in. What makes it worse is I know if my mom was still around she would help me without question. What would you do about MIL? I feel like not bothering anymore as if she is like this when I have had a miscarriage it says it all to me.

ThePiglet59 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:23:10

I think that the 'not bothering with her' option is best.
She clearly isn't interested, and your just setting yourself up for disappointment every time with her.
I would back off and let her make the running in future.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:26:33

Sorry for your loss.
Be glad she isn't a few mins away and just keep her at arms length from now on. She is too self absorbed and that's no reflection on you or your family..

Hissy Mon 27-Mar-17 16:31:49

Out of interest, why do you want/need her to come down?

You have had a mmc. It's tragic, sad and emotional but you don't need her to come and do anything, in fact you need space and time to process, not someone to come and make you feel worse.

I've had 3. One was pretty touch and go, I almost died, but we can get through these things, we go on.

Huge hugs, please feel better soon flowers

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:32:02

Thank you. I was just wanting someone here incase anything happens, I'm scared to be honest and don't know what to expect regarding bleeding and pain and I have a toddler at home. My husband is leaving his phone on and will come home if needed though.

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:34:10

I didn't necessarily want her to come down but as she offered I thought it would be nice and feel fragile as I have never had a loss before and it was a shock. I know I'm lucky to have 3 other children. It also brings it home not having my mom so mixed emotions.

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:34:45

Sorry for your losses hissy

Meowstro Mon 27-Mar-17 16:39:54

Sorry to hear about your loss flowers I hope you're getting the support you need (excluding MIL).

It's difficult with ILs but it sounds like your DH is on your side. I would say any plans she makes to visit should involve her making her own plans getting to you. I'd be inclined to say unfortunately she is the one missing out and as much as it's nice for your DC to have a grandparent, they'll still do just fine without your MIL.

In terms of visiting, do you ever visit MIL, could this be her issue? I'm in no way saying this situation warrants you now doing that or you should increase that but just wondered. Are her other GC closer in distance?

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:43:28

We don't go to MIL house as she smokes inside and that is probably the root problem really but we have tried everything to meet up from offering to take her out for the day having a pub lunch etc but she cancels every time.

GoodDayToYou Mon 27-Mar-17 16:44:34

Bless your heart! flowers So sorry you're going through this.

((Hugs))

Idbemonica1 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:49:02

So sorry for your loss. You are not alone on the Mil front, I feel your pain! When I miscarried mine didn't offer to help with my other dc or even ask how I was. When my mum died ( someone who she had known for over 20 years) again no offer of help, didn't even send flowers to the funeral. I will remain civil as she is my children's grandmother but she has the empathy of a teaspoon.
I wish you all the best for the future. x

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 16:52:26

Sorry idbemonica you have the same problem as myself. It's hard to believe that a person can be so insensitive. My MIL is a bit different where she says all the right things but doesn't follow it up.

My husband had a suspected heart attack 3 years ago(it wasn't thankfully) and my mom had to phone her to tell her and my husband was crying on the phone to her pleading with her to come down and when she was here the day she was due to go back, she was watching the clock waiting to go home and that was with her own son.

Idbemonica1 Mon 27-Mar-17 17:02:17

Freddofrog1983 keeping you in my thoughts. I know that it's hard but I'd try to focus on the support and love that you get from your husband and dc and ignore the selfish actions of others.
Take care of yourselves xxx

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Mon 27-Mar-17 17:10:10

Sorry for your loss thanks

Sounds similar to my MIL, we've gone very low contact - not that you can tell as she never bothers with us and honestly it's so much of a relief to not even give the whole situation any head space.

Do you have a friend/neighbour that could help out with your DC?

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 17:12:48

A couple of school moms have been great and I could ask them if I need help I just don't like putting on people. One side my neighbours are at work and the other side I have never spoken to as it is a rented house and people come and go all of the time. Low or no contact is definitely the way forward it's just so sad that we do not have a support network or feel like any remaining family give a damn. I know we are not unique though so will just get on with it.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Mon 27-Mar-17 17:22:10

If a school mum asked me to help I know I would and could imagine that would be the case with most other mums.

It's hard not to feel hurt and especially for your DC - to be made to feel unimportant by someone who should cherish them really makes me so sad for them. But not having the emotional rollercoaster of 'will they' 'won't they' help/bother is a lot easier to deal with than trying to make them step up to the plate when they don't want to. I make myself feel better by reminding myself it's my MIL's loss and that I get more of my DC to myself smile

ohfourfoxache Mon 27-Mar-17 17:26:53

I'm so so sorry for your loss thanks

As far as MIL is concerned, don't ask and don't expect. She sounds like a pain in the arse, and it sounds like she is more trouble than she is worth

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 19:06:26

Ohfourfoxache, that made me laugh, she is a pain in the arse and makes everything about her. It is her loss, there is no bond with my children and her. I have phoned her nearly every night to talk to her and see how she is and especially since my mom died so it's really hurtful that she does this at this time.

ohfourfoxache Mon 27-Mar-17 19:14:16

Unfortunately I'm in a similar boat hmm

Ds's arrival wasn't straightforward and we were in for 3 days. 1st grandchild on either side. The reason she didn't come to the hospital? If clashed with their dinner time. They've been fucking useless since too. And FIL is a cunt too, pure and simple.

FIL had a stroke 9 months later. They expected us to drive for 2 hours regularly to maintain the garden whilst he was "incapacitated" (NOT a serious stroke by any means). Needless to say it didn't happen and dh has been cut off by FIL as a result.

So as they get older? Fuck em. They can find someone else to look after them- I ain't doing it and neither, now, will dh.

Hold your head high and don't let the cow get you down thanks

Hissy Mon 27-Mar-17 19:14:32

The main thing to do is for you to stay calm, if you do start bleeding excessively, call 111 and your h. You're not alone.

The worst thing we can do is to expect others to do what they have never done before, they carry on doing what they always do, and we end up hurt because they have done what they've always done.

Meowstro Mon 27-Mar-17 19:21:50

It sounds like she just can't be arsed which is unfortunate but she is the last person you need right now if she makes you feel like she's wasting her time by being there, Freddo. The only consulation is that it doesn't sound like it's personal to you, she did it to her own son!

I'm sorry I can't offer more help on the mmc, I just hope I hope you can find that support (whether emotional or physical support) in someone close by.

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 19:24:17

Ohfourfoxache, similar thing happened to us where my husband came out of work to take his mom to the hospital as she had a bad chest infection and apparently coughing up blood where her other sons who live a few minutes away couldn't take her.

Hissy, when I was at the hospital the doctor told me if I experience pain or bleeding to go straight to the hospital even if that was by ambulance. That is what had panicked me as that seems excessive. Would that only be if I thought I was bleeding excessively? I thought I would be able to manage at home but its all a bit of a blur what he said.

Hoppinggreen Mon 27-Mar-17 19:44:29

I'm sorry for your loss ( and your shitty mil)
When I had a mmc at 12 weeks I opted for surgical removal - would that be an option for you? I couldn't stand waiting but unfortunately the NHS didn't have a bed so I went Private.
My care was amazing ( as you might expect) and although it didn't change what had happened it made a difficult situation a bit easier

Freddofrog1983 Mon 27-Mar-17 19:52:24

I'm thinking surgical removal to be honest hoppinggreen as I'm over 13 weeks and thought my body would have passed it by now if it was going to. I have very mild period pain on and off but I have had that for a while. Is that an option they would offer me when I go back for my rescan?

Hopethisoneisnottaken Mon 27-Mar-17 20:29:58

sorry to hear about your miscarriage. quite clear your mil is not interested... if she ever did come to stay with this attitude and you needed help... think she would be more of a hindrance rather than help as she wud be doing things half heartedly. i had miscarriage and two c section and no family support at all. inspite of having family around. i was lucky to be healthy and hubby took a week off work all these times.. but we managed and i just got on with it after he went back to work.

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