to be worried about Dsis behaviour?(54 Posts)
Honestly just need some advice on whether my judgement is being clouded here.
Last year, my partner and I found out our baby had a 0% survival chance at our 12 week scan, our families were a huge support and honestly I don't think we would have coped as well as we did had it not been for them.
My DSis announced she was pregnant around 6 weeks ago, I was over the moon for her as she's been TTC for around 8 months and I knew it was getting her quite down. I should explain she has an ongoing illness that makes it very hard to conceive and could also effect the pregnancy.
Throughout this I've tried hard to be supportive and excited with her, despite finding it quite hard, giving her advice where asked but I've also tried to be the voice of reason as she's quite prone to go from 0 to 100 in no time. I reiterated several times that she should wait until the 12 week scan before doing anything to drastic (i.e move house, buy clothes, furniture etc.) and have had the answer that she's being extra cautious until the scan as she has been placed as a high risk pregnancy.
Yesterday in casual conversation she tells me They've painted the nursery and bought the cot, the changing unit, a wardrobe and a few other bits and pieces. This is at 11 weeks. I went a bit quiet on the phone as I just didn't know what to say, I don't want to burst their bubble but I also can't help feeling it's way too soon, all the what ifs are floating around my head.
What if they do get bad news and they have to come back to a house with a room that's all set up for a baby? Obviously, I wouldn't want that for anyone but I just feel like they haven't considered that despite knowing that it can happen to anyone.
I'm also confused my my DM's behaviour, as a someone who has suffered a MC and knows that things can go wrong, who seems to be actively encouraging this by buying her baby clothes and blankets.
I'm unsure whether I should say something or whether I'm letting what happened to me cloud my judgement and that this is perfectly normal?
I don't think YABU to feel the way you do, but it's not worth saying anything now as she's already done it all. It's a bit bizarre as most people wouldn't do any of this so early, but it's not unheard of entirely.
I wouldn't say anything. I didn't announce till I was 12 weeks pregnant and had the scan, but it's an individual choice.
She may take it the wrong way if you say anything about it.
I understand how you must feel, but sadly people can MC at any time during pregnancy.
Also, your sister and your Mum know there is a higher risk before the 12 week mark.
There's nothing you can do really, except hope for the best.
Sorry for your loss
Personally, I think you are right. That it is always wise to wait before making changes, decorating etc etc.
But your dsis is coming from a different place. There is no point in discussing this with her. Bite your tongue, show as much interest as you can. Hope for the best.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I feel bad as I know that part of the way I'm feeling is probably to do with what happened last year but it just makes want to grab her by the shoulders and shout "have you learnt nothing".
Part of me is glad that she's not giving herself anxiety by stressing too much and that she can feel confident in her pregnancy.
I'm just worried that my DM seems to be encouraging her to go hell for leather of baby things.
She might be enjoying her pregnancy and excitement whilst she can - because she's aware it might not be plain sailing. This (instead of your preferred method of being cautious) is also a valid personal choice of mindset.
The first time I was pregnant, I did nothing and bought nothing as I felt it was sensible to wait until after the 12 week scan. But when I lost the pregnancy, I also had nothing, no real physical representation of my baby to help focus my grief. It didn't help that circumstance meant I couldn't ttc again for another 3 years and then I had a year of failure to conceive/chemical pregnancies due to endometriosis. And in that time I concluded that if I was ever pregnant again, even if the pregnancy was a short one, I would enjoy it completely. Because if that was to be my only experience of motherhood, then I wanted to experience as much of it as I could.
Tbh, whether I had a house full of baby stuff or not a miscarriage would have hurt as much. How much to do and when to do it, is a personal decision and your sister seems to have made the decision to enjoy all she can of her pregancy/motherhood, even though she knows she's high risk.
Whether or not she buys thing and does things for the baby will make no difference to the outcome of the pregnancy. She's enjoying herself. She's not harming anyone in any way.
It's silly of her but if it's making her happy then I'd leave her to it. If she does lose the baby, she won't be any more sad just because she's bought a cot. It's foolish, of course, but it's her body and her baby.
I also think you are projecting a lot of what you went through onto her. One of my babies were breech and it ruined my silly 'dream' water birth plans. My friend got pregnant soon after and was going very OTT about how lovely her water birth was going to be. I kept saying to her that there was no point in planning anything at all because her baby could be beech and she might need a c section. This was wrong of me, of course.
Sorry you went through what you did, I hope you go on to have healthy babies Don't focus too much on what she's doing
You have given her good advice but that is all it was. Advice. She doesn't have to take it and has chosen not to. Step back now. You can do no more and if you do, you stand accused of bursting her bubble.
I think, Tuna, saying it's silly and foolish of her is really rather offensive. You have no idea what she's going through.
I hadn't really thought about it like that. I've tried very hard to be excited with her and not be a the voice of doom. I definitely don't want her to feel like I'm projecting my experience on to her as she's a different person to me and that she can celebrate in her own way. I just couldn't help feeling that this was running before she can walk in a way.
The only time I think I've really only said anything that may have not been what she wanted to hear was when she said she was planning to do a big thing to show my DD(6) her scan photo. I said she may want to tone it down a little as I wasn't sure how DD would take it as the last tie she saw a scan photo was our 10 week scan, when we didn't know, and she'd been quite effected by the news that she wasn't going to be a big sister.
Dsis had sounded quite upset on the phone about it but I tried to explain as best I could that I couldn't predict how she would react and it was probably best not to expect too much from her.
I can understand why you feel the way you do but YABU. She is an adult and while her way may not be your way, that doesn't make your way the only right way.
I think once you've had a miscarriage you can't quite comprehend how other people can be excited about their pregnancies in the early stages because you know what can happen. But the majority of pregnancies will progress as normal. Personally I wouldn't announce before 12 weeks and I won't even buy anything for other people's babies until they've had a happy and healthy delivery - but that's because I've had a miscarriage! In truth, I'd give anything to go back to not knowing and be able to be excited about a pregnancy. At the end of the day, a miscarriage or still birth is a horrendous experience and going through it is agonising no matter what.
She is jumping the gun a bit but I think you have to leave her to it. There is nothing yOu cansay that will stop her and she will more likely accuse you of being negative/jealous/projecting..
The showing your dd the scan photo is massively insensitive though and I think you are right to say no to that...far too confusing/upsetting for your dd she should not have even suggested that imo
I am so sorry for your loss and can understand why you are feeling very conflicted about how she is handling things but I think you are being a teeny bit U. Be happy and excited for her as best you can and let her revel in her pregnancy. I am certain she must have considered the worst happening especially with your loss but it sounds like after a long wait she is euphoric. I felt similar in my first pregnancy. Walking on air. Of course things can go wrong but you cross that bridge if and when you come to it. Hugs anyway as I appreciate this is a very hard time x
I think you're still carrying a lot of sadness and upset (naturally) from what you went through last year, and are probably being over worried about her. It won't do her any good to sit and worry for 12 weeks, it's better she does whatever she feels, and deals with whatever happens.
I wonder if the scan thing felt like to her you were saying her baby may not live, so why bother, even though you had a valid point?
It's a difficult one from both sides. She wants to be happy and celebrate, while you are still grieving. There needs to be a quiet middle ground of respect.
It's her business, really. I agree that it's unnecessary to decorate a nursery in the first trimester but, ultimately, she's free to do whatever she wants.
As for when and how she reveals the pregnancy to your daughter, I think you may be projecting a bit. I doubt your DD will find it triggering or traumatising. She'll either be really excited or really nonplussed (or somewhere in between). I don't think you need to worry about it.
@honeyroar I really hope that's not what she got from the conversation, that's not what I meant at all. I was just trying to get across that DD might not be as excited as she's expecting as the news hit her quite hard and children react to things differently to us. DD is quite an emotional being she occasionally will talk to DP and I about how she gets sad sometimes about the baby and her great grandad dying. I just wanted to prepare DSis for the situation that she may or may not get to the level of enthusiasm she expects from her.
I am still very excited for her and I've always been there for her with words of hope that she will conceive and not to give up when she was getting down. I know it's been a struggle for her, It had just passed me by that she might be making the most of it now. She's just always been a very impatient person and I'd just sort of naturally assumed it was that.
Sorry OP I think YABU.
There is not one woman who is pregnant that doesn't know that the chances of MC are higher during the first 12 weeks. Some people will choose to remain cautious, not share the news, not buy things etc.
Other people, like me, embraced my pregnancy. It's don't believe it's healthy to think 'I won't do XYZ just incase I MC', and maybe your sister is thinking the same. Let her get on with it and bite your tongue, an optimistic mind is better than a pessimistic one.
MC can happen anytime during pregnancy.
peaface I was NOT being offensive to say it's silly to paint a nursery and buy all the furniture at 11 weeks before she even knows there is a baby in there, everyone knows that. However, I said that if it's making her happy then to leave her to it, her body and her baby. Sounds like you also have issues...
" I reiterated several times that she should wait until the 12 week scan before doing anything to drastic "
I do think that that is entirely her decision tbh, so I don't think that you should say anything else to her.
So sorry to hear about your loss.
I'm not sure how close you all are-would your daughter even be interested in her scan pic?
"It's don't believe it's healthy to think 'I won't do XYZ just incase I MC'"
But if you think that you couldn't cope with seeing baby stuff/a nursery-isn't it just self presevation to wait a while?
Doesn't mean that you aren't excited!
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