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AIBU?

Would I be unreasonable to never let him in my house again?

18 replies

Dumbo412 · 27/03/2017 06:28

As it was Mother's Day yesterday my husband invited his parents over, under the premis that he and FIL could cook for us.

PIL arrived late and when they got here FIL started barking orders at DH, do this, do that, why are you doing that? Do it this way? You are peeling carrots wrap by, get me a drink:
Do you have a TV? -he knows we have a TV! Go turn it on for me. The football is on.
Turns to DD and says, go turn the TV on for me. Football.

We explain she doesn't know how to use it, and that DH wanted me and MIL to be able to watch a film and relax as it's always us that spend the day in the kitchen cooking.

He carries on so DH goes up to the living room to put the football on for him. Whilst he's muttering about going home so he can watch the football because he can't here.
Footballs on. He disappears.
He comes down stairs when dinners about to be served, and complains food is being put on plates and that he can't choose what he wants. This is code for as much as he wants. He had a huge plate full (loads of beef, about 8 potatoes, cabbage,cauliflower and broccoli, carrots) he criticises dinner which was beautiful and DHs first roast he has ever cooked.

He then does a smelly fart and tells us he's going home.

He then realised there's dessert which he decided he will stay for, but between mouthfuls he's talking about how DH will need to get a shower and go to bed after dinner (6pm!)

He finishes, starts farting and talking about how he's bunged up, then he's going home.

He walks towards the door. MIL has been mortified at his behaviour, has been profusely apologetic.

didn't say much in reply, just nodded a bit and minimised what a PITA FIL was.

It wasn't until an hour after they left that I went up to the living room and I see staining where FIL my st have had oil on his trainers on my carpet that isn't yet 4 months old.

I can just about take the rudeness. Just! I've got very good at making excuses for him, but I can't excuse the complete lack of respect and ruining my carpet, and turning the TV on really quite loud and wandering off for dinner whilst leaving it on.

In anger I said to DH, Never invite that man into our house again, he's a rude disrespectful fucker. I've now calmed down, and whilst I shouldn't have said them things (even if true!) I feel that I shouldn't have to have him here When it gets to the point where he's ruining our stuff.

I know he has sore knees, but my dad who's legs are worse (dad can only walk with help of a stick) takes his shoes off when entering my home. There's a bench seat for those who may need it in the hallway. We always take shoes off in their house.
It's probably worth saying his sofa,and the surrounding carpet are all completely fucked by the way that FIL wears his footwear indoors whilst traipsing about, and the way he throws himself about on the sofa. Can't expect any changes here!

I'd love to have MIL over more often, because she's wonderful.

Just feel like I'm being U and really nasty.

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Cheby · 27/03/2017 06:44

YANBU. He sounds like an absolute arse. I wouldn't be having him to visit again.

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Trb17 · 27/03/2017 06:44

Wow nope YANBU. I'd never have him over again. Invite MIL but not him. If he asks why tell him that after the way he behaved last time he's not invited.

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StillDrivingMeBonkers · 27/03/2017 06:47

Dementia?

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TheDowagerCuntess · 27/03/2017 06:50

Wow. How is he so very different from his son and wife? That's seriously odd.

Has he always been like this?

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ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/03/2017 06:54

Certain elements of his behaviour suggest to me he may have dementia. Emphasis on the word "may". If it were me I would ask my DH to speak to his mum about getting his dad to the doctor.

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BertrandRussell · 27/03/2017 07:01

Has he always been like this?

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LucyFuckingPevensie · 27/03/2017 07:05

Yes, I was wondering if he had always been like this too ?
It is very strange behaviour, what did your DH say when he was told to have a shower and go to bed before 6 ?

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SoulAccount · 27/03/2017 07:10

He sounds like Jim Royle.

Oh dear. Was DH upset? How does he feel about it?

It all depends on whether this is new behaviour or whether he has always felt he could behave like this.

Sorry your day was spoiled: well done DH for doing a great roast, anyway.

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morningconstitutional2017 · 27/03/2017 07:10

I was wondering about dementia too. Has he always been rude and awkward? Sadly his character may become an exaggerated version of what he is now, so if you find him unbearable he's only going to become more so in future.
It's a very cruel condition. Flowers
Maybe meet him at the door next time and tell him you've got a 'no shoes' rule now - no exceptions. Tell MIL beforehand so she can pack his slippers and NEVER invite them when there's footie on.

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Dumbo412 · 27/03/2017 07:10

He is a pain in the arse and I'm glad it doesn't come across as me being horrible!

In regards to dementia, it is possible, he is nearing 70, and there has been more incidents like this than normal as of late.
He went off on one at MIL on Friday about doing a load of work related washing,which resulted in her going to work in tears. And I believe he told her he felt like leaving her recently. They have been together since she was 18, married for 40 odd years and he's never shown any interest in being anywhere else before.,

Though I will also say, for the past 7 years I have known him to be the way he is.

I don't want this to read badly, but FIL was dragged up by a relatively poor family, doesn't read or write, and MIL was brought up in an apparent well to do family. When FIL would go out with friends fishing/shooting that left my MIL in the village with their son. So she had far more influence on who DH has turned out to be.

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notaflyingmonkey · 27/03/2017 07:12

Didn't his son or wife pull him up on his behaviour at the time? (Farting, moaning, etc)

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pigeondujour · 27/03/2017 07:16

The telling your DH bit he needed to go to bed after dinner at 6pm makes him sound maybe not well rather than just plain being an arsehole? When my auntie started with dementia she was forever offering people beds at odd times of day or in their own houses. Poor you though, sounds like a horrible day.

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Dumbo412 · 27/03/2017 07:20

Mornings got the word I was looking for! He does seem a bit exaggerated!
It's not as if he hasn't said things that are wrong or uncomfortable a few times every time we see him. That's him! But this amount is something new to us.

Maybe we can both speak to MIL about this, as I'm closer to her than DH, and because i did ask if he was ok yesterday and she spoke at length about how he's been behaving as of late.

DH feels upset by the way he was treated. He feels that his Dad has always been like this, he thinks his dad will always find fault, he thinks that the carpet would have gotten stained at some point so no reason to worry about it happening now!

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OnGoldenPond · 27/03/2017 07:20

The comment about his grown son needing to go to bed at 6pm stands out as particularly odd, could be sign of dementia. Bad tempered and unacceptable behaviour getting worse is often first signs but can just be him! He could easily have been suffering from early dementia since the age of 63.

I would also advise getting him to a doctor but that's going to be easier said than done with the way he is. Maybe your DM can make an appointment to speak to doctor herself to ask advice? Doctor won't be able to discuss his confidential records without permission but will be able to offer advice on what DM tells him is going on

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BloodyEatSomething · 27/03/2017 07:21

I wonder... Some men are just like that unfortunately. Domineering, selfish, controlling, more than a little sexist - my dad was. You say you're used to making excuses for him so it sounds like he has always been like that. At one point dementia was suggested as an excuse for my father too.

Clearly you need to talk to your dh about it. Does he see anything wrong? Banning his father will put him into a tight spot, or he may even be relieved. You need to find out what he thinks and ensure he accepts his dad's behaviour is out of order for you. Perhaps invite them out to neutral places in future or make sure you are not inthe house when he comes. Make invites as rare as possible and hold him at arm's length. It should be possible to invent reasons for seeing your MiL on your own. It is difficult.

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BloodyEatSomething · 27/03/2017 07:22

x-post!

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Dumbo412 · 27/03/2017 07:33

I'm sure that MIL will get him into the Drs, even if under the guise of another issue!
It's just a conversation we have to have with her. It's not going to be an easy one is it?
I think she may be receptive to it though, as it's unlike her to tell us about their arguments... I didn't even think they had them until about a year ago.

Bloodyeat, that's what I'm concerned about, if it's just him, then I can importable say nope, not coming in my house again, but if it is Dementia then its a completely different issue.

I think contact with FIL is better at their house, as he is able to act how he wants them. I think at least!

He goes out most Saturdays so we can see MIL then.

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highinthesky · 27/03/2017 07:44

Sorry to hear you had such a trying Mothers Day. Did DH agree with you about FIL's behaviour?

Your poor, poor MIL. It sounds like she's in for a v rough ride.

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