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To go to the Dr's?

(8 Posts)
Lifestakingitstoll Mon 27-Mar-17 00:46:13

I'm not even sure what I'd say. I love my job, I'm a SP to 4 DC under 8, my house is clean and tidy, I've changed my diet, trying not to smoke/drink, DC are clean, fed, eldest 2 are doing great at school, do extra-currilcular activities, i have family support and finally have a good arrangement with ex, i look presentable etc. BUT, i feel like I'm failing. I feel I'm fucking up the DC. I am moody and horrible. I shout. I'm horrid. I feel so sad. Thinking of my childhood could make me cry, although i don't i cry at adverts and stupid shit like that instead. I feel like i am setting the DC up for unhealthy adult relationships and to follow in my own crappy footsteps. I feel like I've ruined the older DC's lives by having the younger two because i wasn't strong enough to walk away from their dad sooner. DD2 drew a pic in her mother's day card of me her and DC1, as the other 2 are "annoying" (she's got that from me) i love DC3 & 4. I don't regret them, but i regret the life I'm giving them all. Logically i suppose i know they wouldn't be better off without me but i feel they would be. I've spoken to family but they think I'm doing great. I've tried telling them I'm not really but they don't believe me. I just want drugs to make me numb so hopefully i can be kind. I'm sure DC1 is walking on eggshells around me. I feel like I'm just waiting to die sometimes. Get through the next 18 years and then, i don't know.
But if i go to the Dr's what could they even do?! What can i say? Everything seems fine, really. But it isn't. I know I'm not good enough and I'm fucking them up royally. They have no better option i suppose then to be with me, but it won't do them any favours. Not really. They deserve so much better. I try so so hard, but i just can't do the basic thing of being consistently kind and patient. I am frustrated, angry and impatient. They deserve better. We're screwed basically. And it's all my fault. I can't see any way out. Could a Dr help? Would drugs help?

Lifestakingitstoll Mon 27-Mar-17 00:48:13

Sorry, that was long.

nocoolnamesleft Mon 27-Mar-17 00:51:24

You sound depressed. Why don't you print out your post and take it with you?

haveacupoftea Mon 27-Mar-17 00:56:33

Yes, see your GP. You sound stressed and irritable which is making you guilty and depressed in turn. Your mental health is important too. And yes there are drugs that can help. When i'm stressed I get anxious, irritable and snappy - a different person from who I really am. Propanalol helps me so much. Your GP will help you. Good luck flowers

Lifestakingitstoll Mon 27-Mar-17 00:59:01

That's what i thought but when i spoke to my family they think everything's fine. But they are a shouty moody enmeshed manipulative bunch (and wonderful too!). I don't want to pass it on to my kids but maybe it's inevitable.
I feel so inadequate and fucking sad! I want to go to the Dr's and ask for help but having spoken to them i am doubting myself. But i know how i feel! If i could just not feel like this, if i could be numb it would be ok. I can do it all, i just need to numb my own feelings. I am still breastfeeding, only at night. And I've had a stroke (recovered) would they give me medication still? I'm worried they will be cross at me for wasting their time.

Lifestakingitstoll Mon 27-Mar-17 01:02:30

Thank you have, i think i do have anxiety. I just want it to all go away and be kind to the people i love. That's it! That's all i want.

Italiangreyhound Mon 27-Mar-17 01:31:37

Go to your GP and ask for a mental health referral.

What you are suffering from could be depression, or something else, which is sapping you of your joy of life.

I had anxiety 20 years ago, it was horrible, I had a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on the NHS and it went.

I am not a doctor but what you describe sounds a bit like this en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

I am not saying it is this, I am saying it sounds similar.

"I am still breastfeeding, only at night. And I've had a stroke (recovered) would they give me medication still? I'm worried they will be cross at me for wasting their time."

They will not be cross with you, you need help. you have had a stroke this may affect your thoughts and you've had a baby and that can be quite traumatic for some too, and you've got four kids and are separated. So you rally have a lot on your plate.

Get help for you. Do not be fobbed off. If you need support to get you to the doctors why not call or email Mind, the mental health charity.

You are worth caring about, you need help, you are worth help.

www.mind.org.uk/

Lifestakingitstoll Mon 27-Mar-17 01:52:03

Thanks Italian I'll take a look

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