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AIBU?

to want to pack my bags because of DS?

50 replies

Seren2017 · 26/03/2017 22:01

DS, mid twenties, was stomping about very loudly in his room earlier this evening - I was watching TV. Been ill for sometime and was watching to relax - and get me in the frame to go back to work tomorrow. I called upstairs for him to be quieter - wasn't so called again. He came down, switched the TV off and shouted his head off at me.

At one point I said if he carried on, neighbours would call the police - he grapped my phone and said that he would. Tried to push me back into the chair when I got up. He'd clearly, very clearly been drinking - shouted, ranted so loudly and for long without pausing for breath. Said I was internalising things, on and on, much of it frankly didn't make sense. DH said there, saying very little.

He'd obviously been on the phone to his gf - stressful call he implied.
I've never had cause to the frightened of him before. But he was positively scary.

It's late now - too late to go to a hotel. If I'd called the police, it would have got nowhere. He didn't hit me. Obviously, things are difficult for him with gf - but he knows how much we love and support him. This was so out of the blue - and on mother's day. Feel shattered.

OP posts:

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IonaNE · 26/03/2017 22:03

It is your DS who needs to pack a bag.

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/03/2017 22:04

I'm so sorry. He needs to leave tomorrow.

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/03/2017 22:04

Tonight better. And how dare your DH just stand there.

ChasedByBees · 26/03/2017 22:05

Kick him out. He needs to leave. That is not acceptable and you'll be doing any future partner a favour if he knows that violence (and regardless of whether he hit you, he was violent) leads to him getting a boot up the arse.

Foxysoxy01 · 26/03/2017 22:05

Why did your DH just sit there?

Why did you not ask him to leave?

Why are you allowing him to talk to you the way he did?

How would you react if another adult treated you the same way in your home and why would you not treat your adult son the same way?

CheesyChristie · 26/03/2017 22:06

He needs to leave.

Unless he has some kind of SN or mh issues that are being dealt with that is totally unacceptable behaviour.

He is a fully grown adult and it's your house. Why did your dh do nothing?

Trumpssyrup · 26/03/2017 22:09

You need to have a Frank conversation when he's sober. Behave like that and he has to leave. This is completely unacceptable

Seren2017 · 26/03/2017 22:11

Thank you, all, for such supportive comments. DH remonstrated with him a bit when DS was, for a second, quiet but said too little - and it certainly wasn't tough enough.

I can hear DS now, on the phone, presumably to gf and it doesn't sound easy. But that is no excuse to frighten me - to attack me verbally - when he gets nothing but support. He works very little (that's another story) and I don't therefore ask for money. He's 'lent' money but of course we don't get it back.

TBH - I would worry about sending him out tonight. He's clearly been drinking & clealry upset. But the rage against me was new, was awful and I'm gearing up to going back to work tomorrow.

No, no MH or SEN problems - but tonight was very worrying.

OP posts:

harderandharder2breathe · 26/03/2017 22:12

He needs to leave, not you

Absolutely unacceptable way to treat yot

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/03/2017 22:12

He needs to leave . I don't give a shit how stressful a phonecall with his girlfriend was, there is no reason, no excuse, to turn on you. And your husband needs to step the fuck up, or I'd be asking him to leave too.

PeaFaceMcgee · 26/03/2017 22:15

His behaviour was utterly unacceptable and you don't get to be in your mid-20s and be given another shot at continuing to live rent-free after domestic abuse (no less!) No excuses.

Disgusting behaviour. Literally biting the loving hand that feeds him, on mother's day. He ought to be fucking ashamed of himself.

gixx · 26/03/2017 22:17

Wasn't tough enough! Your dh needs to go into his room and give him a bloody good telling, how dare he! Weather he's having issues with his gf or not, your his mother! You reallly need to have some stern words with him, if that was my son I would of gone ballistic!

SquinkiesRule · 26/03/2017 22:20

Tell him to pack his stuff in the morning and move out I'd tell him once hes sober, not while drunk and accept no excuses or appologies he needs to go.
Totally unacceptable.

eyespydreams · 26/03/2017 22:21

Actually, if he's been drinking, it's not a good idea for either of you parents to confront now - escalation will be awful, but poor you - it's him who must go not you, completely unacceptable behaviour. Confront tomorrow.

CoolCarrie · 26/03/2017 22:28

Leave any confrontation until tomorrow, no point is having any more aggro tonight, and him being drunk. Completely outrageous behaviour
Try and get some sleep and deal with him tomorrow

Therealslimshady1 · 26/03/2017 22:35

Blimey,

Your dH and you need to.calmly tell him that after that outburst he clearly cannot stay, doesn't matter if he was drunk or not, as his behaviour is always his own responsibility, being drunk is no excuse

How shocking

GabsAlot · 26/03/2017 22:45

i shouted at my parenets just once-theye kicked me out i was 17-no excuses why haventu told him to leave

why is being drunk always an excuse

honeyrider · 26/03/2017 22:45

He pushed you - that's assault. There's no way I'd let an adult child of mine stay after what you've experienced. If you don't tell him to leave tomorrow then you're only giving him the green light to continue treating you like that in the future and it will probably escalate.

Deftandglory · 26/03/2017 22:46

I think your post reflects that you know you have let him get away with it too long.
He needs to find a job and somewhere else to live as soon as possible. No one wants a son whose a mummies boy least of all you. You don't want a son that's an abuser either.

Crumbs1 · 26/03/2017 22:51

I'd be slightly gentler. I'd find it really hard to boot him out without warning. I would (with his father) sit him down somewhere public - a cafe/restaurant or similar and say he frightened you and was unacceptably aggressive and that you are not prepared to tolerate his behaviour. Tell him there will be no more money from you as un repaid loans. Tell him if he so much as raises his voice in future he will need to move out. Tell him he needs to get a job and start paying housekeeping. I'd give him support to find a job and remind him I loved him he needed to enter adult world.

123MothergotafleA · 26/03/2017 22:52

Hes got you over a barrel hasn't he? He's unemployed,and you are supporting him, and he's not able to move out and get himself a flat.
Awkward....

SlothMama · 26/03/2017 23:03

He needs to move out, disgusting behaviour drunk or not!

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ratspeaker · 26/03/2017 23:07

I know if this had been me I'd have blown my top.
How dare he speak to me like that!
Ever.

You are making an excuse saying a call to the police would go nowhere as you weren't hit. He verbally abused you, pushed you, placed you in a state of fear.
Butyou didn'tso leave it for now unless he kicks off again.

Wait until tomorrow.
Then you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable.
You love him, want to support him but verbal abuse and threatening behaviour is not going to be tolerated.
He obviously doesn't appreciate living at your house rent free, paying no utilities ( I also assume no food bills, council tax, tv licence, phone bills, laundry, cleaning ...)
He is free to leave, a flatshare may be an idea.
( he wont get much in the way of housing benefit but thats upto himto sort out )
But he NEVER acts like that again if he wants to stay.

Ideally he should be shame faced and apologetic, if not you have to accept that he has NO respect for you
In which case it is best he leaves. Sorry.

PS stop " lending " him money

Dragongirl10 · 26/03/2017 23:15

I am amazed you are so forgiving of your Ds, he is not a child he is a grown man....he should be living on his own working and supporting himself...how dare he.

.AT 20 I had a mortgage and a small business, many l know had DCs at that age, yet you talk about excusing his appalling behavior because of a row with his GF like he is 6 years old!

If my Ds EVER behaved like that to me, he would find his belongings iin the road within an hour!

And what is wrong with your DH allowing him to speak to you like that?

Time to stand up and rake control of your house Op

Joinourclub · 26/03/2017 23:19

Tomorrow you must tell him to leave. You do not deserve to feel that way in your own home. He is an adult not a teenager, there is no excuse for his behaviour. Either he leaves immediately, or you set a date, but he must go. Even if he just leaves tomorrow for a few weeks to give you all some breathing space and the opportunity to start afresh with some new rules. But something must be done to redress the balance of power in your home. The 25 year old angry, rude, non rent paying, unemployed son should not be ruling the roost.

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