AIBU to be mad and irritated by my friend(19 Posts)
So after my very first thread crashed and burned this weekend (ZERO responses ), I'm trying again with a similar issue.....
I genuinely want to know if I'm being selfish/unkind and unreasonable in this situation and if so how do I get over myself and stop being a bad friend.
Brief back story; I have always been a fairly easy going person, don't seem to have big dramas in my life, I'm easy to talk to and have quite a few friends (this is relevant, I promise!). A few months ago my child was stillborn at full term. Obviously a horrendous experience that I'm nowhere near finished dealing with but I've found that day to day I'm managing just fine, can stick a smile on my face and be 'normal' me at the school gates, but my tolerance levels for stuff seems to be a lot lower.
Anyway, the issue is, I have a friend who has had some crappy things happen in her life recently, she has terrible social anxiety and is obsessed with what people are thinking about her and about what she's wearing. I feel really sad for her and have always been open with her about the fact that we think about things very differently. She has made a few toxic friendships with some mums who can be a bit bitchy (I've never had a problem as I'm not close friends with them) and they have been very nasty to my friend in the past. However, despite this, my friend 'went back' to them (and then used to tell me about how bad they made her feel). I've told her she doesn't need these friendships and that they are obviously bad for her and she has other lovely friends, but I don't know, she seems to let them eclipse everyone else, she runs past other people in the playground to go and talk to them.
In the last week there has been another incident with these ladies sending my friend nasty messages.
Normally I would be there for her as a sounding board, but I'm just furious with her, irrationally so I think. I just can't be dealing with this school playground type behaviour!! It's just so alien to me, I don't understand it, and l don't even want to talk to her because I'm scared I'll end up shouting at her because I'm so frustrated!!! Which I don't want to do because she is a lovely lady and she is my friend.
The way I have been dealing with it is by distancing myself- which I know I shouldn't as her social anxiety means she'll be obsessing that I hate her (which I really don't!!).
So, am I being unreasonable (I think I am) and letting my bad experience make me a bad friend? How can I overcome this?!
Is there scope for being honest with her and saying you just don't have it in you to talk about that situation at the moment. She can then either choose to see you or not.
I agree with not being sucked into playground dramas when you've actually had a really awful time. You need to protect yourself while you grieve your baby.
for the loss of your baby.
I think it would ENTIRELY acceptable to say quite bluntly to her "we've talked about this before, and I made my feelings clear. You've gone a different way, which is your choice, but I don't see any point in our discussing this as you know what I think" followed by "I can't talk about this at the moment while I'm mourning my baby"
I hope you're getting some support to cope with your loss.
I think you need to tell her that given what's happened in your own life, you're not able to offer the same support as you have previously.
You're not being a bad friend, and it's better to tell her calmly rather than let things carry on and end up exploding at her
So sorry for the loss of baby. I think its entirely reasonable that this has affected your tolerance for peoples crap.
Agree with previous poster - I'm sorry you're upset, as i said previously the best thing you can is distance yourself from them.
If she keeps going on " I'm sorry but I don't have the emotional resillience to give you the support you need at the moment whilst grieving baby "
I didn't go through anything line you did when my son was born poorly and I had to tell a very good friend I simply couldnot cope with both our emotions right now
Goodness me. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I wonder if you have any counselling in place? You say you're easy going and easy to talk to, but it sounds like this friend has been using you as free therapy. I'm not sure that's necessarily easy going and easy to talk to. It seems like there's more there. What did you get out of the friendship before your bereavement? It sounds like a one way street. I'm appalled that someone could so willingly thrust herself into an acidic, volatile friendship group, even after previously seeking advice from a good friend about it, but I am shocked that after they had done so, they would seek further counsel from you. After everything you have been, and are going through. I am tempted, only because I'm so cross, to suggest that your friend is actually a bit of a knob. You need to close up shop as her 24/7 counselling service and put yourself first. How she could even possibly give this any weight in her own mind after witnessing what you've been through is mindbendingly beyond me, but to even consider approaching you, to even consider it. I actually have no words.
Its ok to have limits and to put yourself first. You can say I cant deal with this right now because that makes it all about you. Her anxiety is not your problem.
So sorry for your loss
Please put yourself first right now, it's ok to say that you can't talk about it.
I understand though. I have recently been through a situation with a friend being treated badly by another friend. In the end I found that I had to be blunt (quite unlike me!) and I told her that she does not have to be friends with her, she doesn't owe her anything, and if the 'friend' causes this amount of annoyance it may be best to move on. I don't know what will come of it but it felt like a big relief for me** to be honest and not beat around the bush.
Hope you are ok Wnpa
You do what you have to while you're dealing with the loss of your baby. If she has a smidgeon of self awareness she'll be fine with that!
Hope you're OK.
I am sorry for your dc💐 I think given your circumstances just be honest. Say that you can't be bothered listening to it but you still like her and want to be her friend. However, you have no tolerance to listen to such playground bitchiness when you are dealing with proper grief x
so sorry for your loss. As PP suggested could you be honest but gentle. You're still struggling to deal with your loss so you don't have many emotional reserves left for this at the moment - in time you'll have more time for friends but now you need to prioritise yourself.
You are not at all unreasonable, your emotional energy levels must be exhausted by your loss, and supporting yourself should be your priority.
Your friend may not be the person you need at the moment, and if she cares for you she will understand that you have nothing left to give her too fir the meanwhile.
I am so sorry to hear about your baby, the cruellest of blows.
Focus on you.... only you right now...
don't get drawn into this dramarama
Thank you for the replies. Yes, I will have to just be honest with her and explain I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with this at the moment. I think I just wanted some perspective from others as to whether it's ok to not be there for her this time (I didn't want to discuss it with mutual friends as I don't want to talk about her behind her back). I do know that what I have experienced is in a different league to what she is experiencing, but at the same time I don't want to belittle the fact that she is feeling really shit right now. The whole situation has made me mourn for the person I was before my baby died.
In life, there are radiators and drains. You have been through a terrible time and need the company of other radiators, not drains. Her sorrows are very sad but not your sorrows. She has made her choices and the same has happened again. You cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. Nor do you have the capacity to take on drains whilst you are grieving. Be honest and tell her you are struggling yourself right now and cannot offer any more then you have already. Her decision has led to more sorrow for her but she needs to take responsibility for this. Go find some radiators and do not beat yourself up.
I think it's frustrating regardless of having your own things to deal with.
I would have run out of patience with someone who is choosing not to help themselves too.
YANBU I'm so very sorry about your baby.
Your friend is so incredibly self absorbed that I can barely use the term "friend".
If my friend (or anyone really) had suffered the heartbreak of losing their child, the absolute last thing I'd be doing is bothering them with my juvenile playground carry on.
"Friend" is making a conscious choice to hang out with the bitchy mums'. This isn't a case of someone being great mates with nice people and then having an unexpected falling out. (I'd be full of sympathy then; provided I wasn't going through a major trauma of my own). This is someone who is consciously making bad decisions.
Even without the baby loss, I wouldn't have time for her nonsense in this case. Honestly, if she texts, emails, or leaves a voice message about this stuff I wouldn't even respond. If she brings it up in person/on the phone, don't even acknowledge it. If she wants to continue making bad decisions, that's on her. This is YOUR time. You need to grieve, not worry about this.
I'd be blunt with her if she pressed for a response: "I've got more important things to worry about right now. You keep making the same mistakes. I can't help you".
Did she bother to stop for five minutes and support you during what must have been a beyond awful time, or was always it her/her/her?
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