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AIBU to dread meeting my nct group

(25 Posts)
LondonGirl35 Sun 26-Mar-17 19:31:20

I feel like oil and water with two of the girls in my nct group who I find really bitchy. I like the other girls but the bitchy two seem to be turning the others against me and it's got to the point where I often feel really stressed before and during the meet ups and just dread going to baby classes that I know they'll be at. The bitchy comments seem to revolve around the fact that I'm a stay at home mum (for info I'm very academic and used to earn a six figure salary in a City job but husband also earns a lot and we decided jointly I could stay at home for a bit while baby is young. I have made an active choice to stay at home). I've done everything possible to be nice to these girls, inviting them here and there and going to classes with them but I honestly think that the bitchy ones can't stand me because I have a different lifestyle. The main bitchy one is about ten years older than me and has already gone back to work. Interested to hear if others have had an experience like this or have further thoughts.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Sun 26-Mar-17 19:35:28

Do you have to go?

On a personal level I found all mother/baby groups absolutely hellish, similarly the school gate mothers. The only thing we had in common was children vaguely born at the same time. None of these people were ever my social mix nor I theirs.

Whathaveilost Sun 26-Mar-17 19:37:13

Its not compulsory to attend.
Why be miserable?

hazelnutlatte Sun 26-Mar-17 19:37:36

It's not essential to go! How old are your babies? With my NCT group everyone met up together at first but it didn't take long before we started meeting in smaller groups, especially when people started going back to work. 5 years later I'm good friends with a few, see a few occasionally and have lost touch with two.

Semaphorically Sun 26-Mar-17 19:37:59

Don't go to the group things, just catch up with the people you like individually.

rookiemere Sun 26-Mar-17 19:38:04

NCT groups or indeed any mother and baby groups can be difficult as the main thing you have in common is that you have a baby.
Just stop going if you aren't enjoying it.

Leeds2 Sun 26-Mar-17 19:38:32

Could you meet up with the others (assuming you want to) when the two you dont like are at work?

usernoidea Sun 26-Mar-17 19:39:21

I know it's easy to say but they really don't matter. I've now stepped down from my nct group and I feel a massive sense of relief. I didn't feel they were bitchy just competitive, insensitive and jealous!!
Nct contacts could be relatively short lived anyway. Surround yourself with people who make you want to spend time with them
X

BumWad Sun 26-Mar-17 19:43:30

I wouldn't bother going

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 26-Mar-17 19:43:55

Don't go to meet ups if you don't enjoy them! Invite out smaller groups whose company you enjoy. You can't invite everyone bar the two bitches, but you might be able to alternate who you see.

kimann Sun 26-Mar-17 19:44:48

I had this - I just made new friends from baby groups I found. Joined a few online apps that connected me with their mums who lived in my area and even met up for lovely walks. If you want I could give you the name of the app and you could have a look? Let me know - happy to help smile

glitterglitters Sun 26-Mar-17 19:47:31

@LondonGirl35 oh I could have written this myself. I gave up work and the NCT mums thought I'd grown a second head. "Oh but I need work! I would just lose myself. Sahm's are such martyrs".

I'd say just crack on and ignore it. As the kids get older and they return to work it'll get better and you'll meet people on your wavelength xxx

ChickenMe Sun 26-Mar-17 19:47:44

Stick with the people you like. I hated one girl, another just wasn't my type (different values). I made a v good friend with one lady and three others I see now and then. I think most groups go like this.

beargrass Sun 26-Mar-17 19:48:28

How horrible for you, OP. Can you find other things to go to? Local coffee mornings, free sessions at the library, or a class you really like? Or is there a local FB page for those with little ones in your area?

I've been lucky with my group - I've heard some horror stories - but it's still not a walk in the park. You're put in a group of people you'd never choose to be friends with, plus a mega life-change, and off you all go!

I can't see all of my group staying close. Logically, none of the babies will end up at the same school for one thing, so I have begun to future-proof/do more things I want to do. I'm not mega-keen on booking up for tons of classes and am more a 'let the kids play while we catch up' kind of person so I haven't got as much out of mine as many of the others in the group.

LondonGirl35 Sun 26-Mar-17 19:57:06

Wowsers. I've only just posted my original thread and already a ton of supportive replies. Thanks so much all I really do appreciate it.
Kimann - I'd love to know the app etc that you found useful. Sorry I font know how to direct message or inbox from my iPhone. I'm relatively new to mums net...

Mysterycat23 Sun 26-Mar-17 20:03:13

There's an app called Mush. Not used it yet though.

Agree just message the ones you connect with and meet individually.

Silvercatowner Sun 26-Mar-17 20:06:38

I had a strong feeling of 'nothing in common; with the rest of my NCT group. I couldn't put my finger on it but it was weird. I found out later that I was the only non-midwife in the group. Everyone else worked at local hospitals. It explained a lot - they were lovely, but I wasn't a midwife and was quite terrified. I wish I'd not bothered - it was so expensive.

jaguar67 Sun 26-Mar-17 20:10:50

Ahh, this brings back some memories...these groups can seem disproportionately important at the time, simply because they're the main conduit of social contact at that particular point. In the bigger scheme of things, of course they aren't that crucial and are simply another way of (maybe) meeting some new people (at a time when you're feeling pretty vulnerable/ hormonal/ both).
What would you say to your DC a few years hence, in a similar situation? 'Walk away & find some new friends', I'll bet.
All the above advice from posters spot on and another vote here for stepping back & broadening social networks. You can do it, remember to focus on having the best quality time with your DC, that's why you became a SAHM in the first place.
Speaking as someone, who's been there & wish she'd always taken this advice!

SorrelSoup Sun 26-Mar-17 20:20:23

If you have to go then be tougher and stronger. Don't bend over backwards to be polite and friendly. Have confidence in yourself and practise some stock phrases. Start freezing them or pulling them up on what they're saying. They're obviously jealous and insecure but are also viewing you as weak as you've been so accommodating.

Didiplanthis Sun 26-Mar-17 20:30:57

I had nothing in common with 75 % of my NCT group. A few I could relate to and we stayed in touch and met weekly through the baby years. Drifting apart a bit now the children are older and life moves on but in a natural kind of way. Don't force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable - babies are stressful enough. Maybe there are 1 or 2 you could meet up with away from the group ? By the way I also gave up a well paid academic career to be a SAHM a few years ago. I wish I had had the guts to do it sooner. Martyrdom was insisting I could/ had to do it all - i really did lose myself then for a while.

boolifooli Sun 26-Mar-17 20:33:18

Christ. Screw that shit. Find something different to do that you look forward to doing. It sounds boring anyway.

ILiveForNachos Sun 26-Mar-17 20:33:54

pops in just to check it's not my NCT group

ILiveForNachos Sun 26-Mar-17 20:35:09

Sorry I didn't mean to bold that, was trying to do the asterisk thing and forgot that makes it bold... grin

Glitteryunicorn Sun 26-Mar-17 20:43:19

I didn't get on with my not group I got the impression I wasn't their type of person, I used to get so stressed out before going to meet ups

Finally I decided it was more effort than it was worth and stopped going. I'm much happier muddling through on my own

kimann Sun 26-Mar-17 20:43:23

Hi LondonGirl - of your on your phone - too right there are three icons, click middle icon and it'll bring up your inbox - PM are in there smile I've sent you a pm just saying hello. If you live in the part of London I live in - maybe be could meet for walks (promise im not weird!)

The app is called meetup.

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