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Ex and his spending habits

(16 Posts)
andshewillbeloved Sun 26-Mar-17 18:51:13

In a month my ex and dad of our 2 year old dd is going to work away for 2 years. He's in £15,000 of credit card debt and wants to pay that off and also afford a deposit for a house so that he can look after dd properly on the weekend. The amount he'll get working away will barely cover any of that.

At the minute we share the car. It's registered in my name but he uses it the most. I took dd out today and had the car. I found a hotel room receipt for the Thursday just gone- £180.

AIBU to think if he's missing 2 years of his daughters life then he should be more sensible with his money? He's meeting girls from tinder on a weekly basis just so he can get as much sex as possible and also reducing maintenance because he's 'skint'.

He's ruined my day. I'm fuming.

19lottie82 Sun 26-Mar-17 19:08:06

Hmmm I can understand why you might be peed off but from an outsiders point of view YABU I'm afraid.

I don't think you'd be too impressed if he told you what to spend your money on, would you?

If however, he's not paying the legal minimum for maintenance then tell him to up him game, or you will call the CMS.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Sun 26-Mar-17 19:11:17

He's meeting girls from tinder on a weekly basis just so he can get as much sex as possible

Not really your concern though is it?

PeaFaceMcgee Sun 26-Mar-17 19:22:08

Disallow him access to the car and get CMS onto him. Anything else is none of your business unless you have welfare concerns during contact.

TheNaze73 Sun 26-Mar-17 19:25:51

Not your fish to fry.

Get where you're coming from but, you don't control him.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 26-Mar-17 19:31:39

You need to establish a bit more control over certain things, and learn to let go of things you cannot control. You'll be much happier doing that then festering over things that aren't your business.

Your business is:

- Visitation and contact for your daughter. What is the arrangement/plan for her father going to work away for 2 years? ie video/phone calls and plans for trips for him to come and see her etc.

- Child maintenance. How much was he paying, and how much is he now paying? Check the govt website for information on statutory minimum child maintenance based on your ex's earnings.

- The car. If it's in your name and you paid for it, he has no claim on the car. It's not a good idea to share a vehicle with an ex. Obviously this won't be an issue once he leaves anyway, but when he eventually comes back, he will need to get his own vehicle.

What isn't your business:

- The tinder dates. That's totally his business and I think you will feel happier if you let that go. You're not together anymore.

- The credit card debt and the spending. Contact the child maintenance service if you need to get them to chase child support payments.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 26-Mar-17 19:37:03

What PeaFace said. Is there a reason why you allow him access to your car? Can you not afford tax, maintenance etc on your own and that's why? If that's so, what will happen when he's gone and not using it?

PPs are also correct in that you are no longer entitled to question how he spends (or earns) his money, other than doing what you can to ensure that CM is paid regularly and in the correct amount. If he wants to blow the rest on booze and hookers, that's his prerogative.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 26-Mar-17 20:24:58

ShowMe summed it up pretty well.

andshewillbeloved Sun 26-Mar-17 23:49:03

I know, thinking rationally, that what he does with his time and money is of course his business but at the same time in going to be the one explaining to dd where daddy is when she asks (because she does already even when it's only been a week). He's so stupid with money which makes me relieved I'm no longer with him but at the same time makes me worry for dd and what example he's setting for her.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 27-Mar-17 03:39:29

Your DD will also have your example of being wise with money and making thoughtful financial decisions. And she'll be able to see that following your example will lead to a happier existence.

I understand what you're saying, but at 2 she will stop asking questions as soon as his physical absence and whatever contact you arrange (Skype, etc) becomes 'the norm'. Think of Forces families who are separated for a year or more at a time. It's hard at first, but eventually the children adjust.

BarbaraofSeville Mon 27-Mar-17 04:29:32

The car thing sounds dodgy but him going away will solve that. If he's an ex, you're not obliged to fund his transport.

If he doesn't live with you any more does the insurance company know? If he was insured as your live in DH/P and he's now just a random who lives elsewhere in the insurance company's eyes, that will be a relevant change that they will expect to be told about.

If he's stupid with money he's unlikely to change especially as he's spending on expensive hotels while being in debt and not paying maintenance. Sounds like he needs advice on the debt. His priorities should be basic living costs including maintenance at least at the minimum CSA rate followed by debt repayment leaving not enough for extravagant spending. If he can't afford CSA plus debts, bankruptcy may be appropriate. He will still be required to pay maintenance afterwards but debt repayment will be lower so he won't be able to claim that he's skint.

financialiasco Mon 27-Mar-17 06:20:43

What absolutely ridiculous replies. Of course YANBU, but why don't you stop moaning about it and get on with being the responsible one who puts your dd first and let him get on with being a man - his needs/wants are more important than your dd's and don't you dare try and control him by reminding him of his responsibilities hmm.

Of course he shouldn't be blowing money on hotel rooms to 'entertain' women in while reducing his maintenance. Does your dd go without things to fund your expensive 'hobby'? Thought not. And I don't care if he still pays the legal minimum - it still makes him a shit parent imo. Yes, you could never say that to him as he would start bleating about control and privacy like pps did, but I'm not surprised it's pissed you off.

Try and have as little to do with him as possible (the car arrangement will just make you mad in the end), go down legal channels for your dd and try and take comfort in the fact that you are doing your best for your dd and she will realise that when she's older. thanks for you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 27-Mar-17 06:24:56

What an idiot. Work on the basis that he's not going to change. Is he working abroad or just away? I wonder whether he'll even pay the bare minimum child maintenance.

ShowMePotatoSalad Mon 27-Mar-17 07:02:21

financial at the end of your rant about PPs, the advice was exactly the same as virtually everyone else's....hmm

Livelovebehappy Mon 27-Mar-17 07:44:59

Agree not your business about what he spends his money on, or how he conducts his life. Just be thankful he's not your problem now, and sounds like you're well rid of him. However, YANBU if he is reducing the maintenance he should be paying you because of his spending habits. He should be paying you regularly, and the full amount, so I would say it is your business when it's affecting your dd's living standards. Make it clear to him he needs to pay you the expected and full amount of maintenance, then what he spends the rest on is entirely up to him. You shouldn't be subbing his tinder meetings, which you are currently doing via your maintenance.

NaiceBiscuits Mon 27-Mar-17 07:57:28

Look, they're called exes for a reason.

It's really frustrating when an Ex does this type of thing, and we had a right to comment when we were together, but we lost that right when we split. It's hard though sometimes.

When tempted to say something, I switch the positions: If I was in his position, would I really be OK with him questioning me over how I spend my money/[whatever the issue is]?

It also really helps once you accept who your Ex truly is. Hoping that he'll change or wishing he was different just makes you more frustrated. Once you can say, "typicial Ex" and expect no different from them, it gets easier.

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