I don't really feel anything for my mum

[ticandtoc]

My mum was an alcoholic when I was growing up. She has been sober for over 20 years and is doing brilliantly now. But during my teens she was always very abusive (while drunk), short-tempered and irritable when not. She used to go missing and we'd have to call the police to try and find her (our dad wasn't around).

In a way, that made me who I am. I am very independent, travelled the world, got a good job etc. And until now I haven't really ever had a problem with my childhood. I understand how people are, it wasn't my mum's fault etc.

However, last year my grandmother died. She used to live with my mum. They had a very very close relationship - I think it was almost unhealthy. My mum was an only child and it always felt like she had a closer relationship with her mum than she did with her kids.

Lately I have started to feel really angry towards my mother. I have two children who she never sees. She doesn't drive and has always used that as an excuse - that and my nan being poorly. But since my nan died she has been on three holidays with her husband - and has never once thought about coming to see us. She looked after my nan while she was poorly so I know that was stressful and I don't begrudge her having a nice time now - but I would have thought she would have included us in her plans.

I think of all the times I've struggled - all the times I've needed help and still need it. But I have had to be the one who makes the effort. Always buying nice presents for her birthday/mother's day - always being the one to visit her, to call her when she was upset. On the anniversary of my Nan's death I was feeling very upset but I made myself call my Mum because I thought she might be having a difficult day. Turns out she was out with my brother and her husband having tea and a lovely day out. (My brother lives closer to her - she moved further away from me - and has no wife or kids so can get to see her more easily).

Now I am just exhausted. Since my Nan died it's all been about how my mum feels about my Nan dying - forget how we (the grandchildren feel) - we have to worry about her and tread on eggshells around her feelings.

Sorry this is sounding like such a whinge - and it surprises me how badly I feel. I just felt really sick reading all the sickly-sweet Mother's Day cards in the shop and desperately tried to find one that wasn't a lie basically.

I just feel guilty that I don't actually feel any real love towards my mum. I love my kids to death and would do anything for them and just can't imagine not wanting to see them.


Anyway - sorry about the rant. I guess I am just trying to understand whether this is normal. Is it me being selfish and spoilt? Should I make more effort?

Thanks

[YourHandInMyHand]

I also search through the cards to find one that doesn't say
world's best mother / amazing mum / thanks for all you've done etc

I've gradually accepted my mum is who she is but I feel soo drained by her when I see her, or sad she isn't the mum my friends have, or at times so so angry with my childhood. I found it particularly hard in my son's early years when I realised how much love I had for him as his mum and made some startingly sad comparisons.

It's hard and you aren't abnormal or unreasonable to feel this way

[lavenderandrose]

I understand every word. I was nodding along. My mum died when I was in my teens and I feel nothing. It's sad but the idea of loving your mum is, to me, remote.