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Friend going through ivf

(10 Posts)
Walkthroughthefire Sat 25-Mar-17 21:48:37

My dear friend is currently undergoing ivf. We've been friends for a long time and she is so supportive and a true gem and I want to be there for her as much as possible despite us living 200 miles apart. Any advice on being supportive and tactful. My aibu is: would it be unreasonable to ask her to be godmother to our dd? She's so generous to our children and she means a lot to me but if it's insensitive I don't want to add more pain. Ps how the bloody hell do you paragraph on the app?!

Laura2507 Sat 25-Mar-17 22:25:22

Hi Walkthrough,

Sounds like you are both very close friends.
How old is your dc? Is there a specific reason why you are thinking of asking now?

I've also been through IVF but made the decision to do it as a solo parent as I'm 35 and not in a relationship. I've been asked to be godparent to a couple of friend's children and will be bridesmaid for the fourth time this year.

My point is that whilst my own situation has been tough and not what I thought it would turn out to be, it does not stop me from being truly happy for my friends and wanting to be part of their lives. I'm very touched when I'm asked to a special part of their lives, regardless of my own situation. So I don't think it's insensitive at all to ask.

If she is currently doing the meds she may be feeling a bit rubbish physically and a bit drained so maybe do some TLC support for the next few weeks. Might be worth considering just holding off a bit until she is feeling brighter before asking her. If it naturally comes up in conversation though then just go for it.

Justanotherusername99 Sat 25-Mar-17 22:28:44

I think that's a lovely thought but it could go either way, depending on how she is coping with her infertility. I would wait until you know the outcome of her IVF before speaking to her about it (if she gets a BFP she may be receptive to the idea of being a godparent, but if she gets a BFN she may want to avoid children/child-focussed events/chat about children for quite some time). It really is such a sensitive issue.

Grenoble124 Sat 25-Mar-17 22:37:55

Been through ivf. Send her flowers. Keep ib touch during 2ww and don't ask about result until she tells you. I would hold off on godmother bit.

nokidshere Sat 25-Mar-17 22:42:05

I am godmother to 3 children from different families and I was going through fertility treatment for 15 years.

Whilst I love being godmother and was always touched to be asked, a small part of me used to think that it was only because they felt sorry for me. Of course that's not the case at all.

Ask her if you would have asked her if she wasn't going through ivf.

Coastalcommand Sat 25-Mar-17 22:42:59

We had IVF. Amazingly it worked first time. Id love to have been a godmother, especially with a friend as kind as you. xx

Trumpssyrup Sat 25-Mar-17 23:32:21

I went through ivf. I was never jealous of others although i think that makes me a minority. I would have been thrilled to be asked! I vote do it. She'll love it and you!

bigmac4me Sun 26-Mar-17 16:53:51

Having been through many unsuccessful attempts at IVF, I found it the loneliest time of my life.

Had anyone asked me to be a godmother to their children I would have burst with happiness. I found that well meaning friends always kept their children away from me. I could be hateful and horrible in order to get by, but underneath I just craved the company of a friend that understood, and a friend that understood with their children would have helped me so very much.

Just understand that her emotions will be extreme, due not just to the emotional situation but the practicality of being stuffed full of hormones.

You sound a wonderful friend. I wish I had known you back then. Drop her a message to say anytime she needs to talk you are there, but equally if she needs time to herself you will respect that also.

Walkthroughthefire Sun 26-Mar-17 21:13:01

Thank you for the kind replies. Sorry you've experienced this, I can only imagine.
I definitely would ask her if she hadn't needed ivf, she's such a kind person, a great role model for dd.
My wee girl is 5 months, we'd be planning her ceremony for her 1st birthday so plenty time.
Their 1st attempt sadly failed, they're due to start another in the next few weeks so should I do it before then?

Newtothis2017 Sun 26-Mar-17 21:53:54

I did iui and ivf. I would have loved my friend to call and ask how I was. My best friend!!! never once asked me anything. The only person other than my dm was my boss and she turned out to be amazing during that very difficult time. Ask her to be godmother. I am sure she will be delighted to be asked. I would have been.

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