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AIBU to want to push her to press charges?

(19 Posts)
AllieBomBally Sat 25-Mar-17 21:47:52

I'll try and put enough info in this to avoid drip feeding. My DD (18) was assaulted by her boyfriend (23) at Uni, she called us in the early hours in distress so my husband and I drove down to get her, we only live an hour away. Her bf was drunk, they started arguing when he accused her of cheating on him, he was grabbing her and pushing her around it got very loud and campus security were called. Once they had checked everything was 'ok' they left. He then locked the door (they were in his room, they both live in halls, next door to each other) and it escalated to the point where he had her pinned on the bed with his hands around her throat, he let go when she started choking but didn't let her leave until he'd spat in her face and called her a few choice names. Firstly she said she didn't want to report it, I took her to campus security and they took a statement. Once we got her home I convinced her to report it to the police, I made the initial call but she spoke to them at the station but has yet to give a formal statement. The bf has been sending her texts, ranging from admitting he did it because he was angry, no apology, to denying he's done anything wrong. I took her phone from her. DD is now saying she wishes she hadn't said anything and that it's all been blown out of proportion as it was 'just a drunken row'. I'm really cross that she's allowing him to manipulate her, it's textbook DV but she can't see it. She's got to go back to complete exams so either my husband or I are going to go down and stay with her to ensure she's safe but she has said she wants to handle it herself. I'm so concerned that she's going to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it hasn't happened. What is more, he is one of a group that she has signed up to share a house with next year, do I insist she make other arrangements? WIBU to pressure her to make a statement and press charges? We're barely speaking at the moment and I don't want to get into a position where she won't tell me if something else happens.

AmoIsNoLongerEmo Sat 25-Mar-17 22:19:35

Oh I'm so sorry for your daughter and yourself. flowers I feel for her because I was in a similar situation when I was the same age. I never told anyone how bad it was though until 2 days after he raped me. You cannot really force her but I would just be very frank about DV and how dangerous it is. I didn't want to call the police at first with my ex and what got me to was someone I worked with told me "I don't want you coming into work with a black eye or a broken arm. And what about the next girl? If you don't report it it'll just keep happening to you or other girls." That killed me. I felt I had a responsibility to report it to help other girls in the future.

ThePiglet59 Sat 25-Mar-17 22:23:04

He's a nasty abusive cunt, and she probably can't see it.
She is 18 though, so I doubt that you can do anything but wait until it all plays out and pick up the pieces.

Can't DH go down and give him a bit of a smack?
That's what I would do.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Sat 25-Mar-17 22:29:48

WIBU to pressure her to make a statement and press charges?

That makes you abusive also

CatsRidingRollercoasters Sat 25-Mar-17 22:35:41

I really feel for you and her. What an awful situation. I don't think you can force her to press charges, although I hope she does.

I think you need to keep her on side so she knows there's no pressure coming from you and she feels safe to confide in you.

Any big burly blokes in your family who can speak plainly to this arsehole?

Does she have good friends who will look out for her?

flowers for you all.

Dawndonnaagain Sat 25-Mar-17 22:38:43

There's a thread in relationships where a woman says that she got lucky because she got away from her abusive ex. He's in prison for murdering his wife now. This isn't a drunken row. She needs to know that, can you get in touch with your local women's aid so that someone independent can counsel her?

ZilphasHatpin Sat 25-Mar-17 22:40:03

From what I know from MN I think the police can go ahead and prosecute without her pressing charges. They can take a statement from you and your DH and from campus security.

BloodyEatSomething Sat 25-Mar-17 22:43:07

Good grief, not surprised you're worried. Can you remind her how many women get killed by their partners in domestic violence? It doesn't matter whether drink was involved or not, someone who can have their hands around your neck and choking you is dangerous to know.

ChasedByBees Sat 25-Mar-17 22:44:01

WIBU to pressure her to make a statement and press charges?

That makes you abusive also

No it really doesn't. Don't be ridiculous.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 25-Mar-17 22:51:29

She is barely an adult... If it was my dd I would take it out her hands and take it all the way. .
How she comes out of this relationship will be the basis of her future with men. She needs to come out on top, strong and supported.
Sounds like you can really be there for her. .

nocoolnamesleft Sat 25-Mar-17 23:15:54

Hands around throat = increased risk of killing her next time.

Help support her so that the fucking bastard doesn't get that chance.

BloodyEatSomething Sat 25-Mar-17 23:27:13

It is worrying that you are barely on speaking terms and you say you are really cross with her. Why be cross with her? She's unfortunately stumbled across an arse, there's enough of them about. You need to let her know that you are worried, because you care about her. Let her know that someone has her back. It will be difficult for you, but having anger between you both will not help at this time.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain Sun 26-Mar-17 00:40:10

He could have so easily killed her. This will have shaken her badly and even if it's only subconsciously she will also know this but doesn't want to face that very scary fact. Support her all you can being angry with her is not the way to go. Help her to access counselling which will help her realise this was a bad relationship, that behaviour is not normal even when drunk and she shouldn't minimise or accept it for a quiet life. She is as deserving of respect as any other human being. This may help her to pass on a subsequent poor relationship just because it's not as bad as the last one was. Her boundaries and twat radar are going to need realigning.

Bodear Sun 26-Mar-17 00:56:02

I've been in your daughter's situation. My mum reacted as you are. However, she couldn't stop me going back and when I did our relationship soured further and she cut contact with me (not that I felt I could talk to her anyway). That left me in an abusive relationship with no one to turn to. I stayed for 2 more years and he destroyed my self esteem even further.
Your daughter is an adult, albeit a young one. You cannot, and should not, control her. You can, and I believe should, be there for her, giving her a loving and safe space to come back whenever she needs it, where she will find no judgement. That is the quickest way out of this.
To take matters out of her hands will not prevent her from seeing this man and may drive them closer together.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 26-Mar-17 08:03:59

It's very important that you stay on good terms. You not being on speaking terms is the worst thing that could be happening right now and it still doesn't mean that she'll be reporting it. She should report it, but you can't make her and she needs some support and compassion, feeling isolated is exactly the sort of thing that will push her back towards this prick.

I'm really sorry this happened to your daughter, but getting cross at her isn't making anything better.

Kissesgingers Sun 26-Mar-17 08:11:38

Ask your daughter to inform student support or whatever the pastoral care is called at her Uni. They will give a "just slightly removed" but still caring (anti-DV) perspective and will be able to advocate for her.

Justanothernameonthepage Sun 26-Mar-17 08:27:57

Please buy her www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Encourage her to talk to someone (aunt/godmother?) Who won't push her but will ask other questions and help her see she has options. Find her a different place to live but give her the choice.

Also ask her to read the first comment on this thread captainawkward.com/2012/01/09/question-169-my-dad-hit-me/

WallisFrizz Sun 26-Mar-17 08:35:15

Encourage to report it but respect her wishes if she doesn't want to.

If you alienate her she will never tell you about any further incidents and you need to keep this line of communication clear.

The absolute most important thing you do sort out though is that her accommodation for next year is sorted so she is not living with him.

Can you back off the police angle but ask that she looks at alternatives for next year?

picklemepopcorn Sun 26-Mar-17 08:52:41

Her planned housemates need to know about his behaviour as well.

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