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To ask if you live far away from your parents...

(30 Posts)
Fitzsimmons Sat 25-Mar-17 20:00:55

If you live far away from your parents, how do you split the visits. I.e. How often do you visit them compared to how often they visit you.

I have two preschool aged children. My parents are divorced and remarried, so I have two sets. One set live abroad so we see them as and when we can (about once a year). My other set live about 200 miles away and we see them about 9-10 times a year. I think about 1/3 of the time they come to us, the rest of the time we go to them.

DH's parents live 400 miles away. We tend to visit them about three or four times a year. They have only visited us three times in the six years we have lived here.

AIBU in thinking that in the case of my parents who live in the UK, and even more so with DH's parents, this is unfair? There are no health issues with any of them, all drive and own good cars. In many ways it's probably easier for them to visit us as both my DM and MIL are part time and they don't have young children to ferry about. Both sets travel for other reasons regularly, and both sets have a tendency to pile on the guilt when they haven't seen us for a while. Furthermore, we live in a top tourist destination so there is lots to see and do!

Or is the norm that adult children do most of the travelling?

(I'm cheesed off because we are getting pressured to visit the in-laws again when they haven't been here for over a year, and have just found out that they are taking a trip elsewhere in the UK for a holiday).

zozozoo Sat 25-Mar-17 20:03:48

One trip each per year. But if they can't then we will anyway

JohnLapsleyParlabane Sat 25-Mar-17 20:05:03

My parents live 700 miles away. In laws less than 100 miles away. Both come to us about 90% of visits. I don't think it's fair on DD to take her out of her routine too often. Before we had DD we alternated visits.

EggysMom Sat 25-Mar-17 20:06:50

You're not the only one in this situation. My parents can drive for 6 hours to get to Devon for a week's holiday, but don't seem to want to drive for 2 hrs (& 2 hrs back) to come and visit me, my DP and our son. Like you, I suspect they think that the "younger generation" should do the driving when it comes to family visits.

I don't however argue the point with them, as I'm quite happy not to see them very often; we have a good surface relationship but it doesn't go very deep. Maybe they feel the same and this is why the don't visit us! I am taking our son over to see them during the school holidays as I feel it's important that they have a grandparent/ grandchild relationship.

So we see my parents about twice a year, and DP's mother two or three times a year (but she has a huge family and is disabled so cannot travel to us).

Justanothernameonthepage Sat 25-Mar-17 20:12:23

We live around 150 miles away from IL's who are divorced. We travel there twice a year, MIL comes down 3 times a year and we meet her in the middle 3/4 times a year. FIL comes 1 time every 18 months and we see him on at least on of the visits there. FIL is a Facebook GP - he likes to make posts and share pics and be tagged, but never calls or makes much of an effort. I'm a bad DIL as I won't be FB friends with him or write gushing posts and thank you cards for when he sends Christmas presents.

Xmasbaby11 Sat 25-Mar-17 20:13:25

my DP live 40 miles away and PIL about 60 miles away. We split the visits but it depends on lots of things, e.g. I sometimes go to my parents' with the kids but no DH if he is on call. But neither lives a long way away so the driving isn't an issue.

I don't enjoy visiting PIL as their house is small and we all share a bedroom so nobody sleeps well. Also they aren't very hands on with the DC.

We have enough room for them to come here, and it is easier for the kids, but means a lot of work for me with extra people to cook for and prepare bedroom etc. I am just happy to see them all regularly TBH as they are all in their late seventies and luckily still in good health - long may it last.

PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus Sat 25-Mar-17 20:18:55

My parents live about 100 miles away and come to us more often than we go to them for a variety of reasons - my DH is disabled; they're retired whereas I work FT; they both get free rail travel, and we live in a popular tourist destination with lots to do.

Welshrainbow Sat 25-Mar-17 20:23:52

My parents live about 100 miles away they have been up three times for my graduations, once for my wedding and once when DS was born. My mum also came alone once to go wedding dress shopping. So total of 5-6 times in 12 years.

SheepyFun Sat 25-Mar-17 20:26:27

We are 250 miles from my parents. Our reluctance to travel more than once a year has spurred my (retired, healthy, car owning) parents to visit about twice more, with my dad visiting on his own maybe another time as well. They have lots of space, we have a spare room. I'm comfortable with the frequency of visits. I would be very unwilling (and that's putting it politely!) to travel 9-10 times a year. We probably see the in-laws which require travel 5-6 times a year, but that means a long day trip which we find much easier than staying overnight.

In short, YANBU

Outbackshack Sat 25-Mar-17 20:26:44

Mine live 200 miles away. See them every 8 weeks or so. Often them coming to us and we have two young dc. We tend to do maybe 3/4 visits a year to them usually Easter, summer and near Christmas plus sometimes a long weekend . They are both fit and more than happy to drive up

AtiaoftheJulii Sat 25-Mar-17 20:28:33

My parents live 200 miles and come here more than we go there, mostly due to work (they're retired) - they live in a nice place and I'd love to get there more often. When we go there we stay longer though.

I went to theirs in October half term and we're going again in the May half term. They've been to us three or four times in between.

Screwinthetuna Sat 25-Mar-17 20:30:20

Both mine and DH's parents live abroad. Mine come home once a year (we'd love to go there but can't afford it, more of a once every few years thing) and we go to see DH's family who live in Europe a couple of times a year. They don't really come here ever.

Eminybob Sat 25-Mar-17 20:30:31

My mum lives a plane ride away. She visits twice a year and stays with us. I tend to go to her less frequently as although I'd love to as it's where I grew up and I have friends there, it's very expensive and would have to get a hotel if I was going with dh and ds. We can get a proper holiday for the same price so I can't justify it.

My dad lives a 4 hour drive away and we go to his about once a year and can stay with him. He comes to our end a couple of times a year as his side of family are close to where I live.

I love both my parents to bits but only in small doses so I'm quite happy as it stands.

hazelnutlatte Sat 25-Mar-17 20:37:02

My parents are 150 miles away and we see them 5-6 times a year. It's probably about a 50% split as to who does the traveling. They are happy to come to us to save us from travelling with our small dc, but we go to them too as we then have a chance to catch up with extended family who are local to them, plus a few of my old friends who still live in the area.
My IL's are about 250 miles away and we see them about 3 times a year. In the past 5 years we have traveled only once to them, the rest of the time they come to us, or we go away for a weekend together somewhere half way. This is because they live in a tiny 1 bed bungalow so there is nowhere for us to stay, plus my dh has no connections to the area so no reason to want to visit, plus we don't really want to do a 250 mile drive with small kids.

iMatter Sat 25-Mar-17 20:43:32

My parents are 450 miles away. In laws 200 miles away.

See my parents a couple of times a year max. In laws about the same.

PNGirl Sat 25-Mar-17 20:49:19

My parents are 220 miles north in a nice part of Yorkshire, DH's 180 north-east in Lincolnshire which we both detest. I'd say we manage 5 a year - his parents like to come over this way so do maybe 3 a year while we do 1. My parents it's usually 3 times at theirs and twice at ours. In some ways though I feel like we moved away, so maybe it's fair that we should travel most?

Sgtmajormummy Sat 25-Mar-17 20:49:27

Until they were in their 70s my parents would fly 2hrs to visit me every 12/18 months and I would do 2 weeks at theirs in the summer.

Then it became annual visits self catering nearby as they couldn't cope with us all.
And then I had a few years making emergency visits alone for different reasons sad.

golfbuggy Sat 25-Mar-17 20:51:32

My parents have recently moved about 200 miles away so wondering about this myself. Another question to throw into the mix is for longer distances you clearly can't go there and back in a day so where do you /your parents stay? There isn't really room for my parents to stay with us and I don't think they will be happy to get a hotel, so what do you do...?

Feckitall Sat 25-Mar-17 20:53:07

25 miles from DM on my side..we see each other a couple times a year..she has not seen DC in years..and has met eldest DGC once and the others not at all.
On DH side DHs DM was 75 miles met our DC once or twice and never met DGC.

EssentialHummus Sat 25-Mar-17 20:54:12

International here - 5ish hours away. I come twice a year; they've been once in 10 years.

rainbowsockstoday Sat 25-Mar-17 20:54:38

We live an hour and a bit from my parents and to be honest go there more than they come here. However they come up here from time to time and DON'T visit me and dc so I think sod them!

Kitsandkids Sat 25-Mar-17 20:57:21

I'm about 300 miles from my mum. I go to see her once or twice a year. She comes to see me about 4 times a year. There are other family members around my way though so her visits are to see lots of people whereas mine are just to see her.

IndigoSister Sat 25-Mar-17 21:21:37

Dad lives 700 miles away we visit once a year for about a week, he visits here for a day or so once or twice a year.

Mum lives a 4 hour car journey away. We visit 2 or 3 times a year for a few days, she visits about once a year (doesn't drive and has some mobility issues).

MIL lives about an hours drive from us. We visit once or twice a year for a few hours (DH & her do not get on very well), she visits for a couple of days over Christmas. Again she has mobility issues and doesn't drive.

Dogivemeabreak Sat 25-Mar-17 21:23:55

4,000 miles. Lived abroad for 35 years. I go once a year. A couple of years in and the parents realized we weren't coming back to live, plucked up courage and actually flew here, they then came for a month every year, until about 6 years ago then the sheer magnitude of the trip became to much for them. I come back every year. Grown kids fly back to see them every couple of years.

SlB09 Sat 25-Mar-17 21:31:06

Ive found the usual with me my husband and our friends all of whom live away from parents the rule tends to be - you moved away so you do the visiting - type thought. Plus if you moved away for uni it seems that the pattern of you 'going home' continues right through! But some parents really dont want to interfere, interrupt or be a burden on your life by visiting and unless you openly discuss it theyll never know that its something youd like to change. I do get sick of doing the rounds of visiting but sometimes its also nice to have the excuse to leave!

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