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DD thinks I'm v v v U. DH thinks I'm a bit U. I'm interested in your views

(276 Posts)
chastenedButStillSmiling Fri 24-Mar-17 23:59:29

DD is 15, and I start her bedtime process at 9 (to be clear, her bedtime process is private and involves only her - we don't bath her any more! But 9 is when I tell her it's bedtime). It takes her about 3/4 hour to be in the bathroom at night (5 mins in the mornings!), so the time she goes to bed is regularly about 9:45 pm.

She has sporting activities on both weekend days, which require her to be at the site, breakfasted and in kit at 7:45 (Saturday am) and 9:00 (Sunday am). She LOVES these activities.

But because she has to be there so early, I keep her w/end bedtime similar to her weekday one.

I should also say, DH (bless him!) doesn't drive, so I have to facilitate all these activities. (don't turn on DH... he's an amazing dad in a gazillion ways. He just hasn't got a driving licence. But he does LOADS, including most of the cooking for her, and he makes up the lack of his driving to me where he can)

DD thinks it's outrageous I tell her to go to bed so early during the week and she's beyond furious I also do it at weekends.

But she gets really, really tired. And she leads a very physical life. She does LOTS of sport.

On the other hand, I also facilitate everything for her... I take her and collect her to EVERYTHING and usually stay to watch and cheer her on (DH often comes along to do this too). And I facilitate her social life massively (partly because she's an only child, so I don't have to split my time). So a typical conversation on a Saturday day might be
Her I'm going into town but don't know whether to cycle or take the bus
Me why don't you cycle and if you need a lift home [because it's dark and you've got not lights/would be cycling alone], call me and I'll put your bike in the back of the car

I'm also very generous about lifts for her friends. She has a new-ish set of friends, so it's different to when they were all at primary and all the mums stood together on the playground. Back then, the kids would come out saying things like "we can join guides!" or "here's a leaflet about a hockey club, and I really want to do it" and all the mums would have a quick conflab, and lift-shares would be organised in the twinkling of an eye and it was always pretty fair.
Now she's got a new set of friends, who don't all live as locally and I don't know the parents (very well). Plus in her group of around 6, 2 of them are single mums due to bereavement of their DH's (which seems like a high statistic to me, but is the actual fact) or have other siblings which means that they can't leave them home alone.
So I do a LOT of driving her 'crew' home after parties/events during holidays and stuff and it's late. 10, 11, after midnight. And I'm generous about welcoming children who need a lift and dropping them at their doors. DD appreciates these moments when they happen, but doesn't retain that gratitude or bank it for later!

When she's not got to get up, I don't send her to bed. And when she can, she'll sleep for 12 hours plus (for day after day). I understand that teenagers do need to sleep, so when I'm sending her to bed, I'm not the bitch she thinks I am... I'm just trying to facilitate the rest I know think she needs.

She thinks I'm V U to tell her to go to bed. And not respecting her age and stage.
My DH kind-of agrees with her. And points out to me that other parents don't send their kids to bed. I point out that (a) if I don't tell her to go, she never makes the adult decision that "oh, I'm tired... I should go to bed now" or "I need an early night" and (b) other kids don't have to be up as early as her on weekends. So they have opportunities to catch up on their sleep that my DD doesn't have except in school holidays.

I think she needs the sleep. And I think I demonstrate over and over again that I help her do the things she wants to do.

The backstory (so as not to dripfeed) is that DD was an early riser from birth. Once she slept through, she woke up early. Really bloody early. (we read books, we tried methods.... nothing trained her out of it) but she slept the MOMENT her head hit that pillow. And it used to get to a particular point in the evenings, and you'd just see the tiredness sweeping over her... she'd go white, get black shadows under her eyes, be all weepy and not able to cope. Her waking gradually got later and later over the years (from regularly at 4 am to us being pleased she didn't wake until 5 and then didn't wake until nearly six [that phase lasted a good couple of years] and finally she learned to sleep in til around 7). At 10 she finally learned the art of sleeping in.... I think she learned to drop off again, rather than waking up and being all "I IS AWAAAAAKE". So to an extent, I carry that history with me.

So, should I back off? And let her choose her bedtime? She's on her GCSE course, so she needs to be alert in school.

but I will take your guidance.

Thanks for listening, and sorry it's long.

PickAChew Sat 25-Mar-17 00:02:39

Yes, you should back off!

PaulAnkaTheDog Sat 25-Mar-17 00:03:15

DD is 15, and I start her bedtime process at 9

I've heard it all now. Back the fuck off. Seriously. This entire thread is mad. Just. Wow....

saoirse31 Sat 25-Mar-17 00:03:48

How will she ever ever learn to go to bed when she needs to?? You sound like you need to give her a bit of space tbh.

ImperialBlether Sat 25-Mar-17 00:04:03

Why don't you give her a month where she does it her way. If she's not up and ready, you won't remind her. If she's late for school, tough on her. Let her see the consequences.

JigglyTuff Sat 25-Mar-17 00:04:09

That's very long but yeah, I think you're being a bit unreasonable. She goes to bed 1/2 an hour later than my 10YO!

And he stays up later Friday/Saturday. Granted he has no early activities but it's the weekend.

Also she needs to start learning to manage her own sleep to an extent. Kindly, I think you're babying her a bit.

NoCapes Sat 25-Mar-17 00:04:12

Jeeeeeersus that was a lot of words

But yes, back off a bit
At 15 my curfew was 10:30, and your DD had to start getting ready for bed at 9! Seems very very early to me

PaulAnkaTheDog Sat 25-Mar-17 00:04:49

And for fucks sake! We don't need your teenage daughters sleep history as a toddler as a 'backstory'. That's not a backstory. That was her as a toddler. Seriously, I actually find this really rather strange and a bit unnerving.

ImperialBlether Sat 25-Mar-17 00:05:07

What's wrong with that, PaulAnka? It takes her hours to get to bed!

khajiit13 Sat 25-Mar-17 00:05:22

You can't tell a 15 year old when to go to sleep. Send her to her room, no devices?if you must, Ok. But you can't do more than that. Leave her. At 15 I'd be crazy if my mum was still dictating my bedtime. Leave her be and she will learn

rubberducker Sat 25-Mar-17 00:05:24

I hear what you're saying and know your intentions are good but yes, at 15 YABVU to dictate your DD's bedtime. Even if it means that she spends a few weeks being dog tired because she makes the wrong choices. She will learn. You need to back off.

DaisyBlameless Sat 25-Mar-17 00:05:29

Back off.

She's 15 wink

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Sat 25-Mar-17 00:05:46

I'd let her stay up a bit later on Saturday. Friday can stay as it is, due to the really early start, but she could stay up an hour later on the Saturday?

RedHelenB Sat 25-Mar-17 00:06:05

Yabu. She is old enough to make her own decisions regarding bedtime

FlyingElbows Sat 25-Mar-17 00:06:46

Good lord you can tell she's an only child! Back off, op, and let the kid breathe.

TipBoov Sat 25-Mar-17 00:07:05

Yes, back off! My parents were really strict and I was always the one with the earliest curfew, but when i was 15, i didn't have to be home until 10:30!

TheSnowFairy Sat 25-Mar-17 00:07:12

So what happens when she moves out / goes to uni etc? You going to go with her to ensure she rests? hmm

Yes, back off. She needs to make her own decisions and that way she will learn.

HunkyDory69 Sat 25-Mar-17 00:07:41

Agree with Jigglystuff. She has to learn...it's a part of her growing up and self determination, and she has to learn for herself.

sykadelic Sat 25-Mar-17 00:07:43

Honestly, I would let her do it herself... with some provisos. Tell her you'll give it a test run. That you want her to be more independent but that also means x, y and z. My provisos would be that she needs to get no later than X on a weekend. That she still needs to do her chores. That you won't be sneaking around trying to be quiet when the rest of the house is awake, etc etc.

She has to learn some day, and learning earlier rather than when she's at Uni and celebrating her ability to go to bed whenever she wants and therefore missing classes etc.

She is 15. She needs to learn to set her own alarms and realise her own limitations.

DonaldStott Sat 25-Mar-17 00:07:45

Yes. I think yab so u.

If she is too tired for her hobbies at the weekend because she wanted to stay up past 9pm, then that's her look out.

Let her set her alarm and wake you up 10mins before she needs a lift.

If my mum tried to tell me to go to bet early on a Friday night when I was 15, I would have been upset, angry, belittled, and patronised.

WindyBottoms Sat 25-Mar-17 00:07:53

You can't make decisions about a 15yr-old's bedtime based on how they slept/woke up when they were small. confused

She at least deserves the chance to have a go at working out for herself when she needs to go to bed. Are you still going to be starting "her bedtime process" when she's 18? If not, when exactly are you planning to give it up?

Lochan Sat 25-Mar-17 00:09:26

I don't know how she gets all her homework and studying done by 9pm frankly.

When I was 15 lights out was 11pm. And my parents were strict.

I stopped working at 10pm and had an hour free before bed.

I think Imperial's advice is sound.

(btw how good a Mum and Dad you two are is nothing to do with what time she should be going to bed.)

Broccolirevolution Sat 25-Mar-17 00:11:41

Jésus, I'm a bad mam. Of no shock

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Sat 25-Mar-17 00:11:41

The school my teen goes to is very academic and has asked us to have a set no-internet/online/no screens time in the week, they suggest 9 pm as a good time to switch screens off to encourage a good amount of sleep. I've found that works well, as they can then faff and take their time about going to bed, but it does happen earlier than if they are allowed to text into the wee small hours. I think taking phones/internet off teens on a week night is fine.

Fri/Sat could she not go later/decide for herself?

BackforGood Sat 25-Mar-17 00:11:52

I think YANBU.
You've put people's peckers up with your first sentence - should have just said "I tell her to go to bed" grin
However, she is getting up really really early on both weekend mornings, and, as a teen, needs sleep.

I have a 15 yr old who goes to bed later than that, but doesnt have to out as early on Sat and Sun

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