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Would it be unreasonable to leave for these reasons?

(79 Posts)
Chipshopninja Fri 24-Mar-17 15:22:38

I'm hoping writing this down will help me sort through it...or it could just make me feel worse. Let's see!

I'm going to try and keep it short too.

Been with OH for 11 years. We have one DD who is 6. We own our house.

There are a few issues in a relationship ship that looks perfect from the outside.

1. His temper. He can lose it very easily. Never been violent with me but has been overly rough with DD on 2 occasions. Last occasion was a year ago. DD was kicking up a fuss about something and he pushed her over. He also shouts at other drivers on the road, snaps at me with little provocation sometimes ruining events that should be enjoyable my birthday and Christmas tree shopping spring to mind.

2. Emotional affair?? A few years ago just after I'd had traumatic birth of DD he got very friendly with a woman in his office. Lots of flirty behavior to the point where people thought they were a couple/sleeping together. I told him how uncomfortable it made me and he said he wouldn't choose between us if I asked him to (he's since said he phrased it wrong and didn't mean it like that) he continued to meet up with her and I found texts which made me very uncomfortable. Nothing serial more like "have you put those photos up yet. Bet we make a good looking couple" I know nothing physical happened but I believe he wanted it to. Then I had to go into hospital for medical termination and he took my DD and spent the day with this woman. I only found out after. They don't see each other as much now as her and partner have had a baby so she's not on night out and stuff.

3. My anxiety. It's bad at times and he struggles to deal with it. Recently he said if it didn't get better soon he would leave and take my DD. He said I wouldn't get custody (have since checked with my GP who said that was bollocks)

4. I cheated on him with an ex. Just once and I told him straight away. He was gutted but said if I promised I would never do it again he could forgive me. I cut contact with OM and haven't spoken since. That was about 6 weeks ago. OM was primarily a friend and I miss him.

5. Main issue. I just don't find him attractive anymore. He hasn't changed in looks but for the last year I have avoided sex as much as possible. I go to bed a long time before or after him so that he doesn't try it on. I'm running out of excuses when he does. The last time we DTD was the night I told him I had cheated. It felt like he was marking his territory, very intense and I felt a bit violated afterwards (it was consensual though)

I do love him, we are friends and have a laugh. But I just don't feel in love with him anymore.
I feel terrible for feeling like this. He deserves better
I don't want to hurt him and I DONT want to only see my DD 50% of the time. But I don't know if I can carry on like this for much longer.

Any advice appreciated.

TotalPineapple Fri 24-Mar-17 15:34:30

Could you they counselling to see if staying together is what you both want and work on it?

As it stands I think you're better off apart.

blackteasplease Fri 24-Mar-17 15:39:27

Yes. For any one of those issues it would be sensible to leave.

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Mar-17 15:41:41

At the point where you were in hospital and he took your daughter out with his friend, I would have dumped him.

It's not fidelity if he wanted to sleep with her and she refused.

He sounds disgusting, tbh.

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Mar-17 15:42:08

Sorry, meant to say and when he pushed her over I would have kicked him out into the street.

neonrainbow Fri 24-Mar-17 15:45:47

You should just end it. Dysfunctional on so many levels. You can hardly moan about his emotional affair when you had an actual affair. Think about what you're modelling for your child about relationships and have the guts to end it for her sake.

OlennasWimple Fri 24-Mar-17 15:47:34

It's not that he deserves better, it's that you (and your DD) deserve better.

Factorysettings Fri 24-Mar-17 15:48:00

I don't think that there's any coming back from that. It sounds awful.

isupposeitsverynice Fri 24-Mar-17 15:48:52

Are you anxious because he's a violent dickhead by any chance?

why are you concerned about hurting him when he is so unfazed by hurting you and dd?

He deserves very little nice things, unlike you and dd who deserve much, much better.

Get gone and don't look back - you'll probably have dd more than him anyway, his sort often can't be bothered after a split. I would bet my life savings (if I had any) that your mental health will improve massively once you're no longer tipetoeing round a twat of the highest order

Euphemia Fri 24-Mar-17 15:50:04

There are a lot of reasons there to end it. It is not a happy, functional relationship.

I suggest you get this thread moved over to Relationships for some proper advice.

HeyCat Fri 24-Mar-17 15:50:57

I'm sorry, I only read as far as he pushed your daughter over. I'd have left then.

jay55 Fri 24-Mar-17 15:51:06

Surely 1 is a major part of your anxiety and a good enough reason to go.

Liskee Fri 24-Mar-17 15:51:44

I think the point at which you slept with someone else is the point at which your relationship ended. The underlying current of anger or violence is also extremely worrying. IMO you're best off walking away.

Universitychallenging Fri 24-Mar-17 15:52:06

You should move this thread to relationships.

I think you should leave for any reason you choose. You have no need to give anyone a reason other than I'm not happy this isn't working for me.

Chipshopninja Fri 24-Mar-17 16:53:27

Thanks for your replies so far.

Just to clarify I didn't have sex with the other guy, not that that makes it any less cheating.

The problem is the bad stuff he's done was so long ago that I don't feel justified leaving now.

90% of the time he's a great guy and very loving to me and DD

OH I have posted in relation ships BTW but not much response

neonrainbow Fri 24-Mar-17 17:15:39

Why would you stay?

highinthesky Fri 24-Mar-17 17:17:07

How many more reasons are you going to add to this list before you call it quits?

Chipshopninja Fri 24-Mar-17 17:26:02

Neon rainbow I know it's a cliché but I feel I should stay for DD to give her a stable home. She loves her dad very very much

Whatsername17 Fri 24-Mar-17 17:32:48

If my husband pushed my dd over in temperature I'd leave. Your relationship is not a healthy one, but you are only hurting each other. Lashing out at a child is not ok. Not ever.

Whatsername17 Fri 24-Mar-17 17:33:02

Temper^

Chipshopninja Fri 24-Mar-17 17:39:49

We were away on holiday when it happened.

I've though so many times since I should have left when it happened.

I feel like I'm waiting for him to do something bad and then I'll have a valid reason.

I found myself wishing he would have an affair so the break up wouldn't be my fault. I know that's awful

LoriD Fri 24-Mar-17 17:41:05

It sounds like yous really need to sit down and talk this through with him.

If you stay together then you need to do it because you both want too and not because of your dc.

Foslady Fri 24-Mar-17 17:52:15

Had to check I hadn't posted this years ago - youvare living what was my life, even to the age of your daughter. Instead of me leaving he did with the OW of the emotional affair. Life is so much calmer now and my dd is so much happier than she would have been if he'd have stayed - we both walked on egg shells for years, her all her life. You need no justification - he's justified his credentials enough

Chipshopninja Fri 24-Mar-17 19:38:22

Foslady were you no longer attracted to your oh?

He wouldn't leave for ow from emotional affair. She's in a very happy relationship and honestly think she saw him as a friend and some harmless flirting.

I find myself day dreaming about a little 2 bed terraced with just me DD and the dog. I don't think I would want another relationship with anyone. I'd be happy on my own

Daydream007 Fri 24-Mar-17 19:43:55

He is abusive. Pushing your daughter over is disgusting and he treats you like dirt. For those reasons alone and for the sake of your DD, get out of that toxic relationship.

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