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AIBU to be unhappy in my marriage?

(24 Posts)
user1490361586 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:41:11

Been together 8 years now. Expecting number 4 in June.

He is always so wrapped up in work-he can't seem to switch off and when he comes home it's all he talks about. I feel so lonely after a day at home with the kids alone. He has zero interest in me or the pregnancy (much wanted baby)
Our sex life is non existent. The rare time it happens he doesn't seem into it or like he cares if I enjoy it. This has been a bone of contention for years-he hasn't no sex drive and I am the only one who seems to bring up the topic. Usually starts with an argument and ends with him saying it'll change (never does) I feel so unloved

I'm shattered too and he never helps around the house (I'm a sahm) just a bit of help would be nice, such as tidying up after himself.

He added a woman from work on Facebook, and I know he messages her on there. He arrranged to go for a coffee with her the other day just the two of them. He never asks me to meet him for a coffee

He offered to show me the Facebook messages to prove they were innocent. I declined. I do trust him, but I just feel hurt he gives another (married) woman his time but when he's home he barely acknowledges me unless it's to moan about work.

Last night when he went to the loo he took his phone with him-he said it was for the light, but I told him I found it odd. He's very secretive with his phone and password. Always has been though. But it bugs me.

I can't sleep at the moment as I'm feeling so down about it all. I usually end up on the sofa crying whilst he's fast asleep.

He came down this morning and I know he could tell I'd been crying but he went off to work and hasn't even bothered to text me or call to see how I am. I did tell him I felt upset he'd met another woman for coffee but he never asks me, so he did suggest I go into town and meet him today, but I didn't feel up for it after no sleep. Also felt he was only offering because he felt he had to, rather than wanted to meet me.

Not sure if my hormones are clouding my judgement here making me BU? sad

ImFuckingSpartacus Fri 24-Mar-17 13:43:45

Hormones have nothing to do with it, thats a terrible marriage. Why on earth are you having a fourth baby with him?

user1490361586 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:50:25

Right now I don't know Spartacus sad

He's a good dad, he's nice in other ways. I just am struggling today to keep my everything's alright face on for the kids.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:52:56

What a sad situation for all.

Do you get out much during the day? Do you have family support?

Is his career lucrative? What time does he return home

Trifleorbust Fri 24-Mar-17 13:53:18

It definitely sounds like there communication issues and he is hiding something flowers

I would be considering giving an ultimatum tbh. Sort it out or ship out. You expect him to pull his own weight around the house, you do not expect to have to beg for normal affection and attention. He needs to knock the coffees on the head, at least while his marriage is in trouble.

Good luck, OP.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:53:45

He's nice in other ways??!! Yeh ways that don't involve helping to raise his children and support his wife!!

user1490361586 Fri 24-Mar-17 13:57:39

He is affectionate as in lots of pecks and hugs, but never leads to anything more.

I don't get out much-DH has tried to encourage me to join some kind of class, but my confidence is so low right now I struggle to even make small talk with other mums at the school gates even. sad

No family near by for either of us. We have no external support.

I'm feeling sad as I logged on the Facebook to see he has been online recently. Makes me paranoid he's messaged that female work friend. Yet still not heard off him today.

user1490361586 Fri 24-Mar-17 14:01:14

Re communication-I do think there is an issue regarding this with him. I try to talk through issues with him, I want to analyse and know why things are as they are. He'd rather just decide a solution immediately and end the conversation.

He was brought up with a family who hate confrontation and conflict, and I think as a result he struggles with working out how to resolve issues be it at home or at work (hence the work stress/politics he never switches off from)

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Mar-17 14:04:35

OP, he's going on dates with another woman! What are you putting up with that crap for?

user1490361586 Fri 24-Mar-17 14:10:29

He's only met her once (that I know of)
She's on maternity leave right now I believe, so came in to meet him as she's due back next week.

I know she did text him 10pm one night a few months back and I was cross he was texting outside of work hours. Felt it was crossing a barrier.

Not sure if I'm/was being insecure because I have low self esteem.

Should he be more open with me regarding his Facebook and text messages? His need for privacy makes me feel uneasy sometimes.

It probably wouldn't if we had a proper sex life and good communication sad

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 24-Mar-17 14:10:38

Just to clarify - does your loo not have a light in? A man who can't use a loo without the aid of a phone is shifty imo.
When does he parent his dc?
When he starts to talk about work I would cut him off and tell him about something a dc did today - or just chat in general about your day. Or walk away into another room.

Whatalready Fri 24-Mar-17 14:24:27

Not sure if this is relevant but how old is DC3? I'm meaning how long have you been more tied with pregnancies/young babies? When you are in this situation you do rely on your DH for more. The longer it goes on, the less you feel like your normal self. I'm in a similar position. I have a 10 month old baby, would love another but DH is being generally unfriendly and unloving, sometimes a totally insensitive sod. When your children are older and you are more independent you don't take such behaviour. Sometimes men are better when you are stronger, more independent, equal. But if you are 6 months pregnant you need support. You don't want the upset of separation or even arguments. Besides MN do you have friends or family, even to ring up? It would be better for you to get out during the day. When your baby is here, if he is still being a twat, you will have to confront him but in your own time. Focus on contacting friends.

user1490361586 Fri 24-Mar-17 14:43:17

DC3 is 2 years old. Don't really get s break from the kids, so pretty tired.

I've a couple of friends, but ones just had a baby and ones struggling with ivf. I don't feel I can land my problems on them right now.

Yes-loo has a light in, so I am confused why he takes it to the shower and loo hmm

Whatalready Fri 24-Mar-17 14:58:47

Mum? Sister? You need someone. I have done IVF and would still listen to my friend. Definitely would. But it's who you feel closest to. You need a big hug. Have a virtual one from me xx
Your DH is behaving very badly. You sound lovely and you deserve far more than this. I'm happy to arrange a bus for MN who'd like to shove his phone in a very dark place.

Catherinebee85 Fri 24-Mar-17 15:02:13

My phone goes everywhere with me so I wouldn't bat an eyelid at that.

I think it's more important right now to build yourself up and get 'you' back. Not mum or wife, just you. Think of something you want to do and pursue it even if it's just a craft class, an exercise class, or whatever (I sing in a choir for example). You have roles but you also need your own identity and that's really hard to establish and maintain as a mum of 3 (nearly 4!). It wouldn't even need to be with the aim of making friends (although obvs that would be a bonus) but just focus initially on doing something you might enjoy. You deserve it!

I've been there with the crying on the sofa thing and believe me, it doesn't work. My DP just gets angry and frustrated with me not just telling him what's wrong but I get what you say about him avoiding conflict.

Your husband doesn't seem to notice you at all, could you both agree to get a babysitter once a month maybe to just go out as a couple? Your relationship needs to be worked on to survive and that needs to come from both of you. So that you both want to meet each other for coffee etc.

It can get better, all is not lost xx

Thinkingofausername1 Fri 24-Mar-17 15:07:03

I think men can be friends with women but there comes to a point that it's disrespectful towards you even if not an affair.

user1490361586 Fri 24-Mar-17 15:19:17

Thanks for all helpful and lovely replies.
Sounds awful but I feel like I want to burst into tears with people being nice to me blush

I need to pull myself together for the kids. Struggling so much today sad

I'm so hurt he hasn't even called me today. I'm having to stop myself sending a ranting text to him. He'll act like nothing's happened when he gets home too.

My mum and I don't talk sadly-she was a terrible mother growing up which hurts. That's another thread though.

Whatalready Fri 24-Mar-17 19:37:03

Mine too. It makes me treasure my relationship with my children. You can grow up just fine if you get the love from someone.
You have three little people in your home who love you dearly. You are the centre of their world. I think I would ignore him when he comes in. Don't know if that's the right approach but he doesn't deserve you.
I worry that if you ask him directly, the argument will upset you. Concentrate on things that make you happy. A nice bath. A snuggle up in bed with your children. A film.

Dozer Fri 24-Mar-17 19:41:32

You don't trust him (understandably given his actions), sex life is shit, he doesn't do a fair share of parenting or domestic work.

Unfortunately he sounds like the type of man who would treat you badly in a divorce and want to keep as much money as possible to fund a lifestyle for a while with other women, while you continue to look after the DC.

Whatalready Fri 24-Mar-17 20:52:05

I'm sure it won't come to that. Please don't go to bed thinking about divorce and all those kind of awful things. Just concentrate on yourself, that tiny growing baby and three little souls sleeping nearby. Men can go through strange phases that blow over. He may be quite different next week.
And, hey, this is mother's day weekend. Your children may have some gluey cards waiting for you! They will love you more than enough.
Sleep well and don't worry.

Whatalready Sat 25-Mar-17 07:16:59

How are you?

Dozer Sat 25-Mar-17 07:52:17

So OP should ignore the issues with her H because her DC love her? confused

Whatalready Sat 25-Mar-17 08:26:46

No but would you encourage her to have a big argument when she is 6 months pregnant, feeling low and trying to keep it together for her LOs? 6-12 months from now she will feel different. I'd ignore him.

mummydoc123 Sat 25-Mar-17 08:41:33

I don't have any clever words of advice other than be kind to yourself. You're six months pregnant with young children and life is hard at the moment. Can you do something nice today with the kids even if it's just playing in the park in the sunshine? Thinking of you. X

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