I've hated every second of work this week

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

Hey everyone, I'm about to have a colossal rant and I apologise in advance for this.

I lost my dad in December; it was really sudden, with no warning or lead up to the event that took his life. I took a week of compassionate leave but felt like I should go back, so did a week after the event.

The issue is, I'm struggling with a lot right now. I'm anxious about all kinds of things and the anxiety is keeping me awake at night and leaving me feeling horrible and drained. I'm also really struggling to adapt to my new family setup. My mum has never really been able to look after herself and she's in an even worse state now.

What makes it worse is that I can't drive due to bad eyes and my mum's house is a five hour coach journey away. There is also only one a day and no one understands how difficult it is to do that trip on a Sat and then have to do it again on the Sun. I work full time and my weekends are nonexistent when I do this. FWIW, my family moved away when I was 19, leaving me to move out and find a flat in the area I grew up in.

My real problem is work. It's like everything that has historically annoyed me is now causing me serious rage. Every time I get a call after hours, or someone offers whimsical feedback on something that results in extra work, or someone makes claim to time I'm spending working on something else, I just can't seem to contain the rage.

I'm known for being a happy positive person and I want to know how I can turn this around and start feeling better before I rip someone's head off.

Work, for their part, have been brilliant and we've had various chats about how I'm feeling. I just wish I could snap myself out of this. I'm cold, irritable and wishing I was anywhere but here. I've lost interest in my job completely and I used to love it. Part of me is thinking of historical happenings where I'd work my arse off on something and get very little in the way if acknowledgement.

I'm 32, if that is relevant.

[Hellmouth]

I think you should consider going to your GP about your anxiety. My DP also lost his dad in December and has been in a downward spiral since. His anxiety and inability to cope with stress resulted in him losing his job last month. For him, every day seems like a struggle but he refuses to go back to the doctor. It's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

I think you sound as if you are suffering depression. I'd speak to your GP about what help you can get. Good luck

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

I think you're right, I've been feeling really bad because I haven't grieved in the "normal" way. My brothers and sisters were very openly crying and stuff and I think just work differently. I have ADHD and ASD (diagnosed aged three and then again at 24).

I have got in touch with my emotions more lately but I'm struggling so much right now. I had a horrendous 2016; my boyfriend of six years left me for another woman and I lost my home. Lots of other things happened in the lead up to the big whammy, losing my dad.

My mum is so caught up in her own grief that our chats have been about that.

There are good things in my life. I'm a singer outside of work and have a lovely boyfriend who has been a rock.

[HiMyNameIsUnknown]

OP you've been through so much in the last year or so.

Well done on speaking to your employer so they understand how you feel. I think others are correct in suggesting your GP, maybe ADs/counselling or being signed off work short-term could help.

Your DM is very far away so I think you all need to accept that visiting every weekend on top of a FT job is way too much. You mention siblings where are they and can they visit your DM? You also mention she doesn't cope well, could she perhaps occasionally stay with each of you for a visit while she copes?

[DJBaggySmalls]

Grapeeatingweirdo You've been through such a bad time,. you really don't need to apologize for wanting to rant and offload.
Your anger sounds like its down to stress. You are under so much pressure that any additional burden feels like the straw that could break the camels back.

Its really unfair of your family to make you travel every weekend. You need time to yourself to decompress. Can you demand your family take up the slack now, ad go no more than once a month?
If your Mum really cant cope, will she move?

[The80sweregreat]

You need to stop the coach journey, at least for one weekend so that you can unwind a bit - would your mu m consider moving to be closer to you, might be nice to have her near you for some support.
seeing your GP is also a good idea - they might be able to help you, or prescribe something for you to tame the anxiety / rage feelings. sounds as if your under a lot of pressure.

[MatildaTheCat]

You probably need to focus on healing yourself right now. See your GP and consider bereavement counselling. Look for support in all the places you can find it, boyfriend, friends etc and tell them how low you are.

I'm sure your GP would sign you off work for a while to sort yourself out. I would consider not visiting your DM until you feel a bit better. Can you Skype her for a set period of time and limit your stress with her whilst still seeing her?

Caring for yourself is so important and losing your dad is a massive deal. Take care.

[Goldfishjane]

IT sounds like a mare generally, you can't do that trip every week

But the whimsical feedback and extra work that results is also a genuine problem....if you mean people creating extra work for no reason? You need to talk to your manager about that as well.

Sorry you are going through so much.

[Saltedcaramel2016]

Sorry for your loss. They say anger is a stage of grief so maybe this is a stage you are going through. I would recommend seeing the GP and explaining your feelings, they may offer counselling or some medication to help you. They may also be able to sign you off for a bit so you have some time to come to terms with things.

I would also only visit my mother once a month, you have other siblings that can visit her too. She can also come and stay with you sometimes. If she is very reliant on you could she move to your back to your area again as a long term solution?

[HappyH3roe17]

Sorry for your loss. Ive been in similar position a couple of times. The other person really struggled and I continued to offer support until they were almost back to normal, this took 3_6 months. I now visit once a month and phone regularly. This person refused offer to stay at mine or hotel , so the travel was on my shoulders. It is hard physically and emotionally. I would suggest enlisting the help of as many people as you can family, friends, neighbours, professionals. Try to put some practical things in place that make your life or your mum's life easier. I made it clear I was not giving up my career and the person who I support accepted this. Be kind to yourself, you can only do as much as you feel that you can. If you cannot take holiday, parental leave or unpaid leave you will need to gently remind your mum that you have your own life as well as responsibility of helping her.

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

Thanks for your replies, I really appreciate it!