MIL offering to buy clothes for the kids(78 Posts)
So, to give some background, my MIL has previous for interfering. When DC1 was born, she bought the bedroom furniture and various other things. We could have afforded to buy these things ourselves and basically she gave us no say in the things she was buying. They were all chosen by her. I tried to see the fact she was being generous as something to be grateful for but once the first grandchild was born, all she ever wanted was for me to go out and leave them with her. She wants one on one time but doesn't ever respect my methods of parenting. I wonder if this is her wanting to play mummy. She can be very disrespectful to me at times to.
The most recent thing is that we will be attending some family functions this summer (on my side). She has said she will be buying my children their outfits. Her taste is not to me taste at all and I know she won't give me a say. I feel like the only reason she wants to do this is so that on the day people will ask where their clothes are from and I'll have to say she bought them. I feel like it's all for her benefit, if that makes sense. She'll want to be able to show people the pictures and brag that she bought the outfits.
It's all very manipulative I think. We don't have many family events to dress the kids up for and I think she almost wants to take that moment of picking out a lovely dress away from me. Other things she has done have been taking my newborns out of my arms constantly. She once did this like 5 seconds before the bells at new year with my first born (knowing full well I wanted to hold her to bring in the new year). Am I being unreasonable to think her request to choose and pay for the clothes is for selfish reasons or would you feel the same?
Yanbu. Just buy the outfits you want to and dress them in them. If it helps just say to mil you have already bought them.
I'm afraid you and your husband need to be much firmer with her.
Too late now but you didn't have to accept the furniture. It would have been quite polite for you both to say, "Oh that's such a lovely offer, but we're looking forward to choosing our own style. Thank you though".
Same with the clothes. Just tell her you're looking forward to choosing them yourselves.
You don't need to put the kids in the clothes why would you? You are just going to have to say mil it is fine we are buying the outfits or have bought the outfits if she is upset then tough
Just say 'no thanks, I'm looking forward to choosing something myself'?
And stop letting her take your children out of your arms.
Just tell her, im buying the clothes for x event, if you buy any they won't be worn.
Why don't you just say no, you can do it nicely but firmly.
I am buying the dc's outfits
Thanks but I have them already OR
Great I'll let you know when I have picked them out
*Takes DC before midnight "
You surely simply say no to this "You'll have to wait till after 12 for your turn "
These things are only an issue because you are allowing her to do it and then resenting her afterwards
Do you think my rationale as to her reasoning is probably right? My gut tells me she wants these moments for herself and wants to take these moments away from me. I have tried to explain it to my husband and he's quite understanding. Do you think this is her way of trying to play "mummy"?
I'm really non confrontational so I find these scenarios so difficult
She sounds so overbearing with boundry issues it would drive me nuts be strong op you can be assertive they are your children
She does sound over bearing.
I don't understand why you can't say "thanks for the kind thought MIL, but we don't have many opportunities to dress up the DC so we'll be choosing and buying the outfits ourselves".
If she buys things anyway, just nicely say "as I said. We've already covered getting outfits for x event" and hand them back.
She may well sulk, but you'll just have to be prepared for that. It'll be worth it if it means you can set a precedent for doing what you want rather than having things foisted on you.
You dont have to accept.
She doesnt have a gun to your head.
Hell, if you felt strongly enough you coukd have sold, donated or chopped up the furniture she bought and replaced it with your own.
If she wants to buy clothes, say no thanks.
If she buys them anyway, dont dress your child in them
You dont have to comply.
It us ok to say no and stick to it.
If she goes ahead and buys anyway you do not have to use or keep the item
If you feel very strongly.
If it really matters to you.
To be honest, the scenario at new year took me by complete surprise, I was in shock that she did it and I won't let anything like that happen again. I actually cried about it straight afterwards. My DD was only weeks old at the time though so I think that was partly hormones but it still upsets me to this day.
She wants to be doting granny she isn't trying to be mummy she sounds over excited about grandchildren and special moments
Doesn't matter what her rationale is, you dont need to pander to it. Stop analysing and just say no
No I don't think she's trying to play 'Mummy'. I think she's being an overbearing grandmother.
But that's not the issue here really.
The issue is that you and your husband are adults and yet you appear to let her treat your both like children.
I don't know how old your DC are, but you both need to toughen up because there will be a whole host of people you'll have to smile and say a firm "No thank you" to, during their lifetime.
I wouldn't tallk about the clothes again just buy them something for the family thing and when she buys whatever breezily saywe bought clothes those are nice though they can wear them another time.
My mil does this too - but she does it because she loves her gc and likes to help out. She actually bought my dds outfits for a wedding on my side of family - I asked her to return them as they weren't what the girls wanted.
Carmac what your describing is very very common.
These threads are littered with seemingly polite DILS who do not want confrontation but faced with over bearing pushy mils who seem to have no boundaries or ability to ask questions and say " Dear Dil, I would like to do x y and DO YOU MIND, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TOO OR NOT"
Its about all sorts of things, control, over stepping boundaries etc.
You are lucky dh is on your side, you both need to come up with simple repetitive phrases, never explain yourself or back down, be nice about it..." thank you that is very kind but I think on this occasion will be dressing the dc ourselves, thank you " and so on. The problem is - your mil whilst being batted off will only get more resentful and probably worse ( like mine) but there is not much you can do about that. You need to take care of yourself and your little family
You don't have to let her do anything. You are the parent not her. You decide where the DC's will go and what they will wear. Why have you been letting her dictate to you. She can buy all the clothes she likes, you don't have to use them.
Point taken oldraver
I always over think these things. I suppose I want to know what her motives are because it really appears to me the she has an ulterior motive, sad as that is. Youre totally right though, her rationale doesn't really matter. I just need to learn to be assertive and say no.
I am sure the mil loves the gc and is excited to buythem things but the op is struggiling with it she doesn't need to fall out with her mil aboutit just assert herself a bit more
She sounds very forceful and you sound a bit timid (at least around her) so I can imagine the conversation goes something like:
Mil - I want to buy xyz for the baby
You - oh thank you but there's no need
Mil - no, no, it's no bother, I insist
You - urm...
She'll be getting a lot of joy out of choosing by and buying things and probably has more money to spend now than she did when your DH was a baby. But that doesn't mean she gets to buy all the stuff that actually you the parents want to enjoy buying (even stuff as mundane as a wardrobe) for your first born.
The problem lies in you being too polite and not just saying no. So start now, don't run things by her just get the outfits you want and if she turns up with a bagful then just look a bit surprised and hand them back saying you've already chosen and bought them. Or just exchange them for some every day basics.
Also OP, please try to stop thinking of an awkward conversation as 'confrontation'. The two are very different things.
What is your DH doing to support you, given that this upsets you so much?
Well yes, you should have seen the reaction when I said once in a jokey way to mil and fil " shall we just sign the dc over to you both now"
my goodness what a tense moment! The Little Red House? Short ITV series, Granny undermines dils mental health to get her locked away so she can play Mum with her SON to the baby [boak emotion]
We are then trapped by being polite, but she is a dear granny...sadly this is not always the case and you do need to put yourself in the uncomfortable position of standing up to her.
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