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To split Dd up from her best friend

(53 Posts)
Playdoughinthecarpet Thu 23-Mar-17 22:36:28

Dd is 5 and in reception. She has a big group of friends including a 'best' friend'. The Bf has been a bit of a thorn in my side since nursery, teaching Dd rude words, an incident of showing each other their private parts, general kids behaviour . 3 weeks ago Bf went to another friends for tea. Since then Bf is now best friend with the other girl. I was a bit relieved. Dd was upset but has won a certificate for hard work, been much nicer at home and was sent to the head for a sticker for good work yesterday.
In the last 3 weeks the exbf has been unkind to Dd. She has always taken her pictures and reward stickers and has pushed Dd into 'the omelette line when Dd wanted sausages ' and has been telling the other kids not to play with Dd. We have been telling Dd to tell the teacher when kids are horrible to her but she won't. She really wants to be best friends with this girl. Yesterday Dd was upset, she was sobbing in her bed and when I asked her what was wrong she said she was so fed up Bf was asking the kids Dd was playing with to play with her instead and not talk to Dd.
My Dh messaged Bfs mum and Bf admitted doing this and was made to apologise today.
There are 2 classes in each age group at school, AIBU to ask the school to move Bf to the other class in year 1. My judgement is a bit clouded as a had a dominating bitch of a best friend all through school and was glad to be put in a different class in secondary school! I don't want my Dd to get stuck with a friend she can't stand up to but I don't really want to fight her battles. Dh thinks Dd shouldn't be made to move class as she hasn't done anything wrong???

Enko Thu 23-Mar-17 22:42:18

Dont ask them to move the BF ask them to " separate" the girls Leave it to the school to decide how to deal with that.

However YANBU to ask

Playdoughinthecarpet Thu 23-Mar-17 22:45:55

Good idea, thanks

GwenStaceyRocks Thu 23-Mar-17 22:46:08

Moving classes is a big adjustment and tbh I don't think the school would do it on the back of three weeks' unpleasantness.
Make a note of the dates of the incidents you are aware of and have a meeting with the teacher. Ask them to suggest solutions in line with their policies.
Even if they did move the child to another class it sounds as though the flashpoints are at break and lunch, and the classes probably mingle at those points.

ThePiglet59 Thu 23-Mar-17 22:46:19

It's madness to think that the school will move somebody else's child just because she has fallen out with your daughter.
Listen to yourself!

FloatyCat Thu 23-Mar-17 22:49:08

Keep encouraging other friendships, play dates are useful. If you do mention to school say your dd is upset and ask if they can help develop other friendships, def don't ask to start moving kids around.

Playdoughinthecarpet Thu 23-Mar-17 22:51:02

They are quite open plan now. I think year 1 is more structured so would be a big change anyway. But you are right, break times have been an issue but Dd has been 'working' by herself a lot. I can tell by the volume of crafts, cards, drawings etc she is bringing home!

BastardBloodAndSand Thu 23-Mar-17 22:51:40

You're waaaaayyyyyy over invested in all this.

I'd encourage other friendships and activities out of school, kids sorting out little conflicts like this is all part of growing up.

JonesyAndTheSalad Thu 23-Mar-17 22:52:27

You should have gone to the school immediately and not the other parent. Never go to the parents...always the school.

However, you need now to rectify that and make an appointment to speak to the teacher...tell them everything.

My DD had ovrbearing and agressive "best friend" who in reality was just an emotionally damaged child (poor thing) who had latched onto my DD and used her as a punching bag and security blanket.

I spoke to the teachers and they said they would keep a close eye on things. I also pushed DD to stand up for herself which she did...and it all ended mid-year one.

But DD is loud and confident and for a child who is not, this is tricky.

I would immediately speak to the teachers and ask about other little girls who your DD gets on with. Then go on a playdate offensive as I like to call it. smile

Invite a child a week home to play with DD. She will benefit from the boost and learn that other kids are she will be getting herself a little team together.

Crumbs1 Thu 23-Mar-17 22:55:53

Manipulate friendships - play date offensive is a good term. Invite the children you want your daughter to be friends with. Repeatedly.

Fumnudge Thu 23-Mar-17 22:59:14

Had the same experience with DD1 but the classes were due to mix for yr 1 anyway. I did request that 'if at all possible' and they agreed to it.
DD1 had a new 'bestie' for the next few years and is now back with the original but the separation really worked and still does work well.

JonesyAndTheSalad Thu 23-Mar-17 23:05:34

Crumbs I think so too. I know there are posters who say "Oh leave them to it" etc but the fact is that these are very small children who know nothing at all about people and socialising.

They do need help and guidance.

Bastard saying OP is over-invested is crap. If OP's child was 13 or something I'd agree. But she's 5!

Playdoughinthecarpet Thu 23-Mar-17 23:10:40

It's so bloody difficult!! The school do keep an eye on them as much as is possible. At the last parents evening, teacher assured me they have a lovely friendship then I took them for a play date and Bf called Dd a cow and a 'snake in the grass'. WTF!!
Have had a few girls to play but Dd says she doesnt want anyone now. she has family she likes to see at weekends (she has asked to go to her cousins school ☹️)
I am over invested. She is my first, my practice run! I tried to give her the tools to deal with the situation and when it got too much we intervened.

MumW Thu 23-Mar-17 23:12:32

I agree with letting the school know but not asking for them to move either child. Deliberately ostracising DD, taking her things and pushing her around is unacceptable behaviour and the school need to explain this with the exBF and/or class in general. It really is bullying behaviour but I definitely wouldn't use the 'B' word, they are still young and need to be gently shown the correct ways.

My DD was bullied by her BF who became very manipulative at secondary school. Looking back the behaviour started at primary school and we just dismissed it as girls being girls. We even laughed a bit at the "she's my best friend but I hate her" on/off friendship. I wish we had drawn the schools attention to the issue and asked for some help to nip it in the bud and drawn her away and encouraged other/new friendships.

Playdoughinthecarpet Thu 23-Mar-17 23:19:57

MumW, I asked Dd if she knew the word bullying and she didn't, I imagine they do circle time at some point.
I'm going to speak to the teacher tomorrow, I'd like to nip this friendship in the bud, 6 years is a long time at school if you've got a best friend who hates you! Will check in tomorrow.....

Ellieboolou27 Thu 23-Mar-17 23:20:54

Dd is almost 5, in nursery she made a best friend and became a bit obsessed with her, she's not "damaged" she was insecure as she moved house, nursery and recently had a sibling, dd was the dominant bullying one, however I had a word with the teacher who was putting together reception classes and asked her to separate them, more for dd's best friend than my dd! They get on great now and I'm very good friends with the mum, who is a level headed woman.

Play date manipulation shock at 5, friendship manipulation! Invite only the kids you want to be your dc to be friends with! Seriously? And you expect a 5 year old to behave and rationalise like a grown up... confused

Have a word with the teacher first op and never the parent unless you are friends to start with, teach dd to tell the teacher if she's being bullied or pushed out and try not to alienate the bullying child too much as your dd will be in school with he for another 5 years, this early on in primary friendships are fickle.

angelcakerocks Thu 23-Mar-17 23:26:35

YABU you have to learn to let go a bit. Don't project your own issues on to this situation. flowers

user1489189598 Thu 23-Mar-17 23:29:03

I think the school will be open to what you say because of this line in your OP:
Dd was upset but has won a certificate for hard work, been much nicer at home and was sent to the head for a sticker for good work yesterday.

So, school gave her TWO rewards for NOT being with her BF? Are those typical? Do kids get sent to head for good work often? I think the school are already reinforcing the separation, so you may find you're pushing at an open door if you go and speak to the teacher.

Agree with promoting other friendships. I don't think you should get in the way of your child's choice. That isn't right (even at 5), but keep offering them an alternative and hope they take advantage of those.

The other thing you could do, if you can afford it, is send your DD to some extra-curricular activities and hope (and support) her making friends there that have nothing to do with school, but which will widen her horizons and give her other choices.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall Thu 23-Mar-17 23:30:25

Agree with others your husband should not have approached her parents - always go through the school about incidents in school.

Also if they are not put into new classes for year one, you cannot ever request that another child is moved, you can only make requests about your own child.

SingingSilver Thu 23-Mar-17 23:44:04

It's far more likely that the school will listen to a request to move your dd to the other class, if you really want that separation.

Playdoughinthecarpet Thu 23-Mar-17 23:50:48

Dh has known girls parents since school, I am new to area. He felt comfortable talking to them whereas I would have gone to school first. Dd goes to a class out of school and none of the kids there are from her class. She loves it!
I feel like she has been doing really well since this fall-out. Her teacher practically fell out of the door to tell me how well Dd had done with her work, she took her to the headteacher she was so pleased. Certificates are given out to a pupil every week, Dd has had 1 before, this 1 was for endurance, not giving up when things were difficult!!

Catrina1234 Fri 24-Mar-17 00:09:51

Look your DD is only 5 and what you've described is absolutely typical of girl's behaviour. My DIL is a deputy head at primary school and she says parents are always coming in asking for X to be moved from Y because one has been being horrible etc etc and she always tells parents that the children will sort things out themselves and staff will only step in if necessary.

My DGD had trouble in primary with a girl blowing hot and cold on her and refusing to let her play with anyone else. I had only ever had boys who don't usually behave like this. SO I was upset about DGD and asked her mom (the deputy head) to go to the school and complain about this girl. She said No that wasn't the way to go - that the job of parents was to give their children the skills to deal with these sorts of situations, as they will through the course of their life meet all sorts of hurdles. PHEW.................she was absolutely right! In DGD's case the girl left the school by DGD said that she would never let another girls treat her like that again - result!!

Teachers have 30 kids and are inundated with work outside of the classroom and really shouldn't have to be bothered with kids squabbles and girls blowing hot and cold on each other.

JonesyAndTheSalad Fri 24-Mar-17 00:13:33

Catrina it is not typical of girl's behaviour whatsoever. hmm

I know more girls who DON'T engage in this kind of thing than I know girls who do.

Bloody old-fashioned, sexist nonsense...tarring girls with a "bitchy" reputation before they even hit 6!

Disgusting to buy into this.

Mummydummy Fri 24-Mar-17 00:17:33

Painful as it is these things will crop up throughout the next 13 years of schooling so moving class will not be a viable option every time other children are mean. Its better for your DD to learn coping mechanisms, to play with other children and make new friends, how to stand up to the mean behaviour etc. It is part of life....

Ellieboolou27 Fri 24-Mar-17 00:20:43

Op your starting to sound very pfb and could potentially be a parent the teachers tend to avoid wink chill out a little, speak to the school and stop over thinking it. catrina1234 has hit the nail on the head about teaching our kids to deal with situations. If your dd was being constantly harrsssed, assaulted etc then of course your reaction would be just, but going by your posts alone it seems you are BU and a little pfb too .

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