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To expect dh to help me without asking if I'm feeling unwell?

(18 Posts)
hitnmiss33 Thu 23-Mar-17 19:22:11

So the last couple of days I've been feeling under the weather with a sore throat and a bit congested. Today I text dh (who had the day off with lo) to say that I felt ropey and couldn't wait for the day to end. When I got home he asked me how I was and I said I felt very tired and a bit dizzy and that I thought I was coming down with something. I then snuggled up to him on the sofa while lo played around us.

Dh usually cooks but tonight I suggested a take away. Asked what we should give lo and decided on pasta so went to boil the kettle. Dh just sat on the sofa on his phone so I ended up doing los's dinner, feeding him and then tidying his toys all while dh was on his phone on the sofa.

Everyday I do lo's bath and give him a bedtime story. I mention it's nearly bath time and dh says 'who's doing the bath?', I say 'well I can do it but I think it would be nice if you did it as I feel unwell'. He's asked why I'm off with him and I've said that if the shoe were on the other foot and he was unwell I'd have told him to sit down and I'll deal with lo. He's snapped back at me that he's not a mind reader and I only had to ask if I wanted him to do stuff. I know this is true but AIBU to have wanted him to have just taken a proactive approach and just look after lo? I mean I can't even remember the last time I was ill and when he came home with a headache a couple of weeks ago I sent him straight up to lie down in bed and got him a wet flannel for his head and completely saw to lo. I'm not a mood reader either but when I see dh is ill I want to look after him - he doesn't have to ask. Seemingly I do!

Bah, sorry for the rant! Feeling crappy and probably over sensitive!

AmberNectarine Thu 23-Mar-17 19:31:12

I don't think YABU, you mentioned twice you were feeling out of sorts! He is being selfish and doesn't like being called out on it!

Take yourself off to bed as soon as poss!

FumBluff1 Thu 23-Mar-17 19:31:53

Its the same here. I have to spell it out if I want help!

Crumbs1 Thu 23-Mar-17 19:35:34

You've got a cold and you expect him to take over even though he's been at work all day? You expect him to offer? Why not just take a couple of Paracetamol? Your throats not that sore and you're not that ill if you want a takeaway. A bit unreasonable and wimpy.

Allthewaves Thu 23-Mar-17 19:36:50

Open your mouth and ask him instead of flouncing about

Mungobungo Thu 23-Mar-17 19:37:02

I've discovered that if I want help I have to spell it out. Unfortunately it appears that you have a OH who also can't think for himself or take time to do things that you'd automatically do without having to have specific instructions. It's not a man thing, it's a selfish arse thing.

He's not a nind reader but he's also not bothered that you're ill and he's sat on his arse while you're sorting out your LO. Tell him to stop being a wanker and help out.

ThymeLord Thu 23-Mar-17 19:38:02

Its in the first paragraph Crumbs that OP was at work and he was at home.

Oldraver Thu 23-Mar-17 19:38:51

Crumbs re read the OP

CaptainHammer Thu 23-Mar-17 19:43:01


Crumbs read the OP ffs.

Meekonsandwich Thu 23-Mar-17 19:43:19

Yeaaaaahhh people are not mind readers. There's nothing bad about saying what you need. "Do you mind looking after dc tonight I feel rough" it's different if he then sits on the sofa on his phone.

You will be sorely disappointed if you expect things from people without communicating what you want.

CaptainHammer Thu 23-Mar-17 19:47:17

I think if OP hadn't mentioned being unwell at all then I'd say unreasonable. But she mentioned it twice so he should have realised

golfbuggy Thu 23-Mar-17 19:49:48

I would have found it confusing (in DH's position) that he was about to cook (i.e. looking after you) but you wanted a takeaway. It would have suggested to me that you were a bit tired as opposed to really ill.

And in your position where you've been out all day, and DH has been home with the LO, I would expect the norm to be that you want to spend time with them. If you're not feeling too good, you just flop on the sofa and let them show you their toys surely? Not tidying up?

My point being I don't think it would have been that obvious to DH that you needed help ...

AprilTheGiraffe Thu 23-Mar-17 19:51:59

Sorry you're not feeling good OP, but I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

I find being at home with a young child really hard going. When DH comes home from work on my days off, he takes over for an hour or so, does bath etc just to give me some time to myself or to get on with some squaring up etc.

I'd understand if you were seriously unwell...but it's just a cold...

hitnmiss33 Thu 23-Mar-17 19:58:16

Apriltgegirafe you sound like a lucky lady! I work 3 days a week and agree looking after a lo is tough. I don't get the same respite though as I do lo's bath and bed regardless of whether I'm working or at home with him all day. I'm jealous lol!

AprilTheGiraffe Thu 23-Mar-17 20:02:25

I don't think it's luck though. DH is her dad and he's missed her all day.

I work three days too, it's harder going than I thought it would be!

hitnmiss33 Thu 23-Mar-17 20:03:27

I suggested a takeaway because we had no food in the house and dh said he'd have to pop to the supermarket to get something. I didn't really want him to have to go out so suggested a Thai (his favourite).

Thanks for the posts. Mixed bag of saying I'm unreasonable and others saying not. I'll take that. To be honest it just feels good to vent lol!

Btw - for all those that say 'it's just a cold', I'd like to formally invite you to my house next time my dh has a cold! Then you would see just how 'serious' a cold can be! wink

bakingaddict Thu 23-Mar-17 20:05:10

Next time just go straight to bed and leave him to deal with things. Don't offer to do chores or take care of stuff just say I've got a headache, sort out dinner for dc, I'll see you when I get up. It's nice if someone steps up and actually thinks about their partner when they're ill but even my usually attentive and hands on husband didn't think to bring me a drink when I was ill in bed for 5 days unless I crawled out of bed and shouted down the stairs for one.
He doesn't deal well with illness or being around sick people but I'm still a bit bitter over his lack of compassion towards me. Yes he took care of the kids and dealt with everything in my absence but I wanted a bit of tlc too

Mulberry72 Thu 23-Mar-17 20:06:08

I agree with Meekon, you should have just asked him directly rather than getting huffy because he's not telepathic.

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