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AIBU to not want my ex dp staying at my home?

(168 Posts)
Anonymous2121 Thu 23-Mar-17 14:54:48

I currently live at home with my parents and our son. I am 23, ex dp is 24. We broke up before Christmas, he does not have a job and has only recently (in the last week) found a house share to move into. The split was far from amicable and as such my parents (as well as myself) do not want him coming into our house for long periods of time or staying the night.

I have also started to see someone new, so even if we all had a better relationship I still don't think it would be appropriate for him to be staying the night. I do not think he should have moved into a house share as this will impair his ability to look after our son. He will not have anywhere to take our son back to (should it start raining heavily for instance), all contact time will have to be outside our home. He will not be able to have our son over night either because of this decision. He could have afforded to live in a flat of his own as he has savings, but he chose not to as it would be more costly for him.

Anyway, he is intimating that my parents and I are being unreasonable because we don't want him staying in the house for long periods of time or staying over night. He is arguing that we are blocking and preventing him from seeing his son, despite the fact that he made the conscious decision to move into a house share knowing this would affect his ability to care for our son properly. AIBU to not want him staying over? Sometimes I feel like I am going insane!

OuchBollocks Thu 23-Mar-17 14:58:10

He's being a dick. Overnights are for partners. Ex means you don't have sleepovers any more. It also means that you aren't responsible for his crappy choices. I can see why he's your ex. Don't give an inch, chancers like him will take a mile and the rest.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 23-Mar-17 14:59:36

YANBU. He is using that as the 'she stopped me seeing my kids' getout clause.

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 23-Mar-17 15:03:30

I don't understand why a houseshare means he can't have his son visit unless it's a squat or filled with dangerous people. Does he have PR? But no to him staying at your parents house, whether you live there or not. How old is your son?

limon Thu 23-Mar-17 15:04:04

Yanbu but he can have his son overnight in a shared house, surely?

Anonymous2121 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:09:00

Our son is two and he has PR as his name is on the birth certificate.

The house share he has chosen to live in is mostly advertised towards students. The other tenants are all between the 20 - 24 year old age range and I can't imagine them being quiet or taking care because there is a young child sleeping. I haven't actually visited to check the place out, but I know from personal experience of living with him and seeing the old house shares he used to live in that he is not a clean and tidy person. I wouldn't have wanted my son visiting or sleeping over at any of his previous house shares. They were filthy, plates piled high with weeks of old food on, bathrooms never having been cleaned, kitchen surfaces not being wiped after use etc.

TheXxxxx Thu 23-Mar-17 15:11:26

I absolutely wouldn't want my small child to stay overnight in a flat share. The nature of my job has made me incredibly aware of how prevalent child sex abuse is.

OP you're not being unreasonable it's your duty to protect your child. Women who take reasonable steps to protect their children are often lambasted but I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.

StudentMum92 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:13:20

YABU and its seems like you're making it awkward for you ex to see his son.

You're not happy for him to have him at his house as it's a house share but you're also not willing for contact at your house.

He is his father and if he deems his home suitable for your son, there's not much you can do about it. You have no place to 'check the place out'.

StudentMum92 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:14:58

TheXxxxx Dramtic much hmm So because a father is living in a house share, he is more likely to abuse his son? OP has not mentioned any concerns of any abuse.

StudentMum92 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:15:33

Sorry OP YANBU to say no to overnight stays!

TheXxxxx Thu 23-Mar-17 15:19:04

student I wish I was being dramatic, I didn't say I thought the father would, but making sure you have a clear idea of who non verbal children interact with is key. The flat mates will have guests does the OP know who they are will the child always be supervised and if so by who.

Knowing the sheer volume and abuse images there are online and how many men there are in the UK has probably made more cynical than most.

TheXxxxx Thu 23-Mar-17 15:19:55

*how many men in the UK view them

LoupGarou Thu 23-Mar-17 15:21:57

My ex stays with us frequently for several weeks at a time (when he comes to visit as he lives in another country). We don't have any DC together but he is my closest friend and like an uncle to DS.

I don't think its unreasonable for exs to stay overnight full stop, but in your circumstances I think you aren't at all unreasonable to say no to him. Can you find some middle ground?

Anonymous2121 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:22:28

That is one of my main concerns TheXxxxx. I do not know the other flat mates, nor the friends or family they may be bringing into the house share.

I have said he is welcome to come and pick him up, collecting his bits and putting his shoes and coats on etc. What I do not want is him spending the day hanging around at my house, or a large portion of the day. Or thinking he can stay overnight, which he seems to think I should be allowing him to do! He knew my position in regards to that when he decided to move into the house share.

Crispbutty Thu 23-Mar-17 15:24:24

If he has savings then he uses them to fund activities when he has his child.

My stepson split with his partner and on his contact weekends would book a room at a travelodge to take his daughter to as he was living in a houseshare that was very much a party house.

Anonymous2121 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:25:06

I am not really sure what the middle ground would be because I as well as my parents do not want him hanging around the house for long periods of time or staying over. He massively disrespected our family and as such is not welcome anymore.

Anonymous2121 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:26:57

That is what I said to him Crispbutty. He should be using his savings to spend time with our son and making sure he has an appropriate place to take him back to. His response what that he 'didn't see why he should spend all his savings on a flat.' angry

Jaxhog Thu 23-Mar-17 15:31:28

YANBU to having your ex staying at your house.
YABU to him having your son stay with him at his house or anywhere else. Unless you have absolute proof he isn't safe.

StudentMum92 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:32:33

Sorry I think it's ridiculous! OP trusted her ex enough to have a DC with him so she should trust him to keep DC safe in his care. Just because he is a man doesn't mean he is less able to keep DC safe.

OP can't stop ex having DC overnight at his place as he has PR

Theresnonamesleft Thu 23-Mar-17 15:32:47

It's not unreasonable that you don't want him in your home. It's your space. You aren't blocking contact. He's still able to see his child just not in your home.

However you have no right to check the place out. Just like he won't have any right to checkout your place when you move out of your parents.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 23-Mar-17 15:34:35

cant he have the child at his parents house, is that a halfway solution?

try and limit communications to non verbal medium if you can also

EpoxyResin Thu 23-Mar-17 15:37:21

Oh lordy, no, YANBU to not have him stay at your parents! If he'd wanted somewhere to take his kid for overnight stays he shouldn't have assumed that what would be free convenient for him would be convenient for you. It isn't. Not your problem!

Regarding your child staying in his flat share, I doubt very much it'll come down to whether or not you'd allow it; do you think his 20-24 year old flatmates are going to be okay with it? Do you think he'll have okayed it with the landlord?? I very much doubt it.

redexpat Thu 23-Mar-17 15:37:59

Isnt this one of the reasons contact centres were setup? And if you book in advance arent travellodges 20 quid a night?

crunched Thu 23-Mar-17 15:38:34

studentmum92 absolutely agree

Anonymous2121 Thu 23-Mar-17 15:38:58

We live in the South of England and his parents live up North, so it's not viable that he could have our son overnight there. It's a good 5 hour drive to his parents house.

I would have no issue if it was a privately rented flat. In such case I wouldn't feel the need to be so protective. It's the idea of our son sleeping and being taken to a flat filled with 5-6 people I do not know nor would my ex dp really, as well as any friends they may bring back who I also wouldn't know. Also the ages of the other tenants and them being young university students, I can't imagine it being an appropriate place for a 2 year old.

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