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Am I responsible for MIL Mother's Day gift/card?

(41 Posts)
lemony21 Wed 22-Mar-17 13:40:20

We have been NC with MIL after she basically dropped us and our children for a closer option (but that's another story) that was almost 2yrs ago. Before she dumped us we all had a lot of involvement in each other's lives, me more so than her son (DH) I always bought presents and cards, if I didn't she wouldn't get anything IYKWIM. Last year as things had only recently turned bad I still sent a Mother's Day gift etc but it did feel uncomfortable. This year I'm wondering if I should bother. I don't want to mention it to DH as it causes upset when she's mentioned. She has sent cards for Birthdays and Christmas over the last 2yrs but no gifts which has been quite hurtful for the children, as she normally made a fuss of them and put in a lot of effort. (She now does that for someone else and their children) I feel that there is a special meaning behind a Mother's Day gift/card so it feels inappropriate to tell her how great a mother she is when she actually isn't.

Am I still expected to send MIL a Mother's Day gift/card after 2yrs NC?

ImFuckingSpartacus Wed 22-Mar-17 13:42:12

Expected by who? And why do you care?

If you want to send a card, send one. If you don't want to, don't. It really is that simple.

HoneyDragon Wed 22-Mar-17 13:42:20

Nope. Not your mum.

pasturesgreen Wed 22-Mar-17 13:43:49

You haven't really gone properly NC, though, if you still exchange cards, have you?

In the circumstances you describe I certainly wouldn't bother with a card.

Coastalcommand Wed 22-Mar-17 13:45:52

It's hard to say without knowing the circumstances. Why was the fallout originally?

MiddleClassProblem Wed 22-Mar-17 13:49:08

I really don't understand. You've decided to go crazy but are upset that she's only sending cards not gifts?

If you have chosen to come surely it's pretty serious reasons too and not one that you would've honouring their relationship with you.

CMamaof4 Wed 22-Mar-17 13:51:14

No I wouldn't bother, People are either in your lives or their not...

EmeraldScorn Wed 22-Mar-17 13:52:11

I think it's up to your husband to send (or not send) a card but I quite like that you have actually considered her, that's nice of you especially as there are other issues.

You need to raise the matter with him, whether it upsets him or not, just ask him!

ollieplimsoles Wed 22-Mar-17 13:52:23

Don't do it, not your job.

PatriciaHolm Wed 22-Mar-17 13:53:26

Of course not. NC means NC. No cards.

HazelBite Wed 22-Mar-17 13:56:26

It seems all a bit pointless to me. You have virtually nothing to do with her, and she has nothing to do with her son and his family.
I appreciate how you feel as I am virtually NC with my youngest sister but I still send Xmas cards and presents to her DCs, and if I meet her at a family function I am civil.
if you feel you need to keep the lines of communication open just send a card, a present seems a bit pointless to me.

BrieAndChilli Wed 22-Mar-17 13:56:53

I'm NC with my mum, for the first year or so I sent birthday, mothers fay and xmas cards. We had nothing in return so I didn't bother the next year.
If you wanted to send something I would probably just get the kids to draw a picture or something and send that.

CMamaof4 Wed 22-Mar-17 13:57:43

I particularly hate it when grandparents dont bother with grandchildren when they fall out with their children.. Its messed up and I wouldnt bother purely for that, I take it if she only sends a card she has no contact with them too...
You either love children and want to be apart of their lives or you don't, Sending cards for birthdays and Christmas isn't care, being there is, Its just keeping up appearances.

KayTee87 Wed 22-Mar-17 14:02:21

Even if you and mil got on it still wouldn't be your responsibility. If your dh wants to send his mum a card on Mother's Day then he can organise one surely.

LagunaBubbles Wed 22-Mar-17 14:06:13

Expected by who?? Why would you send a Mothers Day to card to someone who you are in NC with confused

diddl Wed 22-Mar-17 14:07:00

" for the first year or so I sent birthday, mothers fay and xmas cards."

Why?

Shoxfordian Wed 22-Mar-17 14:08:43

Nope; why would you do that? I think you're misunderstanding non-contact if you're sending cards (contacting someone!)

HecateAntaia Wed 22-Mar-17 14:10:05

I wouldn't.

She's his mother. If he wants to send her a card that's his choice.

If you have previously been doing all this wifework though, it would probably be best to say from now on, I won't be taking care of this for you. So if you want it done, you have to do it.

Then leave it. don't ever mention it again.

It is not the woman's job to send cards and gifts and shit to everyone.the person who wants to send a card sends it.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 22-Mar-17 14:13:17

No I wouldn't. Let dh do it if he wants.

lemony21 Wed 22-Mar-17 14:13:37

I hate being seen as 'the baddie' in anyone's eyes. I don't like to cut people off just like she did, it doesn't come naturally to me. But I feel uneasy sending her anything nice, which could send the wrong message.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 22-Mar-17 14:15:11

So she went nc with you or you chose to bc with her?

MiddleClassProblem Wed 22-Mar-17 14:15:20

*nc

BeMorePanda Wed 22-Mar-17 14:15:26

You want to send her a Mothers day card from her son, a grown adult who doesn't want to send her a card? or from you as her DIL?

<confused>

Do you kids want to send their GM a MD card? They if so let them. Should you be driving that forward - I'd say not your responsibility but their Dads?

BorpBorpBorp Wed 22-Mar-17 14:17:10

The only way to solve this is with a conversation with your DH. Whether to send a card or not has to be your DH's decision alone, regardless of who does the actual buying and sending, so if there's any doubt, you need to ask him "do you still want me to send a card to MIL this year?"

opticaltrixie Wed 22-Mar-17 14:18:12

I would continue to send a card. It's no skin off your nose, and MIL can't then turn round and say you did so from spite.

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