To be struggling after so long?

[WhoisthisHans]

Hi. I guess this isn't an AIBU, more that I need advice or guidance or someone objectively to tell me I'm doing okay.

I lost my father almost two years ago. He was diagnosed and died within a month. I was devastated, but I kept going and completed my training and went straight into my new job the following September. Everyone told me to take a break but I couldn't, I felt like if I stopped I'd never start again.

Now it's my dad's birthday today and it's coming up to the anniversary of his death so it was always going to be tough, but for the past week my motivation has completely crashed, I cry at the smallest thing, I have no energy and I'm generally struggling. Objectively I know I have so much to be positive about (good job and great H2B and wedding plans etc.) but it just doesn't stick. Everyday I tell myself the next day will be better and it isn't.

I was ill before Christmas for something unrelated and had to be hospitalised. I went to my HR and I was generally struggling in the department and with my illness and they were really kind about it and said I could take time out if I wanted, but I worried about how it would look to my supervisors. I changed departments to one I love and now I feel this way, I would go back to HR but it's been about the same amount of time as it was last time. I'm scared they'll think there's a pattern and I get in a new department for a month or so then start buggering off with illnesses.

I guess I just want advice, or a next step, or someone to tell me it'll be okay.
My mum's not contactable right now so I don't even have her to talk to.

[Pouncival]

It sounds as though you need grief counselling. By keeping busy you are still in the "denial" stage. That doesn't mean you are denying that it has happened but you are not giving yourself a chance to process the thoughts and emotions surrounding your father's sudden death. Your health sounds as though it is also suffering due to not dealing with your feelings.

take care of yourself