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To take just one of the dc on holiday?

(119 Posts)
Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:10:29

Divorced last year. 3 dc, one now at uni.

Ex was supposed to take all 3 on holiday this year but cancelled. No real reason except he thinks it would be hard work (and instead has booked 3 holidays for himself...). The original plan had been for me to do a low key holiday with them as his plan was something big. obviously now unless I sort something they won't go away (not the end of the world but stressful times at mo mean I think we all need a break)

DC1 will only go if it's for a few days, and to something cultural not hot. She's fine if we go away without her.

DC3 is happy doing anything at all.

DC2 tells me this morning she doesn't mind where we go. But every suggestion I give is turned down. She is currently recovering from a relapse of anorexia so I can see that she isn't 100% in the zone for this but she refuses to show any interest at all. And in fact has been pretty vile about it all.

AIBU to leave her with her dad for a week (who no doubt will struggle but it's his job surely??) and take my youngest who is really trying so hard to cope with all the problems at home and is desperate for some fun (and preferably all inclusive ice cream...). Or do I need to suck up another year without a proper break?

Crispbutty Wed 22-Mar-17 09:14:38

How old are they? Certainly the one at uni should be doing her own thing.

Parents in my family only ever took kids away until we were 16. After that we all did our own holidays.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:15:47

10,15,19.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:16:54

I have a slightly screwed version of family holidays as my last was at age 14, after that I was deemed old enough to stay home alone for a week whilst the rest of the family went!

Crispbutty Wed 22-Mar-17 09:17:22

I would take the two youngest and offer the eldest money towards whatever plans she might make with her friends.

Trifleorbust Wed 22-Mar-17 09:17:46

Right, well your 15 year old can choose whether or not to go with you and if she chooses not, stay with her dad. That's not you leaving her behind, it's her choice.

BounceBounceSplishSplash Wed 22-Mar-17 09:18:31

I think it would be awful to leave DC2 behind personally especially as she isn't in a good place at the moment. Though I wouldn't give her too much influence in deciding where you go. Just 'this is where we are going, do you want to come?'

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:18:32

Oh no she doesn't want to stay with her dad. That's the issue. She doesn't want anyone to have a holiday....

grannytomine Wed 22-Mar-17 09:18:47

I feel for DD2 but I think you and youngest deserve a break. As long as dad is reasonably reliable, I assume he is or you wouldn't be contemplating this, then I think it's fine but give her warning that you are going to book so last chance to change her mind?

Hope you have a lovely time, sounds like you could have a lovely time with youngest. I've had holidays with just one of my kids a few times, not always the same one obviously, and it is something special to look back on and alot less stressful with one.

BewtySkoolDropowt Wed 22-Mar-17 09:18:49

In 2015 I went away with one of my kids, the other didn't want to come. This year I'm doing the same, but this time is because the other can't make the dates (it's for a specific event so no flexibility). Although I'm determined to get us all on a holiday while they will both still come with me, it's fine not to take everyone.

Trifleorbust Wed 22-Mar-17 09:20:07

Strawberryshortcake40:

That's tough apples, then, isn't it? She doesn't get to dictate plans for the whole family. This shouldn't even be up for debate.

dowhatnow Wed 22-Mar-17 09:20:15

I've never really given the kids a choice about where we go. We tell them where we are going. Why are you giving middle daughter suggestions? Choose where you want to go and give her the option if coming or staying with her dad. Might be hard to do that if she us used to having a say in these things.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:20:29

I understand DD2 isn't in a good place. None of us are. Months of dealing with anger, depression, aggression, verbal onslaughts, you name it. I'm exhausted. Her little sister is exhausted. I saw a holiday as a chance for us all to regroup/rebond and move on.

grannytomine Wed 22-Mar-17 09:20:35

Just seen she is 15, I think 15 year olds who don't want to enjoy something can really suck the life out of it. If she doesn't want to go I wouldn't force it, she can have a bonding week with dad.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:21:54

I always give my children choices about things like this. There would be no point choosing the holiday I want and nobody enjoys it?

Crispbutty Wed 22-Mar-17 09:22:34

Is an AI holiday going to be too overwhelming for middle dc if she is struggling with anorexia? I'm genuinely not sure but maybe that is the reason she is being awkward.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:22:49

Dad is semi-reliable. It will be a struggle to get him to agree to this I expect as he won't want to use holiday leave to stay home with her.

Strawberryshortcake40 Wed 22-Mar-17 09:24:02

An AI holiday is no different to any other for her. She has an excuse for everything I've suggested so far.

I expect if I suggesteda holiday focused on shopping for clothes for her and unlimited spending money she would agree but not anything else.

Trifleorbust Wed 22-Mar-17 09:25:07

Strawberryshortcake40:

All due respect, OP, but the words 'rod' and 'back' spring to mind! You have given her a choice. She doesn't want to choose. You now need to choose if you want to go on holiday.

Edballsisoneniftydancer Wed 22-Mar-17 09:25:52

I have nothing to add I am afraid except lots of love and sympathy (huh, much good that ever did anyone) oh and a swift kick where it hurts to your Ex. I know we're only getting your side of it but oh my, it sounds all too plausible to me. Do the terms step and up mean NOTHING to him?

wine cake

IamFriedSpam Wed 22-Mar-17 09:26:21

I'd be wary of leaving the 15 year old with her dad as she recovers from her relapse. Sounds like she's hard work at the moment but even if she's pushing you away she might still take it as a rejection.

Crispbutty Wed 22-Mar-17 09:27:35

15 is a really awkward age. Does she have a friend who could go too? Maybe one whose parents can afford it but aren't planning on going away themselves.

DelphiniumBlue Wed 22-Mar-17 09:27:37

I've dealt with similar. Have left a moody, holiday- spoiler and hater at home alone ( aged 17 ) while going abroad with his 12 & 19 year old brothers. It was fine. We'd had a lot of holidays spoiled by fussiness/anxiety, and the rest of still wanted a break.
I've also left the oldest 2 at home while taking the youngest on a European city break - they were a bit taken aback that I wasn't offering to take them, but by then they were students who wouldn't even try to get work, and I couldn't afford to pay for everyone. They got over the shock very quickly and were fine about it. The only small issue was that DS3 would have preferred his brothers to come, but he got over that.
Take your youngest away, and have a good time doing something you both enjoy!

grannytomine Wed 22-Mar-17 09:27:37

Strawberryshortcake40 I have a feeling you are experiencing mum guilt about not taking her, we are so good at guilt aren't we. Well don't think about you think about the 10 year old, after the year you have all had does she need a nice holiday with mum. I suspect the answer is yes so do it for her.

IamFriedSpam Wed 22-Mar-17 09:27:43

Sorry forgot to say flowers sounds like a horribly rough time for everyone. What a dick your ex is too.

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