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To think that DSS isn't being a bully

(140 Posts)
Mrbluethecatt Mon 20-Mar-17 20:00:59

So there is a bit of backstory.

My DSS is 13. His DM died when he was less than a year old. He is in 2nd year at secondary school.

Last year another boy A started bullying DSS. It started low level making fun of him, taking DSS's stuff, it escalated to A saying things about DSS'S DM and eventually A punching DSS in school. A was suspended for 2 weeks after the punch. This happened last may. A has a history of bullying other kids and has been suspended for kicking a girl a few weeks into starting secondary.

Since September A has stopped bullying DSS. After the punch DSS spoke to his guidance counselor who agreed DSS should try to deflect and avoid A if DSS feels threatened in class and tell the teacher.

Since September DSS has formed a great friendship with a bunch of kids (boys and girls) who he hangs with a play and lunch and is in a number of lunchtime clubs. As they are school based clubs A is in one of the clubs.

If A come to speak to DSS, DSS gives yes no answers and usually walks away. He doesn't want to interact with A and only does the minimum. At lunch club today that A also goes to A sat next to DSS so DSS got up and moved to another seat. It was Minecraft club so they played at lunch and some of DSS's friends play online after school with DSS. A asked to join. DSS didn't say no. He said nothing it was another girl that said no.

I got a call from school saying that A's mum has reported DSS for bullying and excluding A in school. I am meeting school tomorrow.

Aibu to think DSS isn't bullying A and while A is being excluded it isn't DSS's fault.

Chloe84 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:04:44

YANBU. Where was the mum when he was bullying DSS? Probably didn't think her DS would dream of bullying anyone.

Daydream007 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:06:46

DSS is not bullying. You need to remind the school of all the bullying A has done not just to DSS but to others!

DJBaggySmalls Mon 20-Mar-17 20:09:33

YANBU and the school is gaslighting him.

IamFriedSpam Mon 20-Mar-17 20:10:44

I can almost feel sorry for A - maybe there's a reason he was behaving like such a shit (bullying parent? low self esteem), maybe he's turned over a new leaf. That said it is absolutely unreasonable to expect DSS to welcome him into his social life. Unless he's going out of his way to make sure other people exclude A then DSS is not bullying.

QuackDuckQuack Mon 20-Mar-17 20:11:01

I don't think that choosing not to interact with someone who has previously punched you is bullying.

cauliwobbles Mon 20-Mar-17 20:16:07

I think your DSS needs to learn to move on, this child sounds like he's turned over a new leaf and maybe a healthier attitude would be to forgive and forget.

isadoradancing123 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:17:13

Your diss is def not bullying. Why would he want to interact with someone who bullied him

Bestthingever Mon 20-Mar-17 20:24:10

The other mum sounds lovely! She's obviously bitter about what happened to her precious little boy and she's looking for an opportunity for revenge. Stay calm and point out the facts. If the school really wanted the boys to have a normal relationship after what happened, they should have sat them down together in a kind of 'restorative justice' session. Good luck.

RaisinsAndApple Mon 20-Mar-17 20:24:57

Your DSS does NOT need to 'learn to move on'. He is acting appropriately and is within his right to avoid interactions with A. Sounds like A has found a more oblique way to get at your DSS TBH.

Mrbluethecatt Mon 20-Mar-17 20:46:53

I have spoken to DSS. Over the last few weeks A has been repeatedly trying to sit next to and talk to DSS. DSS has either walked away or barely responded.

In September DSS and A with their respective guidance counselors sat down and talked about the bullying. DSS wanted A to apologise for saying things about his DM. About her death. A had been telling people that that she killed herself to get away from DSS. This is not true. A gave a non apology apology which the teachers accepted. DSS didn't/doesn't think A ment it as he apparently smirked. A's DM thinks that everything was settled because of this.

DSS wants nothing to do with A. DSS thinks A is setting him up to get back at him later. A has form for this.

ClemDanfango Mon 20-Mar-17 20:52:56

1.your dss is following the guidance from his counsellor
2. This boy assaulted your son
3. No adult would ever be expected to accept and make friends with someone who assaulted them
4. A's mum is a shit stirrer who's out for revenge for 'getting' her son suspended

Kitsandkids Mon 20-Mar-17 20:52:59

Go to the meeting armed with a list of things Boy A has done to your son, with a timeline of events if possible, so that you can explain to his mother, and remind the teachers if necessary, exactly what led to your son wanting to stay away from hers. Surely any decent mother would agree that it's best they keep apart when confronted with evidence!

Taylor22 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:54:33

The school can't force your DSS to befriend his former bully.
He's not being rude and to be honest I'd go down the route that A is harassing your son.
He doesn't need to interact with your son but he's going out of his way to make him feel intimidated and uncomfortable.
Your son is mature enough to not lash out or make a big deal. He just wants his space respected.

QuackDuckQuack Mon 20-Mar-17 20:57:02

Adults don't have to be friends with everyone. At work you are expected to be able to work with others, but that doesn't extend to being friends and socialising. I have no idea why some adults expect all children to be friendly with every child at school.

LittleIda Mon 20-Mar-17 21:00:18

No adult would ever be expected to accept and make friends with someone who assaulted them
Agreed and also someone who was
telling people that that his DM killed herself to get away from DSS. sad

I hope the meeting goes ok op and that the school are able to see things from your son's point of view.

Bestthingever Mon 20-Mar-17 21:21:07

Have the school spoken directly to your dss? Surely that should be their first step rather than meeting with you.

Mrbluethecatt Mon 20-Mar-17 21:39:39

No the school hasn't spoke to DSS. After last year it was agreed that any issues to do with this boy and DSS would be dealt with via the HT.

So from what i can gather. Since September there has been a number of parties,going out events that DSS was invited to. DSS's class is pretty much divided into who likes A and​ who doesn't. The dislike side is larger. There are more girls than boys in the class and all the girls don't like A as he kicked one of them first year leaving a large bruise on her stomach. A is never invited to their parties or events. DSS sometimes is. Some of the boys either have been bullied by A or prefer DSS so will only invite DSS. As a result A has only been to a handful of these events while DSS goes to at least 1 a month. DSS has no control over who is invited. DSS didn't​ invite A to his birthday event (12 class mates attended).

While it is sad A isn't invited it is not DSS's fault. There are over 100 kids in second year spilt into 5 sections. Perhaps moving A to a different section is the answer. Not that I'm going to suggest it. Of course.

Taylor22 Mon 20-Mar-17 21:54:52

Actions have consequences.
He may have woken up and realised he was vile. But to little to late.
Maybe the best thing would be for him to move schools and have a fresh start.

LittleIda Mon 20-Mar-17 21:55:59

Yes a fresh start in a different section probably would be a good idea for A. Hopefully the school will come to that conclusion themselves.

LittleIda Mon 20-Mar-17 21:56:58

Kicking someone in the stomach is pretty bad too. Not surprising the invitations are a bit thin on the ground

redexpat Mon 20-Mar-17 21:58:21

Your dss is a smart boy.

ThePiglet59 Mon 20-Mar-17 22:06:10

Child A sounds like a proper little shit.
I don't buy into all this "Oh the poor child must be damaged or have issues, let's be nice to him" nonsense about bullies.
Some kids are just little shits

MadamePomfrey Mon 20-Mar-17 22:15:40

None of this is your DSS's fault he was bullied by A, he agreed a strategy with the guidance councillor from the school (I'm guessing) he has stuck to that! The school don't have a leg to stand on surely? As for everything else your DSS isn't responsible for who gets invited to what obviously a lot of children have a problem with A. You are completely right to go in and stand up for your son. I'm sure A does feel bad at the moment because his missing out, but the school need to work with him and his mum to improve his behaviour and then hopefully the rest will fall into place.

JustSpeakSense Mon 20-Mar-17 22:32:57

I think A has very poor social skills and zero awareness of emotions.
This is why he was able to say those terrible things to your DSS.
And also why he thinks DSS should just be over it by now and be friends.
He really doesn't have a clue.

No real advice, just that observation really.

Also, your DSS is very lucky to have you fighting his corner, you sound like an awesome step mum flowers

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