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To feel like dh shouldn't do this

(21 Posts)
TheCalamityJane Mon 20-Mar-17 18:19:54

My stepkids live with me and dh full time. Dh got a new job in January and it involves a lot of traveling to the states. This leaves me all alone with four teenagers in the house for about 50% of the time.

It is awkward and hard work especially when they clash and things have gone downhill with the relationship between my stepchildren and my kids when they were once great and really close. It must feel weird to them to be parented by a stranger.

They can't go to mum because she isn't around I get on with them well but don't have much of a bond with them.

NavyandWhite Mon 20-Mar-17 18:21:58

Do you want him to change jobs? Sorry I'm unsure what you're saying.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-Mar-17 18:23:05

You've written about this before haven't you? I think your husband has a real nerve going off and expecting you to look after everyone.

TheCalamityJane Mon 20-Mar-17 18:27:23

Do you want him to change jobs? Sorry I'm unsure what you're saying.

I want him to change jobs yes I don't want to be a single mum 50% to two children who aren't mine.

Gallavich Mon 20-Mar-17 18:29:02

Of course he shouldn't do it. He has 2 kids and he can't just leave them for weeks on end. Sounds like he's already doing it though - how did it come about?

Angryangryyoungwoman Mon 20-Mar-17 18:30:03

Were the children already born when you got married?

NavyandWhite Mon 20-Mar-17 18:30:53

Yes I can understand that. It's hard enough parenting teenagers anyhow without them being stepchildren. As I'm sure that adds a different aspect to it altogether!

Why did he take the job in the first place?

BrieAndChilli Mon 20-Mar-17 18:33:24

How long have you been together? If only recently then yes it is probably weird to be a parent to kids you don't know. If it's been a few years then you should have developed a good relationship with them by now.
Did he have the kids all the time when you got together? If so then you knew what you were taking on. If again it's only recently then yes probably a bit too soon
This is why I would never live with another man if me and DH split up, it just gets too complicated for everyone involved. I'd rather keep the 2 semi seperate until the kids are grown up.

Allthebestnamesareused Mon 20-Mar-17 18:45:33

How do you propose he is going to support the 4 children (and possibly you) if he gives up his job?

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 20-Mar-17 18:48:58

I feel so sad for the stepkids. Mum not around, not much bond with the person they spend the most time with, dad off in the States avoiding them (it must feel). Poor buggers.

What was the discussion around the job? Alternatives?

sick0fmykids Mon 20-Mar-17 18:51:49

I dont think i would agree to that!

BackforGood Mon 20-Mar-17 19:07:36

It's not that straightforward though, is it?

Depends on all sorts of things like how long you have jointly been parents to the youngsters. How long he has been doing the job. If the travel is new. What you expect him to do if he gives up the job. This is all intertwined with finance and prospects and career paths, etc. Part of a much bigger conversation, not as simple as "don't let him go".

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Mon 20-Mar-17 19:29:45

It must be really hard for your step children, feel for them in this situation.
You need to speak to your DH about alternatives, just giving up his job is ridiculous -what discussion went before accepting this role?

Trifleorbust Mon 20-Mar-17 19:32:21

It depends on quite a few factors, as pp have said. What were the circumstances around him taking on a job with so much travel? How long have you been together?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 20-Mar-17 19:37:59

You can feel any way you like.

What do you want to do about it though?

Love51 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:41:02

This is the sort of thing that would need lots of discussion in a nuclear family, (if that's the right term) because you can't automatically expect your child's other parent to facilitate this degree of absenteeism. I think when you add in the step element, a few more checks and reassurances from the dh would be in order. Our kids aren't teens yet, but we did the working apart thing pre kids, and it put a strain on a very simple setup, which yours isn't. Your dh is asking a lot, does he not realise, or not care?

GirlElephant Tue 21-Mar-17 06:16:17

OP agree with other posters what was discussed when his lifestyle changed?

Happyfeet1972 Tue 21-Mar-17 06:49:40

Of course he shouldn't do it. Poor kids indeed, what the hell would he do if you two split up? I'd expect my DP to only take a job with such implications by discussing it through with me first (and me him)...And that's without 4 kids in the mix , 2 of which aren't even yours.

NapQueen Tue 21-Mar-17 06:52:28

It must feel weird to them to be parented by a stranger

How on earth are you a stranger to them if they live with you full time and you and their dad are married?

What an odd thing to say

Euphemia Tue 21-Mar-17 06:52:34

How did you react when he said "I'm thinking of applying for this job that will take me to the US 50% of the time."?

user1486915549 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:15:31

You say you are a stranger to them.
Have you only just got together with their father ?

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