To refuse this lunch invitation after all?(55 Posts)
I've been going round and round and can't decide, so thought I'd turn to MN for some unbiased opinions...
I have had no contact with my mother for three years. I won't bore you with the details, but this decision followed decades of insults, being hit, being treated like a skivvy and worst of all, being 'forced' to listen to her trying to make excuses for the brother who sexually abused me when I was young.
This year my eldest son turned 21. He knows why I don't speak to my mother (indeed, 4 out of her six children don't speak to her) but wanted to invite her to his family party. He told me it was totally up to me, that he would understand if I felt I couldn't etc. But- well, it was PFB, I thought 'How bad can it be?' etc. So I invited her.
It was pretty rough, tbh. She made much of one of my brothers (whilst also telling everyone there, including him, how very fat he has got), spoke to another- and virtually ignored me. Fine, that was fine by me.
I was then told that she was going round everyone in the party claiming not to know that I had separated from my XH. She did know, she sent me a text at the time. (In addition to the above reasons for stopping contact, she has a history of making everything about her, so this was no surprise to me). She then said to me that we would talk "when we both feel ready. Obviously she was now going to act the martyr, the poor unloved mother who was kept out of the loop.
Anyway. Last week she sent me a text inviting me to lunch at a local restaurant, before the Easter holidays. After some thought I replied that I couldn't as I was grading on Mothers' Day and training a lot before that, but perhaps during summer term. (For clarification- I do karate. I have done for 14 years, this is my 3rd dan black belt grading. She has been to at least one of my gradings).
She replied with "Good luck with your grading. Whatever it is. love Mum.'
Now I don't want to go at all- in all fairness, I didn't really want to go before, but now I feel that if she's going to be that petty, I have no interest in going.
But- maybe I'm being harsh? The 'whatever it is' part of the text sounded, to me, like she was pretending not to know what it was I was going to be doing and how important it is to me. She always oh-so-hilariously called it jiu-jitsu, because she disapproves of karate and it was her way of ridiculing it.
Was I wrong? AIBU to refuse to go?
(sorry for lengthy epistle and thank you if you slogged through to the end)
Yanbu at all.
Delete her number and block her though- why put yourself through the stress of being in contact with her?
Why would you want to have any contact with this woman, and why on Earth did your son feel that it was OK to invite her to the party?
What was he thinking?
To be fair to ds1, he was very understanding-but he lost his father three years ago, his paternal grandmother two years ago and hasn't ever had the sort of relationship where someone who is supposed to love you treats you abominably. He is very much of the ' You might regret it when she dies' school of thought.
The rest is complicated-or not at all, I suppose. I know that she hassles my sister more (which has led to my sister cutting her off too), and the one brother who still cares enough to try ( this isn't the abusive one, btw, with whom she is still in contact). I think I've been trying to make everyone else's life easier-but at the expense of my own well-being.
I am glad to see that others don't think I'm being unreasonable though! Just goes to show how powerful these people can be...
Please don't go. She won't change, and you deserve better. You've done brilliantly in rising above her manipulation and making a good life, but I know only too well how insidious emotional blackmail can be. You don't owe her anything; nor is it your responsibility to take the flak to protect your siblings. Take care of yourself xx
Thank you so much guys.
I know this wasn't the most thrilling of threads so I very much appreciate you taking the time to reply.
I'm not going to go for lunch. It would only open the door for more unpleasantness and even the thought of that is making my stress levels rise, so I'm going to leave well enough alone.
I know you've already made your decision. I just wanted to add I think you made the right one.
I'm all up for building bridges when someone's changed. But it doesn't look like she has. You don't deserve to be put through all of that again.
Take care of yourself
Don't go, not because of the text but because you don't want to go. You don't owe her anything.
So your mother worked her way back in and spreads her poison amongst your family?
She's not going to change, is she? Mothers Day is a celebration of the relationship. You don't describe anything between the two of you that requires celebration.
Walk away! You gave her another chance and she didn't even try to modify her behaviour that day. Cut contact again. Block her number. She is obviously toxic.
PS I have family who do karate so I'm pretty impressed that you're doing your 3rd dan grading!!
Oh, thank you FaithAgain It's my second attempt so I'm really hoping this will be it!
I have to say, it's very reassuring to find that strangers (can't think of a better word at this time of the morning! MNers are more than strangers though) are so solidly of the same mind as me. Obviously my friends are supportive, but then they would be, wouldn't they? It's alarmingly easy to lose sight of the realities when family is involved.
On the basis of what you said in your post, I wouldn't go, but would like to ask .... was this to be just a twosome lunch with just her and you, or was it a family/group thing? If it was to be just the two of you, them maybe, just maybe, she was trying to reach out a conciliatory hand. Personally, I wouldn't rule it out indefinitely. If she does ask again at some point, I would consider going. You can always get up and leave if she gets heavy.
For context, I was a keen horse rider when my mum was alive, but she never really "got it" and was often heard to refer to it as "pony trekking" or some other less then flattering or accurate term. I really wouldn't take the text comment too literally.
Walk away, delete, block and live your life free of this unpleasant person. I hope your son now has a better understanding of how negative and awful this woman is.
Don't go! You're only setting yourself up to be hurt again. There is no positive side here!
I wouldn't do anything dramatic, just reply less to her messages until she gets the message.
MrsExpo I'm not sure whether it was to be the two of us or if my sister was also invited. As it happens my sister has had little contact with her since her (my sister's) birthday in January, when our mother phoned her not to wish her a happy birthday but to demand that she come round and take down dirty net curtains in preparation for abusive brother's impending visit...
It was the consideration of it being a conciliatory gesture that made me think twice ,but as highinthesky and FaithAgain said- I gave her a chance and she couldn't even behave for that.
She never has admitted that she ever did anything wrong and indeed will turn everything around and make out that we are cruel/mad/bullies if we dare to call her out on her behaviour.
You don't want to. That's all the reason you need.
Sometimes a blood tie makes us hang on too long to relationships that we would otherwise walk away from.
I admire you for considering to try again and also giving your DS the support to invite who he likes. Clearly you're doing parenting the way your mother never could.
Delete/ block/ move on until such a day comes where you see she's changed (or is willing to)
If you were nc with her for 3 years, and due to those horrific circumstances, why would you even entertain having lunch with her. Continue your non contact with her.
So this woman has made your life a misery ever since you can remember, and continues to do so every chance she gets? And most of the family knows exactly what she's like.
I'm confused as to why you would even consider giving her another chance. She doesn't deserve it, and you deserve to be shot of her. I would say go completely NC, and don't let her get to you. Not your fault, and you shouldn't have to live your life so stressed by it.
A lunch with this woman would be concentrated one to one abuse. she will vent her pent up abuse from the whole time you have been NC. I have experience of this. I have been NC with my sister for a decade. We only see each other at funerals but as soon as she gets within earshot of me she actually re-starts the conversation we had all that time ago. This is freakish but true. Your mother is trying to engineer a change to let off steam. Don't go there. Take more care of yourself than that please OP.
another 'cut contact' vote here. yanbu, and please don't feel guilty for blocking her. if she wasn't your mum you would have cut contact long, long ago. she's had more than her fair share of chances.
Don't go, I wouldn't even have explained why as she will use any information you provide to belittle you. I would simply reply with "No, that doesn't work for me" to any future invites.
Don't go. She won't change, and she won't bring anything good to your life.
She sounds awful and I don't think you should go. I think shes just hoovering you back. There's no change. You gave her a chance because your son wanted thar. Now go back tk doing the sensible thing and not allowing people like that to poison your life
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