AIBU to think mum should stop co-sleeping with her 12 year old DD?

(82 Posts)
windygallows Mon 20-Mar-17 14:27:00

A friend has always co-slept with her DD who is now 12 years old. They are very close but it seems to be causing problems as her DD won't go on sleepovers at others and won't go away on overnight trips for school or otherwise - she just misses her mum too much and needs to be with her mum in order to fall to sleep.

It really does seem like stopping co-sleeping makes sense and would encourage a greater degree of independence in her DD. At the end of the day it's her business and I would never advise her one way or the other, am just canvassing to know if I'm BU for wondering this. Does anyone else co-sleep with their pre-teen?

I should say I'm a big supporter of co-sleeping and did the same with my 3 DCs but only to the age of 3-4.

Unpropergrammer Mon 20-Mar-17 14:28:38

I agree with you. At 12 it's time her daughter had privacy and at the moment she's not getting it.

ImFuckingSpartacus Mon 20-Mar-17 14:29:48

Yes, you are BU to be asking about other peoples personal business.
But you're hardly the only one here, its full of people poking their noses in and having a good old judge, and asking others to judge with them.
hmm

Rioja123 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:30:31

Bloody hell, sharing a bed with your mum at 12?! But I don't really think it's your place to tell her.

kateclarke Mon 20-Mar-17 14:31:19

I co slept with my dd until this age. She went to her own bed at 12 as she was ready. So long as she has her own bed and isn't pressed into co sleeping its fine imo.

ASDismynormality Mon 20-Mar-17 14:31:42

Not being able to sleep without her mum is concerning in a 12 year old, I would assume she has some sort of SEN.

I have no problems with my children sleeping with me if needed on holiday or musical beds due to sickness but at 12 every night doesn't seem right especially as it's getting in the way of school trips, sleepovers etc.

kateclarke Mon 20-Mar-17 14:32:43

Loads of people do but don't talk about it. Just read these answers and see why.

windygallows Mon 20-Mar-17 14:39:33

Spartacus - Chill! I'm asking as have no one to ask in real life. I think it's a fair question to ask as I don't know the sleeping practices of most of the population and not something people readily talk about.

TeenAndTween Mon 20-Mar-17 14:46:18

My DD is 12. In the last year I have occasionally co-slept with her at the start of the night (she gets kicked out when DH comes to bed). It helps calm and de-stress her. So there are valid reasons to do this. However, DD mainly sleeps in her own bed, and is capable of going on trips away.

witsender Mon 20-Mar-17 14:49:17

I can easily see one of ours wanting to be in with us at 12. It doesn't normally correlate with not wanting to sleep away... I never slept with my parents by hated sleepovers or prolonged 'play dates' until my mid teens, I just got so homesick.

paxillin Mon 20-Mar-17 14:50:03

Maybe she co-sleeps and doesn't go on sleepovers because she's anxious? I doubt one caused the other.

AnUtterIdiot Mon 20-Mar-17 14:50:46

I don't think there's anything wrong with the odd night but if she can't fall asleep anywhere other than in bed with her mum at 12 that can't be good for her. I don't see it as a privacy issue - lots of children share rooms, lots of adults share rooms for all sorts of reasons. I just think that it's bad to be so dependent on a parent that you can't sleep if they're not in the room with you. If that's judgy and nosy then judgy and nosy is what I am.

harderandharder2breathe Mon 20-Mar-17 14:52:43

Mind your own business.

As long as the child isn't pressured into it and both mother and daughter are happy with the situation there's nothing wrong with it.

crumpetsandcoffee Mon 20-Mar-17 14:54:26

I think it's more common than people think, And she will eventually grow out of it herself. My dd still sleeps in my bed at 12 although it's becoming less and less now

HecateAntaia Mon 20-Mar-17 14:57:37

It's not the norm certainly but as long as they are both choosing it that's for them to decide. including accepting anything that results from that choice - eg not doing sleepovers etc

It will come to a natural end. You wont be hearing about mum co sleeping with her 30 yr old daughter.

As you rightly say, it's not your business and you wont be saying anything.

Rainydayspending Mon 20-Mar-17 14:59:41

My best friend at secondary school used to regularly sleep in her mum's bed. She has no SEN / adjustment problems. It was a cultural thing (parent from a country where a family bedroom is quite common until around 13 or 14).

RicottaPancakes Mon 20-Mar-17 15:02:42

Can't see a problem if they are both happy and the child has a choice. It used to be the norm here and still is in many countries/cultures.

Itsnotwhatitseems Mon 20-Mar-17 15:04:47

All situations are different, I Co-slept with my DD until she was 17 but we had both suffered domestic abuse from her father and my XP so sleeping near me was a comfort (to us both), she still shares a bed, but with her boyfriend (she is now 22)

Trifleorbust Mon 20-Mar-17 15:06:12

Provided this is her preference, I don't see the issue.

ICancelledTheCheque Mon 20-Mar-17 15:19:21

Yeah, that's bonkers. I co slept for two years.

Part of your job as a parent of a 12 year old is to encourage independence. Co sleeping to the extent that the child can't be alone because they miss mummy isn't helping them in the slightest.

novemberontrumpwatch Mon 20-Mar-17 15:21:35

Yes, you are BU to be asking about other peoples personal business

This.

Lespritdelsietanner Mon 20-Mar-17 17:21:50

Maybe she co-sleeps and doesn't go on sleepovers because she's anxious? I doubt one caused the other.

^ This.

DS co-slept with us until end of Y6. He happily went off and slept in his own bed on sleepovers, weekends away at grandparents and a week long school trip. Some children just don't like being away from home and co-sleeping is not necessarily the root cause.

Ohyesiam Mon 20-Mar-17 17:41:07

It sounds to be as if the girl had anxiety issues, not sleep arrangement issue.

PandoraMole Mon 20-Mar-17 18:03:51

There may be all sorts of reasons behind it...its really none of your business as I'm sure you're aware.

My 12yo DD comes across as quite feisty, independent and strong willed but she still likes me to put her to bed and have a cuddle before she settles down. Sometimes we'll have a sleepover in her room or mine and she'll stay over with GPs and her oldest best mate.

My mum constantly goes on about (we're living with her atm) but we've had a shitty year resulting in her being quite wobbly emotionally and until we're through the other side I have no intention of stopping our bedtime routine.

Notcontent Mon 20-Mar-17 18:12:33

I think it's one of those things that happens more often than people realise but hardly anyone talks about it as it's considered so taboo... Let's face it - lots of people have trouble sleeping - it's not unusual - and in historical times it was very unusual for anyone to actually sleep all alone in a room!

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