To dislike DP's DD?

[UglyChristmasPullovers]

About 6 months or so ago, my DP, her DS, and her DD moved into my house. Now, I've known from the start that her DD never really liked me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a woman or because I'm less than approx. 5 years older than her (she's 20), but I have always tried to be civil and respectful. Her DS (who is 8) doesn't seem to have a problem with me.

Now, I'm not asking for much. But is it too much for me to want her to treat me as she would a regular housemate at the very least? To list a couple of her shenanigans:

• She drives my car without my permission.
  
• She steals my dresses/shoes/makeup and attributes it to the jolly old excuse of "I thought it was my mum's".
  
• She likes spreading rumours to my DP of me dating other people when I'm home late.
  
• I like my house being as close to "immaculate" as possible and she constantly invites large groups of friends over who obviously do not share that principle.
  
• She has a very vile name she uses when referring to me.
  

etc.

I don't feel like it's my place to tell her off or be in any way harsh to her. I've spoken to my DP countless times about this, and she just says that I should "bear with it for a few more years till she gets out of uni". The thing is, I'm not sure if it's just going to be a "few more years". DD seems very work-shy, having never had a single job in her life. She also doesn't even seem to be very interested in uni from looking at some of the grades she brings home + her attendance records.

Sappy but I love my DP more than anything else; don't think I've ever felt this connection to anyone before her. I just am starting to dislike her DD so very much. AIBU to feel that? Is this some normal thing that people feel when their parent starts dating someone else and that I should get over myself?

[ollieplimsoles]

How long have you and your dp been together?
I think your dp is been a bit soft, she can't let her daughter effectively steal your car. The dd is also an adult, so I would be telling her in no uncertain terms not to take my frigging car!
Why is she living with you, can she get her own place? (the dd)

[runningLou]

Is she really 20 with an 8 yo DS? Did she have him when she was 12?? If so maybe she has some serious unresolved issues because her years of teenage rebellion were left by the wayside as she had a child?

[MrsDc7]

I think she means her partner has a 20 year old DD and an 8 year old DS. Not the DD has a DS

[Hardyloveit]

Runninglou....... that's the dd age?

I'd be telling the dd to either abide by house rules or find somewhere else! She's 20!! Old enough to be mature and grow up a little? You need to have. A frank discussion with your dp too about how this is making you feel etc

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

Lou no...the 8 year old is also the child of the OP's partner...the OP's partner has a 20 year old and an 8 year old.

[RentANDBills]

YANBU to dislike her, she sounds like a complete bitch.

Get a wheel lock for your car, so she at least can't drive it.
Alternatively, if you're feeling particularly aggressive about it, when she next takes it out without permission - report it as stolen. As she is stealing it!

Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your DP as this could end up being a deal breaker.

[ImperialBlether]

So your house, which would be your own safe place, has had three more people move in, one of whom really dislikes you? I couldn't cope with that! Even three people who did like me would make me feel like it wasn't my home.

If I were you I wouldn't live with your partner until she lives separately from her daughter.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Sorry, bit confused. Is she studying at the mo? Did she decide to go back to study A levels? She's 20 so I'm not sure where she's at iyswim.

TBH name calling alone would not be on imo in your own home. Was it your property before and they moved in?

I think this is more like the relationship between being a technically step to an adult even if she is immature. It's not really the same as parenting. Bit if a confusing area.

[Hannahbanana1725]

Report it stolen if she takes your car again. She's being a complete bitch and needs to get over it

[runningLou]

Sorry!! Major mis-read. It sounds like she could jealous of you and your closer relationship with her DM and she is taking it out on you. Is there any way you could try and build a friendship with her and show her you aren't trying to take her DM's attention away from her? How does your DP react when she does this stuff?

[blackteasplease]

I wouldn't live with your partner til she is no longer living with her dd either.

[WateryTart]

Tell her to find somewhere else to live. It's your house and she's an adult.

[BillSykesDog]

She's 20 and at University. I'm not sure how this makes her 'work shy'.

She does sound like some of the stuff she is doing is out of order. But you don't sound like a walk in the park yourself. I think if you invite a partner with an 8 year old and a young adult to live with you, you have to accept your house will no longer be immaculate. You also need to accept you are not her parent and shouldn't be commenting on things like her grades. It also can't be particularly pleasant for her and her mother to know she is there on sufferance and expected to leave asap.

I think you need to sit down with DD and get her to agree that although you might not get along the one thing you do have in common is that you both love her mother and want her to be happy.

I think the way you described it here is good. Ask her to give you the consideration a housemate would expect (not a parent). Ask that cleaning up after her friends is done and gatherings of more than 3 friends prewarned and okayed. Ask her to respect the privacy of your bedroom. If she and her mother have a habit of swapping clothes, consider storing them in a wardrobe outside the door. Don't get involved or comment on grades or attendance. Forbid the car taking, on that one it's acceptable to tell her you will report it stolen if it continues. And hide the keys.

Ask her not to use the name or to say unpleasant things about your character to you.

But you also need to be clear from the start of the conversation that you are also prepared to listen to what she needs from you too. And do listen to her and try to work it out. Treating her like an adult and an equal may get through to her.

[Saltedcaramel2016]

I think it is time to have serious words with your DP. Maybe you should move apart for a while until the daughter is independent.

[LadyHenriettaSlavingtonWold]

To be honest, I would have the whole lot of them move out again if she is like this and your partner is not dealing with it (well, I would let the DS stay, although he of course couldn't without his mum. Feel sorry for the poor little mite).
You are going to have to have a good talk to your DP about this.

[LurkingHusband]

- She drives my car without my permission.

Then it's not insured.

[knowler]

No, you're NBU. She is an adult but is behaving like a petulant child. I would be asking your DP to step up to support you far more than it sounds like she is at the minute. If my DP stood by and let anyone, let alone a family member, refer to me with a 'vile' name, I would be livid and desperately hurt and DP hadn't stuck up for me.

I do however think that the age gap between you two might be blurring boundaries here and, consequently, while it's not your role to comment on her grades, attendance at uni, that sort of thing, you are her mum's partner now and she may be finding it difficult to reconcile this with the fact that you're very close to her own age.

[Atenco]

Report it stolen if she takes your car again

Oh come off it, that will really be great for the OP's relationship with her mother!

I think you should ask your DP to move out and just date her. The dd obviously wants to break up your relationship and will succeed if you allow her behaviour to be a matter of contention between you and her mother. Mothers are like tigers, we can criticise our children but we do not take kindly to other people doing it.

[Moanyoldcow]

Your DP needs to deal with this pretty quickly. She's not a kid, she doesn't have to like you but she can be civil and respectful.

What is she doing that University will be 'a few more years'? Tell your DP that a charge for car theft will affect her future employ so she had better stop taking your car without permission. (Not suggesting you actually press charges at this stage - just a bit of a frightener!)

I would just say that I have seen several friends' relationships fall apart horribly owing to a parent's unwillingness to properly deal with hostile relationships between children and step-parents.

Hope you can all work through this.

[Annesmyth123]

Is she insured on your car?

[BonnyScotland]

this is not even remotely funny... you need to get this sorted FAST

[Nanny0gg]

If she;s not insured then she does need reporting. If she is take her off.

Why did you move in together knowing she doesn't like you? Sounds like she didn't want to move.

What does her mother think?

[ItsOooohSoQuiet]

Time for ultimatums I think. "Grow up or get out". You shouldn't have to put up with that in your own home. And yes to reporting her to the police if she steals your car! Warn her once you will do so. Then do it. It'll do no more harm to your relationship than your DP's lack of backbone in dealing with her DD's behaviour.

[diddl]

Put up with it for a few more years?

Does she treat her own mum so badly & therefore her mum can't see the difference?

Does your partner actually respect you & your right to not have your car stolen or your clothes gone through & borrowed?

[EdmundCleverClogs]

Whilst I think the daughter sounds at least immature (think calling her a bitch when we're only getting one side is a bit much), it sounds to me like she's not dealing very well with her mum's new relationship. Why do you think that is?

Is this her mum's first openly gay relationship? Did you two move in together quickly? Why was it to your place, has her daughter lost her home? Did your partner leave anyone (daughters dad) for you?

The car thing is in a big issue. However if you get the police involved, it really could ruin your relationship. You could at least use it as a threat I suppose, but if it doesn't scare her it's a bit of an empty threat. If you kick her out, it may damage her relationship with her mum.

The having friends around part is just what happens in families. I'm guessing the son will be similar when he's slightly older, and whilst it's important to respect the family home, kids usually mean saying goodbye to 'immaculate'.