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To think my friends have behaved terribly?

(323 Posts)
NC543212345 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:02:47

NC for this, will try and keep it vague.
Basically I don't feel like I can be around our 'friends' anymore after the way they have behaved but dh thinks I am unreasonable.
They adopted 2 girls a year ago, it took a lot of time and effort to get through the adoption process but they finally got their wish and got these 2 gorgeous girls.
One of the girls struggled to settle and would hit out and have temper tantrums. Very much to be expected imo as she is still very young.
'Friends' have decided that actually they can't continue living like this and have decided the girls aren't the right fit for them!

I'm probably taking it too personally but I just can not believe they are giving in so easily and now these girls have to go through more turmoil, deal with more rejection and start all over again. I am furious with them and don't think I can ever look them in the eye again. Dh thinks we shouldn't judge but I don't think I can help it. Are you even able to just give them back?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Mon 20-Mar-17 13:03:43

Unless you have walked a mile in their shoes you really have no idea.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:05:08

I don't think it's like Dogs Trust where you get to hand them back tbh!!

CMamaof4 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:07:35

Oh no that's awful, I have to say I would feel the same as you, wishiwasmoiradingle hits the nail on the head totally agree with you.

armpitz Mon 20-Mar-17 13:07:40

Friends of mine ended up in a similar position.

My heart went out to them. It's very easy to say that you would never give up on a child until you've been in that position. Also, it's always the people who have never adopted who piously say THEY would never ... Because they've never had to.

ZilphasHatpin Mon 20-Mar-17 13:09:06

Surely they need support from people who have experience in adoption? This has to be expected that children who are adopted older than babies. Don't they have a case worker or something who can refer them into relevant support? You can't just hand your children back because they are hard work!

xStefx Mon 20-Mar-17 13:09:20

Oh dear, no comments on the parents but those poor little girls :-(

Maudlinmaud Mon 20-Mar-17 13:09:30

Can you give children back if you have adopted them? I know you shouldn't judge but fuck me that's low.

ImFuckingSpartacus Mon 20-Mar-17 13:09:50

I don't think it's like Dogs Trust where you get to hand them back tbh!!

Sadly it is, Adoption UK estimate that as many as one third of adoptions break down.

NC543212345 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:11:03

That's exactly what I thought Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 sad

I know it's so easy to judge but I have and still am dealing with similar things to them. My youngest has SN and is violent a lot of the time. I don't know if it's different because he is biologically mine but I would never give up on him. The guilt would never leave me.

Deadsouls Mon 20-Mar-17 13:11:05

Without getting the full details, I'd have to say that I might find it difficult too to maintain a friendship if I didn't say anything about it.
I'd feel really inauthentic if I had to stuff my feelings down around it. It does sound really upsetting. I wonder what's going on that they just decided they can't go on,

Moanyoldcow Mon 20-Mar-17 13:11:21

Failed adoptions are actually reasonably common and you can indeed give up your parental rights and return the children to the care of Social Services.

I am sure this must've been a heartbreaking decision for them. I'd not judge them too harshly - you probably only hear about the 'least bad' parts. One's biological children can tear lives and marriages apart; adoption comes with myriad other problems in addition to the 'usual' issues.

What a terribly sad situation.

user1484750550 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:12:31

YANBU, those poor girls!

However, we obviously don't know the exact circumstances.

You didn't say how long the girls have been with this couple. Did you? How long have they had them?

armpitz Mon 20-Mar-17 13:12:51

You can Maud

It's called adoption breakdown.

Some children, no matter what you do, give, say, love - will never settle into a family home. Ever.

They will attack your other children, whether birth or adopted, try to kill your pets, render you unable to work or even leave the house much and when you beg SS for help you will be told they are your children and your problem.

People who are approved for adoption are stable people, who have proved as much as possible they can parent a child adequately, so why do so many break down? It's not because of evil parents who can't be bothered, trust me.

armpitz Mon 20-Mar-17 13:13:26

NC that's so fucking offensive

smilingsarahb Mon 20-Mar-17 13:14:03

I can't think of a sadder situation, those poor children...but also those poor friends. Some adopted children are so traumatised they can't form a bond and test and test their new parents and adoption services aren't always honest before and support can be minimal to nothing. I doubt they are taking this decision lightly. It's a harrowing one all round.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Mon 20-Mar-17 13:14:47

They won't have done it on a whim! It will have been an agonising decision with a lot of discussion and advice from the team of people in the adoption and associated services.

I wouldn't presume to judge something you blatantly know nothing about. I would think this has been a horrendous experience for everyone involved including your friends.

It also strikes me that you piously say you would never give up on an adoption while being fully prepared to cast aside your friends. That's not friendship.

harderandharder2breathe Mon 20-Mar-17 13:14:48

A significant amount of adoptions fail. Especially with older children.

Don't judge your friends just when they need your support the most. I'm sure they haven't made this decision lightly.

IamFriedSpam Mon 20-Mar-17 13:16:00

Are you sure you know the full story? Could there be other issues beyond temper tantrums that point to long term issues. I find it fairly difficult to believe that anyone would go through a long adoption process then give up at the first (very expected) bump in the road.

CMamaof4 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:16:13

A year is also not very long in the grand scheme of things, When I split from my ex it took a year for my son to develop a relationship and trust with my dh as his father had previously abandoned him. My son was 2 years old. They have a proper father/son relationship now years later.
I'm not sure what these two girls have been through but I imagine alot worse, and that they are older, A year is simple not long enough.

I have four kids and me and dh have been thinking of adoption in the future of an older child and funny enough me and dh had this conversation last night about the fact that we knew it would probably be really difficult for the children in the beginning, I think its something you should expect and prepare yourself for, It takes time to build that bond.
I would loose masses of respect for my friends too..

armpitz Mon 20-Mar-17 13:16:50

It's always the people who are thinking about adoption who judge adopters.

Funny that.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:17:04

Well I personally hope they dont get 'better' behaved replacements.
When you become a parent you take the bad with the good.
That's called parenting. .

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 20-Mar-17 13:17:46

I didn't think you could be unadopted.
They can't have made this decision lightly. Their hearts must be broken.
They need your support and understanding. Not your judgement.
Mind you. I doubt you can make them feel worse than they already do.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone Mon 20-Mar-17 13:17:47

It's a rubbish situation but it's them that are living it. You can have an opinion but it's their lives at the end of the day and if they are all unhappy they may just be doing what they feel is best for the children. I can't imagine that a couple that wanted these children would take the decision lightly xx

Deadsouls Mon 20-Mar-17 13:17:58

Maybe you're tapping into the tragedy of the situation as a whole because it is sad all round, for both girls and your friends.
But also looking to blame your friends or direct your anger toward them?

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