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To feel as angry as I do?

(25 Posts)
loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 10:41:26

Posted a few times last year about my ex leaving me during a planned pregnancy this time last year and the subsequent grief that came from him and his family. We haven't spoken since April last year and he has never met my son, who is now five months old. November last year I received some messages from his sister, who has children, full of lies and digs at me. She wanted me to basically clear up her brother's mess and agree to supporting a relationship between my son and her own children and became angry with me when I asked obvious questions like how the hell she expected that to happen when her brother plays a seemingly active role in her children's lives but doesn't see his own son, playing uncle of the year basically, something which she denied despite all evidence to the contrary with claims that he hardly saw them, she thought he was an asshole etc, it all became very self pitying and accusatory so I just blocked her and haven't heard anything since.

Fast forward to last month. I've had them all blocked on social media and through any contactable means for a long time now but the odd thing will filter through along the grapevine or other people's accounts much to my annoyance; in this instance, I found out through a friend that one of my ex's sisters children had passed away from a short illness. Absolutely horrendous, I can't imagine anything worse and of course I felt beyond sympathy and sorrow for her; I cried for two nights just thinking about it but I've not been in contact because there isn't really a need for me to be, but my issue is this: my ex is once again playing the whole 'oh look what a nice guy I am' card and receiving so much kindness and good wishes and it makes me so angry. I don't mean to say that he wouldn't be hurting due to the circumstances because of course he would, but it's the fact that he has never shown a care or regard for his own child, something which mutual friends who have children don't seem to be bothered by which astounds me, and yet people are calling him wonderful because he shared a picture of the children or wrote something nice which gets shared a hundred times etc, and I'm just sitting there like he's an asshole and a deadbeat dad, how is nobody offended by this?! How can anybody think he's a good person when his sister's child has died and he still isn't bothered about his own? If it was my own brother, I would be beyond offended if he tried to offer me comfort or publicly displayed his grief over my child but had nothing to do with his own through his own choice. The hypocrisy makes my blood boil.

How all of that can happen and not actually move him to do something about it just makes me beyond disgusted; as a parent, I'm affected by the majority of things involving kids because it always resonates, and I just can't get my head around his side of things.

My question is aibu to feel as much anger as I do for him? Most days, it rarely crosses my mind but then I have the odd thought about it every so often and it just fills me with such intense anger. One day I'm going to have to explain to my son why he doesn't have a father and, while I'm actually relieved that we don't have to deal with such an apparently morally bankrupt individual, it still infuriates me that he is actually capable of doing all that he does and that my son is the one who will someday be affected by it. How do you explain to a child that his father wanted nothing to do with him but was perfectly happy to spend time on someone else's kids?

Sorry if this is long and I hope I haven't given the wrong impression to anyone.

Squirmy65ghyg Mon 20-Mar-17 10:51:22

YANBU. I'm in the same situation re NC ex. No idea what the answer is. I get really angry too some times.

corlan Mon 20-Mar-17 10:54:11

YANBU at all loulou.
You should be angry. You should be absolutely furious.
We live in a society where men get to abandon their children and fail to support their children financially and yet suffer very little condemnation for this.
It's disgusting and it's something we should all be angry about.
You can't understand his behaviour because it's completely beyond the bounds of how any decent person would behave.
The anger fades as time passes but it will always be there and it should always be there because what has been done to you and your son is beyond contempt.

Ampersand22 Mon 20-Mar-17 10:59:06

Anger is complicated and you have every right to feel it, but not forever, for your own sake and for your son.

I appreciate it's hard and that you've done what you can to cut down on what news you hear about him and his life, but this has slipped through and it is a shock because your defences are sometimes not enough.

Any chance you could come off social media for a few weeks until your utterly disgusting cockwomble waste of skin ex has stopped milking this situation?

Don't worry love, any person worth their salt will see what a hypocritical prick he is, and those who don't, they are not worth your anger. I sometimes suspect our worst anger is anger at ourselves for having been so thoroughly taken in by someone so awful for a while.

Smile, be happy, think of the future, keep moving on.

Olympiathequeen Mon 20-Mar-17 11:09:35

Yanbu and I'm pleased the anger isn't all consuming, as it so easily could be. Your ex is an utter shit.

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 11:30:59

Thank you all flowers good to know I'm not overreacting or anything.

Squirmy I'm sorry the same happened to you, though I imagine you, like me, and your DC are much better off, though it doesn't always placate the anger, as you know.

corlan It really is shocking, isn't it. You're right though, I will always be angry about it but I do try to channel it into something good when it does flare up by doing something good for my son, but yeah, it just completely astounds me.

Ampersand You're completely right, it was a shock and like I said, just the hypocrisy of the situation made me furious. How not a single person in his life hasn't had the same thoughts as me, especially those with kids, makes me sick with anger. Very true, he became someone I didn't recognise and I feel like such a fool and that just adds to the anger when it does flare up; and obviously I think to myself how did I not see this somehow? But he had and has a lot of other people fooled too; apparently doing enough nice things is enough to disguise utterly hideous actions that nobody in their right mind should ignore hmm Yeah I've been off it a bit, it is decreasing again now so hopefully should go away soon enough!

Olympiathequeen haha couldn't have put it better myself! You think you know someone after five years but there you go!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 20-Mar-17 11:41:30

Loulou, you are completely reasonable to be angry, as others have said. I wouldn't necessarily assume than no-one else has seen though him. I thought this for years about XH. It turned out that others, within his church group (oh the irony) had in fact seen through him too. Made me feel better. You might find that this sort of 'validation'(?) will trickle through for you too. I hope you start to feel a bit better about this soon. As Corlan said, as women and as a society we should feel angry about this, but please live a happy life regardless flowers

Ampersand22 Mon 20-Mar-17 12:02:03

Nobody that awful ever has normal people around them (for long). All of them are that awful. Put them all in the same bin and be firm with yourself if you "go there" for any length of time.

I think leaving you was the best thing ever to happen to you and your boy. It's fucking shit, yes but see it as an opportunity if you can. Anger is healthy and cleansing too, better that than mooning over him and being in denial or a thousand other worse scenarios. You've got his number now, good for you for seeing it, so fuck him, he can't hurt you anymore.

Italwaysworksitselfout Mon 20-Mar-17 12:17:14

You should feel furious but within time it should subside. Think of it this way....you are the one who gets to bring up your child without any input from this man. It is you who can take all credit for what a fabulous, kind and amazing person you have raised by yourself. Your son will grow up to be a well rounded and balanced man because he didn't have a hypocritical and self absorbed dick of a father having a say in his up bringing.
I was in your position. I was furious almost to the point of obsession but when I realised that my ds1and 2 had everything they needed in life from me, I suddenly felt calm and took pride in the fact that I had done it all myself 😆
The boys are now 26 and 24 and have'nt seen they're father in 18 years

Italwaysworksitselfout Mon 20-Mar-17 12:18:57

their

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 12:22:30

SpongeBobJudgeyPants thank you smile Haha I can imagine it did! grin However in my case I think any of that validation is a way off. His sister implied that they'd all basically pandered to his 'I don't want to talk about it' attitude and when that didn't change when my son was born (not that any of them were notified) they were all furious, that her partner had been livid at him the entire time, he was a dickhead for what he did etc which was satisfying but that all turned out to be crap and as far as I'm aware, none of his friends are bothered by his actions and life, with the exception of a different girlfriend and where he lives, is pretty much the same. I don't want to be that person who wishes badly on someone but a little bit of karma would be nice hmm You could very well be right though so here's hoping!

Ampersand Thank you, you're absolutely right. Though I think it's hard because joe can that many people be such assholes or so blind to how out of order the whole thing is? angry Still, I'm happy to put them all in the bin! The second I held my son for the first time it all became clear and after a month of worrying about him turning up, I felt so glad and relieved when he didn't, which makes me feel a bit like I'm being ridiculous for complaining about him not being involved even though I'm glad he's not confused

oleoleoleole Mon 20-Mar-17 12:22:39

YANBU but you need to let go and move on. Your anger towards him needs to be dealt with so that you can have some peace of mind. Try to come to terms with who he is, he won't change, once you do that and accept you've no control over him or what other people think of him your life will be so much easier.

You are your son's parent, he doesn't need anyone else.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 20-Mar-17 12:26:35

I had a friend who effectively abandoned his son. (In his defence he was fairly young, the pregnancy was unplanned and the break up was awful as his ex cheated on him.)

However, I found that I just couldn't see him the same afterwards. And so - when a few months later - our lives naturally parted a bit and we would only still stay in contact if I made an effort - I just didn't. Because I didn't see him as someone who I shared values with.

There was no big row. I didn't make a big scene. I certainly didn't track down his ex (who I didn't know well) and get involved. I just quietly decided that I wasn't willing to make a big effort for him when I had other friends and limited time.

I suspect that is quite a common reaction.

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 12:27:27

italwaysworksitselfout I'm glad to hear a positive story from someone else who's been through something similar, though obviously that's still a terrible thing to happen flowers You're right though, I tell myself that exact thing every day and that helps very much cos I can clearly see how shit it could have been! I just hope I can explain it to my son in a way that doesn't hurt him or doesn't result in any of them appearing in our lives. When his sister said to me that she was gonna message my son when he was older and show him our conversation to prove she tried to contact him etc, I said 'great! Then you can be the one to explain why his dad sees your kids but not his son and deal with the repercussions of that.' She didn't have a response for that one, surprisingly hmm

Firesuit Mon 20-Mar-17 12:30:10

He has never met the child. He has no relationship with it. Being a sperm donor does not cause you to have any feelings whatsoever towards or about a resulting child.

There seems to be a consensus that he is a monster for not having the appropriate emotions. But those emotions would be caused by a bonding process that he hasn't participated in.

For him to have any feelings whatsoever would be about as sensible as someone saying they've fallen in love with someone when their only experience of them is a photo or description they've come across on the internet.

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 12:35:05

oleoleoleole like I said before, for the most part it doesn't really cross my mind but when it does, it's very intense. Normally it wouldn't bother me too much but it's just the type of situation that has arisen makes it all apparent once more. As I said, on my bad days, which are rare now, deep down I just want to be a bit nasty and see him get some sort of comeuppance, but I know it's a pointless thing to think. You're right though, my son doesn't need anyone else though fortunately we are surrounded by lots of lovely friends and family smile

Mumoftwoyoungkids Your reaction is one I'd expect a lot of people to have, or at least people who have decent values...which suggests that most people he know doesn't grin

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 12:37:13

Firesuit Given that the baby was his idea, actively tried for over a period of time, discussed at great length and he was the one who wanted to share the news with friends and family, buy things etc before meeting someone else and fucking off, I think your comment is ridiculous.

Italwaysworksitselfout Mon 20-Mar-17 12:49:22

His sis tried to do that as well but she never kept it up. I never spoke a bad word against him, the topic was never banned but the boys decided within themselves that they had nothing to do with him or his family.
He went on to have a daughter who they have never met and have no inclination to meet but I would support them if this changed. They also have a half sis from me and dh who they class as a full sis and another sis or bro on the way.
Firesuit I totally agree with you on the bonding issue. If he has never met ds then he won't have that connection but that doesn't make it right either

Italwaysworksitselfout Mon 20-Mar-17 12:51:29

Oh and totally wrong and selfish that he wanted the baby in the first place....

BillSykesDog Mon 20-Mar-17 12:57:27

YABVU to expect your ex-SILs priority at the moment to be settling scores for you or turning down support from her family to satisfy you.

You're in a horrible situation but your child is not dead. You cannot expect a recently bereaved woman to fight your battles for you. And it was very unfair of you in the first place to demand that she disown her brother if she wanted contact with your child.

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:03:02

BillSykesDog Well clearly you've proven that you can't read because nowhere in any of my comments have I said anything like that. I'm talking about my ex's behaviour in that situation, not his sisters. How dare you suggest that I've said anything of what you've just written. I've had no contact with her well over five months and I never demanded that she disown her brother, but I expressed shock that as a mother, she doesn't find issue with his actions and annoyance that she was lying about her own contact with him. I had them all blocked so that I couldn't be contacted so when she did, it was a surprise to me. You need to get your facts correct before accusing me of things.

BillSykesDog Mon 20-Mar-17 13:14:54

I have got my facts correct. You said:

If it was my own brother, I would be beyond offended if he tried to offer me comfort or publicly displayed his grief over my child but had nothing to do with his own through his own choice. The hypocrisy makes my blood boil.

That's not about his behaviour. It's about hers. You're getting angry with her and calling her a hypocrite for not publicly rejecting his support so you can see it. She's just lost her child FFS. Her first concern isn't going to be blasting her brother over contact on social media. For all you know behind closed doors she's begging him to reconsider because the death has made her think how stupid he is to lose contact with a child when she would do anything to have her own back.

But even if she's not, she's just lost her child. Hypocrisy? Making your blood boil? Have a little empathy FFS. Your opinion on what her family puts on social media is probably not the top of her list of concerns at the moment.

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:20:06

No I am not. I was talking about his hyprocisy, I'm sorry if that wasn't clear in the way I've written it but I was talking about him, I thought that because the previous sentence ended on talking about his choice etc made that clear but I guess I was wrong. Why the hell would I suddenly take issue with her and 'demand' anything now when I haven't been in contact with her? If you've seen previous posts of mine you will have seen how much I struggled to decide whether to meet with her when she did message me that time so please don't make me out to be some heartless bitch when I really was talking about him in that sense, not her.

Ohyesiam Mon 20-Mar-17 13:21:56

Yanbu, but for your own mental health,

Feeling anger towards someone is like swallowing poison, and expecting them to die.

You don't need to suffer any more because of his actions, find any way you can to let go and be free of it.

loulou1626 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:25:33

Ohyesiam I completely agree with you and like I said, it really isn't an issue most days, it was just the sudden surge of information and the circumstances themselves that made it flare up again and made me wonder if I was wrong for being angry in response to it. That's a good analogy by the way!

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