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AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

(169 Posts)
FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite Sun 19-Mar-17 23:24:53

I'm posting this here as I literally don't know where else to turn. I have this horrid dirty secret that I don't tell anyone. My marriage of 10 years is on the brink of collapse over it.

My husband doesn't fancy me. He is loyal, devoted, caring. He is a brilliant father, housemate, all round lovely bloke BUT he had a sex drive of zero.

Before we met, when it was with casual partners, he did have a healthy sex drive. Many partners. In fact he appeared very highly sexed on our first couple of dates. Since then it's been all downhill.

When we do do it, the sex is good. But left to him? It would honestly happen about twice a year.

I confronted him about 6 months into our relationship. I just said fairly matter of factly that I was really happy together but guess maybe he wasn't as he obviously didn't fancy me. He was at pains to tell me how much he did fancy me, the 'need' just kind of doesn't take him. He reassured me over and over that he would be more aware and not leave me feeling unwanted as that was far from the truth.

Well, 10 years on? Essentially the situation is identical. Actually it's not, it's much much worse. We have had counseling (he never ends of sticking to whatever he's promised to do), he's watched me sob every time it reaches a head about every 3 months and he's watched my body image and self confidence sink to the depths.

Yes I know, in a perfect world I'd maintain that without the approval of anyone, but honestly? Being sexually ignored for 10 years by the person who should cherish you most is just soul destroying.

I feel duped I suppose. Before we got married he always had a reason that he hadn't thought to notice me for months, too tired, work too busy, life got in the way. He didn't want it to be like this either, he'd try and notice me a bit. He pushed and pushed to promise me that this wasn't going to be the sexless relationship he knew I didn't want.

I've done all the counseling activities. I've done all of the 'encouraging'. I'm just bloody fed up. I feel lonely and dried up and so so sad. I'm fed up with fighting to have a sex life.

My friends and tv and films always talk about men and their pesky sex drives. I sit there in silence feeling like a sexless lump.

My options are, split up and break up our family (kids) OR stay and accept feeling like this forever. I can't fight any more I'm so tired and humiliated.

So. AIBU to expect my husband to want to have sex with me?

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Mar-17 23:26:32

There is nothing more soul destroying than that, OP.


GloucestershireGuy Sun 19-Mar-17 23:33:19

I'm a man but had the same happen to me with my ex partner. We didn't have kids fortunately but after 6 sexless years I left her. I urge you to leave for your own mental health. You will be happier in time and your kids will notice this.

SleeptightDaisy Sun 19-Mar-17 23:34:02

Sorry nothing to add, but I'm in the same marriage no sex for years but dh says he loves and wants me. Self esteem rock bottom but feels like it's dropping further. The only time we've had sex in the last five years was to get pregnant as soon as I was the sex stopped. I'm dreaming about divorce but then feel guilty and wonder if i still love him.

Has he been to a GP about it? Because it seems like either a hormonal imbalance or he's got some sort of asexual thing going on or some fetish too dark to share... I'd want my husband to see a doctor if it got that bad. He's a once a week sort of a guy and could go a
Month without really noticing if very tired etc, but twice a year is really bad. Can he not even hug or kiss you to make you feel loved?

JoJoSM2 Sun 19-Mar-17 23:38:20

If you have counselling and it didn't work, I'd leave. It's a horrible life to live in a relationship like that.

Euripidesralph Sun 19-Mar-17 23:47:13

OP I've just been through this , it was a large part of why my marriage fell apart , I spent a long time telling myself that it didn't matter and the other parts of the marriage made up for it (my stbxdh was and is a basically good man) , there have been other issues of course but a large part was the feeling of inadequacy for me and the lack of understanding of why

The effects can be awful I have two beautiful boys but frankly it was a miracle they were conceived

I spent ten years hating my body and feeling because I was overweight I was unattractive. tipping point oddly came when I lost 6 stone and felt and looked good and you know made no bloody difference. ...he still barely saw me as female let alone want to have sex with me

It's not about sex it's about intimacy and being true partners and being in a real marriage

Since we separated my self confidence has massively increased ....I nonly longer get anxious about why he isn't interested or convince myself it's not necessary,

I just want to tell you you're not alone this is so tough and when the marriage fell apart I have two dc under 5 , we got to a point where it was so bloody toxic at home and I can't really say how but you know what my boys and I areok we are better than ok and we will keep moving upwards

I hope you find you're answer

Forwardsforwards Sun 19-Mar-17 23:49:20

This happened to me OP. We're now separated. It's unfair to string someone along like that. Yes, we're not machines and life does get in the way, however, the relationship (for me)was built on lies and utterly soul destroying.
I feel for you.

aintnothinbutagstring Sun 19-Mar-17 23:50:47

So he's basically always had a low sex drive, apart from when much younger in casual relationships and first few dates with you? You married him when the sex was infrequent, why? It doesn't sound like he doesn't love or fancy you, he basically has a low sex drive. Yes you should probably leave eventually and I'd prepare yourself for that, as sex is important to most people's self esteem. But I don't think it's you, don't blame yourself, I think it is probably his biology/physiology or maybe a low mental ebb/depressed maybe?

AlmostAJillSandwich Sun 19-Mar-17 23:56:10

Some of us just don't have a desire for sex. If you knew that before marriage and kids he wasn't very highly sexed you can't blame him for ruining the relationship as you knew before you ever committed.
Expecting someone to have sex when they don't want it is wrong, regardless of their gender.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Mar-17 23:59:33

Entering into a marriage is wrong if you don't have a desire for sex, AlmostAJillSandwich, in my opinion.

FuzzyPeachandRainbowBrite Mon 20-Mar-17 00:01:09

Thanks so much for the replies and support. It is helpful to know I'm not alone as often that feels like the worst part, because of the sheer embarrassment factor. Thank you.

Aintnothin - I married him because I love him dearly and he convinced me time and again that things would change.

Pleasedontbelikeme Mon 20-Mar-17 00:08:07

flowers OP I really feel for you. My first marriage was like that and it was soul destroying. We split (my doing) when our sons were primary age and, honestly, I wish I'd left sooner. It wasn't easy for the dcs and sometimes I feel guilty about that, but for myself, I never looked back. I remarried (10 years ago last Friday ) with a man whose sex drive is much better matched to mine. It's not everything, but it is important. Good luck with everything, I hope there is a way forward for you with your DH, but if not, there is life in the future to look forward to

SleepOhHowIMissYou Mon 20-Mar-17 00:19:38

You may find some answers on the Aven website which explores the asexual spectrum OP. Asexuals are not always celibate.

Hugs to you.

Hope this helps.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar Mon 20-Mar-17 00:28:11

Has he spoken with his GParents about his lack of libido? He could have an underlying health problem such as thyroid problem/hormone imbalance?

avamiah Mon 20-Mar-17 00:40:51

OP, this happened to me many years ago, and thankfully I divorced my husband and now I'm in a happy and loving relationship and have a 7 year old daughter.
Your not the problem, he is.
I would advise you to move on before before you lose your identity and become somebody you are not .
Life is too short.
Be strong .

graciestocksfield Mon 20-Mar-17 00:46:48

I agree with aintnothin, he doesn't have a high sex drive, there isn't necessarily anything wrong with it, some people don't and contrary to popular belief, there are a lot of men who are not really bothered about sex.

The question is, is the lack of sex so important to you that you would end the relationship over it?

graciestocksfield Mon 20-Mar-17 00:51:39

You probably also need some counselling on your own, OP, as it sounds like a lot of your self worth is tied up in whether your husband wants to have sex with you, and it really shouldn't be.

RiverdaleJughead Mon 20-Mar-17 00:55:04

Violet Cerys is an amazing name - I assumed it was pronounces seh-rhees which I like even more tbh haha

LellyMcKelly Mon 20-Mar-17 00:55:48

I left after no sex for 6 years, though it had always been fairly infrequent. Turned out in the end that he had a really high sex drive, but for men, not women.

avamiah Mon 20-Mar-17 01:03:18

I married my husband when I was 23 and after 10 years of marriage when I was 33,it seems he still preferred 23 year olds.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 20-Mar-17 01:20:13

Of course you're not being unreasonable. We all want to be desired. Its not so much the sex that we crave. Its the closeness.
However. I'm only going to Say this once because I feel I have to. I trust and hope if you were a Man posting. You'd get as much sympathy and support

HelenaDove Mon 20-Mar-17 01:22:17

My husband is ill and has disabilities and we havent had a physical relationship since 1996.

I tend to deal with it by looking at the upside.

No need for contraception which has made it easier to lose weight and maintain the loss.

He did have a low libido before he got ill We met in the early 1990s when i was 19 and he was 42.

Pacha11 Mon 20-Mar-17 01:32:01

Leave the fucking bastard and never look back.

Please, never put your sex needs last ever again.

kali110 Mon 20-Mar-17 02:18:34

He's not a bastard, hmm he's done nothing wrong, nor is it wrong to marry if you don't have a desire for sex confused
The op isn't wrong for what she wants, but it sounds like he's always had a low sex drive.
If he doesn't want it he shouldn't be made to.
You love him op, he's a good guy, but this is clearly very important to you.
It's made you feel unwanted, you should never feel like that.
Unfortunately i don't think think he'll change, he's always had a low sex drive.
I suppose you have to decide what's more important?

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