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To feel completly taken advantage of financially by dm and stbex

(6 Posts)
financialiasco Sun 19-Mar-17 22:25:37

Ds is 10 today. I had a thread on here last year about how my parents seem to have taken about £5K of savings from me - or manipulated me into giving it to them. They do help out occasionally, but live 4 hours away anyway and can be a bit hit and miss. DM rang this afternoon and asked about the birthday etc. She always pays money to my account for me to buy presents for the dc, which sometimes grates - as a lp I'd like someone else to do the thinking and organising at times, but of course I'm grateful for the money. However, this time she has reduced the amount given. No big deal but nothing was said in advance and she put it through late so I'd already spent the amount excepted so I've now gone over my budget. Not the end of the world, but still.

Today, in the middle of asking about ds's day, she suddenly asked 'Are you making plenty of money?' As she very well knows I'm a teacher - have been for 12 years, so on a decent enough salary, but it seems like the sort of question you would ask someone self-employed or something. She then said 'Me and your dad always call you a fat cat teacher with three toilets.' I was totally taken aback - I do have three, but don't live in a great area and the house, although lovely and a source of joy to me, needs things doing I can't afford to do, and I'm having to add to the mortgage to buy ex out, and that is obviously costing me, as she knows. I felt so pissed off, I kind of laughed but couldn't really engage in the conversation after that.

Then stbex came to go out for lunch with me and dc, as we have always done on birthdays since splitting 3 years ago. Not ideal but the dc like it. Anyway, we have always split the bill but today he told me I would need to pay, so it has cost me £70 - double what I had expected. This is on top of the mortgage fees I have had to pay recently to pay him out. He has the dc about 40% of the time but pays absolutely nothing apart from the food they eat when with him. He seems to think I'm a bottomless pit of money - he was sahd but never had a career and was 38 when I met him - but I'm really not and worry about finances all the time.

I just feel used and unappreciated by these people now and wish I had said something to them both. Just venting, but feel so flat. Obviously it's been ds's day, but it also marks 10 years of me being a mother and I just feel shit.

RandomMess Sun 19-Mar-17 22:30:24


Have you ever had any therapy to look at why your boundaries aren't firm enough?

I guess you need to end the lunches with your ex, or next time tell him that it is his turn to pay...

With regards to gifts from your parents just give your DC the amount they send! At 8+ let them blow the money on something they want and save you the hassle of buying a gift because your parents cant be bothered.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Mar-17 22:31:10

You have a lovely son; the others you can do without.

Those meals with your ex need to stop. He's taking advantage of you and because he's not fair, you are not obliged to continue with them.

Your mother is out of her mind if she thinks a single mum who's a teacher is rolling in it. Absolutely nuts. I'd limit how often I saw her and never, ever get into a conversation about money.

You poor thing - it sounds like you've really had a tough time.


ImperialBlether Sun 19-Mar-17 22:31:57

When you think about it, virtually nobody has lunch with their ex's, for the same reason that you don't want to. So don't do it. He's a user. Don't indulge him.

Patriciathestripper1 Sun 19-Mar-17 22:40:09

Put on your big girl pants and tell the ex the meals are going to stop and the kids will get over it. Tell him you can't afford to subsidise him anymore, and that he will have to start chipping in for the children for clothes ect. Put it in a letter if you can't say it. Stick to facts and font let feelings run the letter.
As for mum, tell her that things are tight because you have to pay off ex and things need going around the house so she knows you sent a fat cat! Cheeky bag.

GettingScaredNow Sun 19-Mar-17 22:48:51

Poor you. I remember your thread.

Re stbex... use the maintenance service. It cost £20 to get it going but it's worth it to get maintenance from him.
And stop the lunches. Your ds is 10, he's old enough to understand and probably feels more uncomfortable then you are willing to believe.

Re parents.... that will be harder. Limit your exposure. Be busy when they call, be bright and breezy and distracted. Be in control.

flowers for you cos it's not easy.
Congrats on 10 years, my eldest is 4. It's flying by!

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