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AIBU?

To think dss has ruined the positive steps he has made.

94 replies

MrsWatt · 19/03/2017 18:55

My dss has been difficult in the best of times you may remember my thread about dss being abusive to his four year old half brother.

Since then we made a lot of changes. First off we stopped four year old making loud noises in the bathroom. Secondly dss went to see a councillor and we have been told via the councillor that dss feels like things would be better without him and that no one in the family likes him so he acts like he doesn't want to be liked.

We all said to him how he can have a clean slate and that the past is the past. Dh has been getting on better with him. He hasn't been rude to anyone and the attitude in a large part went. However today has seen a change of old ways and this is something that doesn't happen often I must say.

Dss had a fight with my son, my son and dh went off to go to the shops and dh brought him a pair of trainers. It's not like dss doesn't get given things but my son needed a pair of trainers. So ds got very jealous and starting shouting at dh saying I hope you die and that dh has replaced him and that he never gets things. Dss intervened and told dss he was being ridiculous and pathetic and dss hit my son. He punched him in the eye (he has a black eye) and he punched him in the rib. He also hit dh who struggled to restrain him.

I am so disappointed we was making a good start with dss who is really sensitive and damaged in my opinion and was going down a positive route.

Aibu what is the way forward because the councilling is making a difference he had written all of us apology letters and dh has had a long chat with him.

I feel I need to protect my son and I feel that I also have duty to help my husbands son who is suffering and who won't get the help otherwise that he needs.

Obviously Dh is very upset as well. It's so hard.

OP posts:

Report

Materdolores · 19/03/2017 20:32

How old is your DSS?
If a 5 or 6 year old blackened a 4 year old's eye, they obviously need to be disciplined and prevented from doing it again.
If an 11 or 12 year old did it, then I would be very worried. This behaviour towards a small child cannot be allowed to happen again.
Although your DSS sounds like he needs help you should and must put your child's safety first.

Allthewaves · 19/03/2017 20:40

So dss is damaged and fragile - wasn't the wisest move of his father to take your son shopping and buy him trainers while his sons at home when u knew he's feeling unwanted and excluded.

Your son shouldn't have stepped in, calling anyone pathetic is going to enrage them. Yes dss us in the wrong for throwing punches but this could have been easily avoided

Moanyoldcow · 19/03/2017 21:15

I'm sorry, I got a bit confused in the middle part with which child you were talking about. Like PP said, much will depend on the ages of the children involved but these issues will take a long time to get through. I think counselling is a very good idea.

Lilaclily · 19/03/2017 21:21

I'm struggling too, a 4 year old intervened and got a black eye?

GlitterGlue · 19/03/2017 21:22

The dss is 17.

Which child did he hit?

Neolara · 19/03/2017 21:25

Did a 17 yo give your 4yo ds a black eye? If so, I would be reporting him to the police. If you don't, school will probably make an SS referral on Monday.

Lugeeta · 19/03/2017 21:25

If the dss is really 17 I would call the police if your 4yo has a black eye. That is assault of a minor and is really not ok.

Chickendipper12 · 19/03/2017 21:26

How is dss?
How if your son? =( poor thing xxx

lalalalyra · 19/03/2017 21:26

Wasn't your other thread only a week or two ago? Progress may be being made quickly, but it won't all be solved overnight. Your Dss has serious issues and they won't be fixed in one session.

You deal with it by sanctioning him for the violence, as you would if it was the other way around.

Assuming it was a fight between your elder son and Dss who are similar ages. If it was the 4 yo who got punched then you need immediate family therapy.

I also think your DH needs some lessons/tips on how to deal with his son. Taking your son for trainers after he'd had a fight with Dss was a daft idea and should have been handled much better.

IamFriedSpam · 19/03/2017 21:27

I'm assuming DSS hit OP's teenage son from a previous relationship, not the four year old DS with her DP.

I do agree the shopping trip was poorly thought out (although obviously he was massively wrong to throw punches). I think it's also unrealistic that given your dss is so emotionally damaged that his behaviour is going to change dramatically overnight after one counselling session.

Moanyoldcow · 19/03/2017 21:28

If a 17 year old has given a 4 year old a black eye then I'd be gone with my children until safety could be guaranteed. Let's wait for OP to clarify... surely a 17 year old hasn't injured a 4 year old so dreadfully...

Crispbutty · 19/03/2017 21:29

Why did your husband take your son out and treat him to new trainers and his own son got nothing. Great way to cause divide amongst teens who live together.

Chickendipper12 · 19/03/2017 21:30

Ah she has a older son? I didn't realise.
None the less hope your son is okay =( xxx

Moanyoldcow · 19/03/2017 21:39

Oh, I see. Yes - shopping trip was ill-advised but the violence is still inexcusable.

mumofthemonsters808 · 19/03/2017 21:41

I feel for your Stepson, it must be so hard when you see your Dad integrated into a new family. I'm presuming you have a son and the 4 year old is your child together.I can understand that he's struggling to find his place and when you are fragile and see your DAd buying another persons son trainers it really will cut deep.Rationally thinking it's not unreasonable, but his head is wrecked, probably given a choice he doesn't want you, the 4 year old and your son, all he wants is his Dad.But that's not life, so he has to accept it, he just doesn't know how, he's unable to control his emotions and sometimes angers the first response.Obviously, this is unacceptable but I can understand him.He really does need some careful handling, he's probably the size of a man but he is still a child. Keep up with the counselling, it's a side step.

1horatio · 19/03/2017 21:56

Dss had a fight with my son, my son and dh went off to go to the shops and dh brought him a pair of trainers.

Who started the fight? Were both more or less equally responsible but one got a gift from the other boy's father? Btw. Your son is not the 4 yo, right? I mean, because that would be "our" son, so you must be talking about one of your teenage boys. Which is an important distinction. Hitting a child and hitting a peer are two entirely different pair of shoes...

So ds got very jealous and starting shouting at dh saying I hope you die and that dh has replaced him and that he never gets things. Dss intervened and told dss he was being ridiculous and pathetic

After already having argued and gotten something positive out of it (trainers) your DS inseted imself in an argument that shouldn't have included him and insulted his stepbrother...

and dss hit my son. He punched him in the eye (he has a black eye) and he punched him in the rib
IS it wrong? Yes.

But depending on how exactly this went down your DS purposely inserted himself into an emotionally charged argument and twisted the knife just a liiittle bit further...

BTW, I'm assuming he hit one of your older sons (they're somethng between 15 and 18, right and not his halfbrothers... Seeing as you didn't say he hit his DHalf-brother)

1horatio · 19/03/2017 21:57

If a 17 year old has given a 4 year old a black eye then I'd be gone with my children until safety could be guaranteed. Let's wait for OP to clarify... surely a 17 year old hasn't injured a 4 year old so dreadfully...

No, he has injured his stepbrother,not his 4yo halfbrother.

The halfbrothers are in their teens (15 and above) if I remember correctly...

Moanyoldcow · 19/03/2017 22:06

Thanks Horatio - I realised afterwards. Still terrible but not quite so scary!

1horatio · 19/03/2017 22:10

moany

True, but I still believe that from the OP's explanation a certain amount of provocation was involved...

Not that this makes it ok.

But it does seem like this is a case of 2 people being shitty and one person losing their temper (which is obviously still really really wrong)

Foxysoxy01 · 19/03/2017 22:27

I am starting to feel quite sorry for the lad tbh.

His father massively failed him as did his mother.

You seem to think it will all just magically be fine now and don't seem to have actually taken on board how the lad feels at all.

He is crying out for help and love and your DH is ridiculous to take your son to buy trainers right at this moment in time when your SS and therapist have been clear in that he feels left out and unloved.

I wish I hadn't read the thread it has made me feel angry and really fucking sad. The SS will be completely off the rails in no time at all because the adults in his life are selfish and expecting a quick fix because it's easiest for them.

Crispbutty · 19/03/2017 22:50

Remembering ops recent thread about going on a cruise, and expecting the two older boys to share a bed when they barely get on with each other shows how oblivious the op seems to be to the situation.

This lad has been shoved into a family that he didn't expect, is openly disliked by his stepbrother, and now sees his dad appearing to favour his stepbrother over him.

It's not going to end well.

1horatio · 19/03/2017 22:52

Of course not.

Two have an argument.

One gets shoes from the other's father.

The otherone flips... Gets taunted by the strepbrother he seems to already dislikes.

And it seems like he snaps.

It's obviously not ok. But I'm not surprised.

Op, you still here?

Voice0fReason · 19/03/2017 23:38

What a mess. The situation is clearly unacceptable for your 4 year old but it does sound you are setting your DSS up to fail.
I sense he has good reason to feel like he is being replaced by his dad's new family.

LilQueenie · 19/03/2017 23:42

we need the op to clarify. Even at 17 he may well feel excluded but he is also old enough to know that a child needs things when he himself could provide a little for himself.

JoJoSM2 · 19/03/2017 23:45

OP, your post comes across like you dump all the blame on the SS. You and DH need a hard look at yourselves - how you parent and handle situations. I hope you try your best at family therapy. Good luck.

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